i'm so frustrated and hurt!!!

Erin - posted on 11/09/2009 ( 227 moms have responded )

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so ok my husband and i have always have different opinions on porn, of course he likes it and it makes me feel like crap when he watches it. when i was pregnant with our son 3 years ago i find out he was watching it behind my back and we got into a huge fight and he promised me that he wouldn't watch it and when we got our computer he said the same, long story short he used the computer yesterday to watch porn while i was taking a day trip and when i got home he just acted funny and had the door locked so i looked in the history and saw it. i was crushed and pissed, so i confronted him and he then turned it around saying that i invaded his privacy and just tried to say it was my fault!!! i just want to know if anyone else has been through this and how they got over it. he says its not a big deal but it definately is to me, he broke a promise and lost a bit of trust in my eyes. what do i do?? please help, thanks:)

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Sylvia - posted on 11/09/2009

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I believe that pornography is a natural and unsurprising part of human nature. That being said, if a promise was made, then it should be upheld. I do however, question the validity of making a man who obviously enjoys his 'hands-on' time ceasing something that is so unthreatening in day to day life. Now, if porn is ruining your marriage (ie - he wont come to bed with you because hes watching it, wont tend the baby, wont engage in intimate relations with you, makes snide comments about you in comparison to the fantasy women) then it IS an problem. A better question to ask would be: Why does porn make you 'feel like crap'.
If hes watching it now, then he was probably watching it before you two were married. We can't change the people that we love, any more than we would want to be changed by them, and most women know who the men are that they are marrying. He may feel that you are violating his sacred 'man-space' or personal time, and Im sure that theres a fair amount of resentment attached to that - thus the accusation of invading his privacy.
Most of all....theres a proverb or saying that goes somethign like this "Do not spy on others, lest you be vexed."
Basically, had you not rummaged about to find something to call him on, you may not currently be experiencing such distress. And yes, searching through someones browsing history to find wrongs IS an invasion of mental privacy. Now, I dont intend to sound mean or aggressive towards you - heck, I dont even know you! :) You can take my thoughts or leave them as you see fit, which is only fair.
Perhaps a more non-confrontational approach would be best, for the harmony of your home. We women tend to fantasize more with our MINDS...men are visual. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and to ignore it just invites dissent at home.
And yes, I do practice what I preach. lol
My husband doesnt hide his porn watching activities from me, because I dont make him feel ashamed for his natural urge to fantasize. It doesnt affect me - it only has to do with him, and as such, I consider it none of my business.
I would hate if he could see my brain going everytime I see some man thats drop dead scrumptious. Its just biology.
Anyway, though long-winded to a fault, thats my $.02.
I wish you the best.

Kamilah - posted on 11/13/2009

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Most of these responses are selfish and onesided and will result in more marital problems for you if you heed. I think the promise that was made was unrealistic and you're being immature. You both are adults, he is not your child. If you feel like your contributions to you sex life are being undermined by the porn then try watching some yourself, with or without him. You'll probably learn a thing or two about the type of freak your HUSBAND likes ( by the way, it's okay to be his whore). Porn is not about intamacy, it's about pure, unadulterated, uninhibited SEX. Try it, you'll like it and he'll like what you learned.

Jenny - posted on 11/12/2009

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Wowsers, I can't believe the women on here who believe they have the right to be dictators to their spouses. Your partner is not your property and you can not order him to do anything nor demand he stop doing somethnig you don't like. All you can do is honestly explain how it makes you feel and hope he makes a decsion that corresponds positively with that. Be prepared that he may not make that choice and you may be the one who needs to compromise though.



Kylie, it is perfectly ok for a man to watch pornography. My partner does and I am ok with it. I watch it too, with and without him. So you can drop the never from your post.



It is not cheating, it is not betrayal. Some of you are reading WAY too much into a trivial issue. If it is something he does on occasion to get his rocks off then more power to him. If he is using it as a replacement for sex with his partner that is when you have an issue. I like the lady who said it was ok if she didn't know about it. Your delicate sensibilities remain unoffended and he gets to do whatever it is he'd like to with his own body.

Erin - posted on 11/20/2009

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Everyone has personal fantasies and likes to indulge in them...hopefully even you. In my opinion, you need to relax and give the poor guy a break. It is not any of your business what your husband does in his private alone time. Would you rather he indulge in his fantasies by watching porn, or would you rather he visit a prostitute? It's women like you that keep prostitutes working, sorry to say.

Sylvia - posted on 11/17/2009

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@Anna :

In most versions, orexis is translated “lust” in Romans 1:27: “…men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust (orexis) for one another.” Spiros Zodhiates defines orexis as: “Appetite, lust or concupiscence. It is always the reaching out after an object with the purpose of drawing it to oneself and appropriating it.”
What this means is that the lust Jesus was referring to (as Greek has 5 different words for the concept, with differing levels of meaning) is the conscious coveting of an object/person AND the conscious INTENT to make that thign ones own.
In other words, just feelign desire for someone is NOT what the man was talking about. When using bible verses, take them in the context they are intended, not as a retro-engineered "ends fits my means' fashion. Jesus was speaking to a group of men who were notorious for setting their wives aside for new wives without following Judaic law which states that a wife may not be put aside for any reason other than fornication. You see, they were divorcing their wives without need (because men could marry as many as they could support) and taking younger wives when by Judaic law, a wife who has not commited adultery was forbidden to remarry because by7 church law, she was STILL the property of the original man, while that man was free to do as he wished!
Jesus was protecting the rights of jewish women - not telling a bunch of men that it was a sin to fantasize.
Geez....

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227 Comments

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Elizabeth - posted on 11/23/2009

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I honestly couldn't care less if my hubby wants to watch porn. I don't think there's anything wrong with watching it, unless addiction has reared its ugly head (never happened in my marriage, but we've all heard of it happening); to me, when used in moderation, it can be used for spicing up things in the bedroom. But as you have told your hubby how it makes you feel and he promised to stop, you have every right to be upset. Have you considered asking him just what it is he finds so interesting about it and why he feels the need to be stimulated by video images instead of you?

Tammy - posted on 11/22/2009

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I must say from personal experience, my x husband did this to me it hurt so much so I understand. I even told him if he was gonna do it just to let me know so I had no surprises however that didnt happen, for some reason he felt the need to lie about this issue as well as many other issues. Anyway he is now my X husband. However since this happened, I now understand how close minded I was, I am now exploring things and finding my own enjoyment, some time we as women are way to close minded again I speak from personal experience. I am now doing/watching things I was soooo very close minded to, just because it made me feel insecure. I now love myself, my body and find that I am very open to try and explore new things which makes me very happy. Being open to at least try something out of your comfort zone to make your partner happy (works both ways) makes relationships very exrotic and exciting adding a new element!

Best of luck! Do what makes you happy....life is too short.

Kat - posted on 11/22/2009

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Erin, let's lay all the religious and societal crap aside.

If your husband is hiding something from you, then there's a problem. A couple should be completely honest with each other about everything. Except, of course, when planning surprises or presents.

Talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel without crying or getting angry. Write it in a note if you must.

Ask him why he likes it so much. If he likes that it's not you or that the women look "innocent" or if he's looking at children or animals or some weird fetish, then there may be an underlying addiction issue. [Note: if he's looking at children, don't play the loving wife; report him before he acts out in real life.]

All guys and most women look at porn at some point in their lives. Whatever my personal opinion may be, it can be harmless or terribly detrimental - depending on the individual looking at it. So the key here really is you. If your husband uses porn as an escape or pleasures himself with it rather than with you, then you really do have a problem. But if he's looking at a few provocative pictures then using his energy on pleasuring you, it may be one of those things you just need to learn to cope with until he's ready to see things your way.

I wish you all the best, and I'm here [on FB] to listen, pray or whatever if you need me.

~kp~

Shelley - posted on 11/22/2009

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Dear Erin, Hi I no just what you are going through and he is actualy comiting adultry in the lord eyes, I know cause I went through this with mey husband also. His excuse was that he liked looking at women and that it wasn't in a dirty way it was art. Ha! Ha!

I suggest that you go and seek some marrage conseling Imediatly, before things get worse .

A loving mother,

Mellissa - posted on 11/21/2009

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Hey There, You are not alone!! Ive been threw this myself and dont worry it will be okay :) make sure you thurally explain to him that this behavior is not okay with you... otherwise you end up holding a huge grudge that could eventually ruin your entire relationship. Let him know you need to be able to trust him, what kinda relationship is there with no trust right!! I know how you feel about the situation, its dimeaning and hurtful and i dont think any man could truely understand that.. Hopefully you have got yourself a good one like I did, where he just needs a little explaining

Shannon - posted on 11/21/2009

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OMG I'm not the only one going through this...... My hubby and I have been married for 10 years and I found porn on his computer by mistake, I was so hurt and betrayed that I almost left him without looking back. I let him know that I did not trust him anymore because he was looking at that filth instead of coming to me, he did explain that it was something that he had done from his teenage years but was never able to stop (IT IS AN ADDICTION) we tried everything and he slowly gained my trust back - I made him court me again to gain my affection - I know he still has relapses here and there however the difference now is he doesn't hide it and we can talk about it like adults. He is fully aware how I feel and that it is something that he needs to break in his life, Hun don't let it ruin ur marriage, go for a walk, calm down then talk to him not at him and really listen when he starts to talk........

Stacey - posted on 11/21/2009

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I understand where you coming from, obviously after having a child your going to be concious of your body and finding that he is watching young fit women in porn obv isnt on. My hubby would never ever watch it cos he respects that i dont like it and it doesnt do anything for him anyway. i personally would expect some more respect if he has been doing it behind your back.

Anel - posted on 11/20/2009

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Erin, I'm so sorry you are going through that.... I dont know if you've heard of this movie "FIREPROOF" it is an awesome film for married couples. The couple in the movie goes through this and gets through it. I dont know how religious you are but I recommend that you watch it with him, don't tell him what its about just let him think its another chick flick, its a way of putting the topic out there and he will understand a lot more how you feel when he does this, maybe you'll even cry together like my hubby and I did. and then you can talk about it without getting into this huge fight because all that will do is put him on "self-defense" mode. I hope that helps

Jenny - posted on 11/20/2009

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that's fantastic, but it doesn't change the fact that some woman don't feel that way and it's not as simple as saying "if I don't have a problem with this, why should anyone else?" Personally I am very confident in my body, pose for pictues in sexy lingerie or nothing at all for my man, regular the sex shop for new ideas, toys, how to books etc.., but I really did not like my hubby going online everytime I was out to check out the porn, people should figure out a compromise where they're both comfortable :)

Jenn - posted on 11/20/2009

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We watch it together, I've watched it alone, and I'm sure he has too. But, in your case seeing as he promised not to do it, he broke a promise - that he obviously shouldn't have made!

Andrea - posted on 11/20/2009

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ok do you consider yoursel pretty and confidence !!!!???? so if you are what is the problem???? i used to have that problem and i approached him like ok, you are watchind that wait until you go to bed tonight and BUMMMMPPP do the same thing that was in the movie or the video FUN!!!!!

Jenny - posted on 11/20/2009

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This is my advice to woman have a problem with their man watching porn, but he just doesn't seem to get why it hurts you. You've talked to him about it, but can't come to a compromise. If men get off visually (watching naked women having sex who probably look nothing like their wives) and woman get off from the mental/emotional part of sex, how about you start up an online conversation with a stranger that is VERY romantic, see how he likes it, then maybe he'll get how you feel. Now you're all turned on by some other man, lets get it on baby, see if he's as into it. Oh, but remember dear, it's just fantasy, don't take it personally. Or else rent a porn movie for woman where it features VERY buff, hot, young and "large" men who look nothing like your husband, see how it makes him feel. Most men have pretty sensitive ego's after all, they just don't want to admit it.

Stacy - posted on 11/20/2009

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Quoting Erin:



Quoting Stacy:




Quoting Erin:





Quoting Amber:






Quoting Kate:







Quoting Kylie:

It is NEVER okay for a guy to watch pornography. It's disrespectful to you, and making sex more then just the two of you.

What to do about it? I would say this: someone else is competing for YOUR husband. And she wins every time he gets on the internet and allows himself to watch that stuff. What are you going to do about it? If I were you, I would compete. Make yourself so desirable to him that he has no desire for anything else. Not just sexually...but in every interaction you have with him. Often times when men are looking for someone or something else to fill their wife's role, it's because they are lacking some sort of respect or understanding from their wife.

Just love him, respect him, and be a dreamy wife...and I bet you'll see a very positive response.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It breaks my heart everytime I hear of a man turning to pornography...













I'm sorry, but that was really paranoid. No one is competing for her husband. It's a digital image on a flat screen. She's not calling the house at all hours of the night, she's not stalking him on his way to work, and she's not boiling their pet bunny. 














Porn is not an insult men use against women. It is what it is: sexual pictures or movies. Nobody needs to get worried about some cyber chick knocking on the door and stealing away their husband. Most of them HAVE husbands and just do the videos or pictures for the money. 


















taking wat Kylie said out of text, she means it in a way that these pornos are some sort of competition. because alot of women feel offended by porn because it makes them feel like they arent good enough.












each to thier own, because those people who watch porn with their husbands like or dnt mind porn & those who think porn is disrespectful dont enjoy watching other people "having sex"












some people think its gross and some people think its normal.












but i agree with anybody who says they feel disrespected, because if us ladies were watching big dicks on tv, im sure the husbands would be feeling "pretty let down" ...or pretty sure they would feel like they didnt measure up












and again this totally depends on the nature of each person.












question is, Is porn rude to you or isnt it?... easy answer ...YES












doesnt matter if its on tv... its the fact that he "your husband or b.f, likes it. It is NEVER right to accept he is lieing to you about watching porn and the right thing is to talk about it to work out where the problem is.















thank you thankyou thankyou........i think you understand what i have been saying, i have nothing against porn and if ppl want to watch it they can, BUT i dont like when MY husband watches it...










and i totally agree if my husband caught me looking at 'big dicks' on tv or the net he would not like that at all.










so thank you again, i appreciate the time:)












Are you saying you have never had a vibrator? or another toy of that sort? If so you have looked at another dick, and maybe he feels that he is not enough. There is 2 sides to that.









yes, i have seen other penises before because i used to work in a nursing home, but i have never looked at another penis to get myself off, like he does with porn. and no i have never owned or used a vibrator......... 






I was not trying to offend you in any way. I went threw this same thing at the begining of my marriage. But when it came down to it, Rather I wanted him to or not he was gonna watch. people can't help what they are attracted to. But we can try to understand them. If he is not watching when you are there, and your sex life is still good, then you have nothing to worry about. With most men it nis about a fantasy of some sort. Talk to him! Porn is not worth risking your relationship over. It is hard to find love, don't jepordise it over something so meaning less.

Betsy - posted on 11/19/2009

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Quoting Cindy:

Perhaps you can take a look at this in a different way...it sounds as though your husband has always been a fan of Porn, and I understand that you are not a big fan of it. What if you were to compromise with each other and ask him if you can plan time to watch it together and perhaps make a romantic evening out of it. So instead of him doing it behind your back you will be doing it together. In return...he can compromise with you. If there is something that you really love to do or somewhere you want to go and he is not partial to it, then he will do it with you!! This way you are not having upsetting thoughts about him!! Lets face it..marriage is all about doing things together and working together to keep it strong. If you really love each other then it is worth it to sit down and try to work something out that is amicable to both of you. The last thing either of you need, is to be having bad thoughts about to each other. That could eventually take you to a place where you have no marriage at all and I'm sure you or him do not want to see that happen!! One thing I have learned is that in a marriage, it is never wise to try and control the other one because it will end up in resentment!! You can't change someone else, you can only change yourself! I hope you are able to give what I said some serious thought and I hope I was able to help! Take Care and remember you guys need to make each other a priority and always take the other one serious!



Well written post! Also when something like porn bothers you so much, it is important to honestly look at why it bothers you. Some have religious reasons, and if that is the case, that is completely valid and the topic of religious beliefs and if each of your religious beliefs can coincide in a happy marriage is a conversation that should be had. If the concern is because his watching causes jealousy or feeling insecure, that needs to be recognized and talked about with your husband. Like the prior poster stated, trying to control his choices can lead to resentment. You are partners, and to take a stand like a parent with a teen doesn't help the romantic intimacy. If he is hiding this for fear you with "discipline" him and lay judgment, and you hate him watching because it makes you feel compared or unattractive, THOSE are the true issues that needs to be discussed honestly and are the problem, not the porn. Honest communication is the only way to have a successful marriage, and that includes being honest with yourself and your reactions.



 



Many people do watch porn. It's not just men. 1/3 of all porn viewers are women, and the biggest audience is couples in committed long-term relationships. It may not be an activity you want to partake in yourself, and if that is not something you have interest in, that is fine, but don't compare it with cheating. Talk to your husband, coming to him with your innermost honest feelings and encourage him to talk without feeling like you will judge him or that he can't share his sexual interests and turn-ons. You are the one person he should feel comfortable being completely open about these things with, as you should feel the same with expressing to him why this upsets you so much and your feelings that motivate that reaction. Obviously these aren't openly communicated topics, which is why he felt like he had to hide. Put aside your insecurities, encourage him to be open without judgment and open communication so you can find a compromise that works for the both of you and be closer in a successful marriage.

Erin - posted on 11/19/2009

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Quoting Kate:



Quoting Erin:




yes, i have seen other penises before because i used to work in a nursing home, but i have never looked at another penis to get myself off, like he does with porn. and no i have never owned or used a vibrator......... 









Sweetie, you don't know what you're missin'. ;)






But that's another topic for another day. Have you talked to him about it yet?





yeah i know LOL.



 



yes we have talked about it, he knows how much it hurts me so he says he won't do it again, and i am trying to trust him again. i haven't looked at the history since that day, and thats good for me ;) we are getting along well now, thanks for asking:)



 

Jenny - posted on 11/19/2009

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Some of these responses lead me to believe that somehow some women think that they must compromise what they are comfortable with in order to stop their man from actually having sex with other women. Please tell me I'm reading this wrong!!!??? NO NO NO!!! Some woman are ok with porn, watch it, enjoy it, that's fantastic, however those who feel bad about themselves when their man watches it, and wonder if he would rather be with the woman he's looking at on the screen more than her, should not just have to "put up" with it for fear that they will lose him, good grief! Like I said before I compromised by bringing porn that I enjoyed into our relationship, let him take pictues of me all he wanted, worked VERY hard to keep my body in great shape after two kids, however, he crossed my line once again, and to his shock, I was DONE. After 6 yrs of being the stay at home Mom and 11 years of marriage, perhaps he thought he was safe. I tell ya one thing for sure, (from his mouth), he'd have changed his tune if he knew the real consequences. So I guess, you either "shit or get off the pot", in other words do something about it or stop complaining, but NEVER think you have to let him do what he wants for fear of him screwing around on you, if that's the case, he's not worth keeping. My thoughts only.

Kate CP - posted on 11/19/2009

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Quoting Erin:



yes, i have seen other penises before because i used to work in a nursing home, but i have never looked at another penis to get myself off, like he does with porn. and no i have never owned or used a vibrator......... 





Sweetie, you don't know what you're missin'. ;)



But that's another topic for another day. Have you talked to him about it yet?

Erin - posted on 11/19/2009

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Quoting Stacy:



Quoting Erin:




Quoting Amber:





Quoting Kate:






Quoting Kylie:

It is NEVER okay for a guy to watch pornography. It's disrespectful to you, and making sex more then just the two of you.

What to do about it? I would say this: someone else is competing for YOUR husband. And she wins every time he gets on the internet and allows himself to watch that stuff. What are you going to do about it? If I were you, I would compete. Make yourself so desirable to him that he has no desire for anything else. Not just sexually...but in every interaction you have with him. Often times when men are looking for someone or something else to fill their wife's role, it's because they are lacking some sort of respect or understanding from their wife.

Just love him, respect him, and be a dreamy wife...and I bet you'll see a very positive response.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It breaks my heart everytime I hear of a man turning to pornography...











I'm sorry, but that was really paranoid. No one is competing for her husband. It's a digital image on a flat screen. She's not calling the house at all hours of the night, she's not stalking him on his way to work, and she's not boiling their pet bunny. 












Porn is not an insult men use against women. It is what it is: sexual pictures or movies. Nobody needs to get worried about some cyber chick knocking on the door and stealing away their husband. Most of them HAVE husbands and just do the videos or pictures for the money. 















taking wat Kylie said out of text, she means it in a way that these pornos are some sort of competition. because alot of women feel offended by porn because it makes them feel like they arent good enough.










each to thier own, because those people who watch porn with their husbands like or dnt mind porn & those who think porn is disrespectful dont enjoy watching other people "having sex"










some people think its gross and some people think its normal.










but i agree with anybody who says they feel disrespected, because if us ladies were watching big dicks on tv, im sure the husbands would be feeling "pretty let down" ...or pretty sure they would feel like they didnt measure up










and again this totally depends on the nature of each person.










question is, Is porn rude to you or isnt it?... easy answer ...YES










doesnt matter if its on tv... its the fact that he "your husband or b.f, likes it. It is NEVER right to accept he is lieing to you about watching porn and the right thing is to talk about it to work out where the problem is.












thank you thankyou thankyou........i think you understand what i have been saying, i have nothing against porn and if ppl want to watch it they can, BUT i dont like when MY husband watches it...








and i totally agree if my husband caught me looking at 'big dicks' on tv or the net he would not like that at all.








so thank you again, i appreciate the time:)









Are you saying you have never had a vibrator? or another toy of that sort? If so you have looked at another dick, and maybe he feels that he is not enough. There is 2 sides to that.





yes, i have seen other penises before because i used to work in a nursing home, but i have never looked at another penis to get myself off, like he does with porn. and no i have never owned or used a vibrator......... 

Brandy - posted on 11/19/2009

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I would try to sit down with him and just ask him why he watches it and see what you can do about it, like if he watches it because the different stuff they do in them, then surprise him one night when you are alone and do what you can, at least that's what I would try to do get him to at least stop watching it so often, maybe for good, if I were in your position, because you don't want someone to get on the computer and find that

Jenny - posted on 11/19/2009

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Excuse me Robin, while you may be an devout who thinks porn is evil it is wrong to cast judgement on others. Porn is not ok to YOU, don't paint all relationships with the same brush as yours. I'm an athiest so there is no god in my house. Our decisions are made on a mutual respect for each other and on compromise. We both watch porn, with and without each other. And that is ok.



 



Erin, have you considered the damage you could be doing to your husband's self esteem? To most men, porn is a visual masturbation aid and nothing more. So I guess my question would be, do you find it wrong for him to masturbate or is it the porn alone that is the issue? For him to hear from the person who is supposed to love him the most in the world that what he is doing is dirty, unnatural and wrong could really affect him in a negative way.

Charlie - posted on 11/19/2009

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Personally i like porn BUT you dont and if it makes you uncomfortable then you should let your partner know regardless of whether its porn or anything else that makes you uncomfortable he should respect you enough to not make you feel bad in any way .

Natalie - posted on 11/19/2009

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Erin. Your husband likes porn. Why aren't you watching it with him and make a night of it? choose one together online or at the store. It shouldn't be something to fight about because he isn't watching it to watch other women, don't feel insulted. My advice SPICE UP YOUR LOVE LIFE! Use Porn or find something YOU like.. toys etc and agree to accept each others desires - Men like sex, masturbation.... and I know as a women your libedo might not be up to his level... but maybe you need some good loving too! GO HAVE SOME GOOD MAKE UP SEX :D

Henrietta - posted on 11/19/2009

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i went through the same thing with my husband watching porn when i am asleep, and i saw the evidence of it and spoke to him about it , he denied , but i confronted him. that lives me with less trust. pleasemake a time to talk openly . ask him why did he go there? ask him for ex. am i not enough for you.? what do you want or expect from you? spend more time with him , make him feel wanted by you.

Stacy - posted on 11/19/2009

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Quoting Erin:



Quoting Amber:




Quoting Kate:





Quoting Kylie:

It is NEVER okay for a guy to watch pornography. It's disrespectful to you, and making sex more then just the two of you.

What to do about it? I would say this: someone else is competing for YOUR husband. And she wins every time he gets on the internet and allows himself to watch that stuff. What are you going to do about it? If I were you, I would compete. Make yourself so desirable to him that he has no desire for anything else. Not just sexually...but in every interaction you have with him. Often times when men are looking for someone or something else to fill their wife's role, it's because they are lacking some sort of respect or understanding from their wife.

Just love him, respect him, and be a dreamy wife...and I bet you'll see a very positive response.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It breaks my heart everytime I hear of a man turning to pornography...









I'm sorry, but that was really paranoid. No one is competing for her husband. It's a digital image on a flat screen. She's not calling the house at all hours of the night, she's not stalking him on his way to work, and she's not boiling their pet bunny. 










Porn is not an insult men use against women. It is what it is: sexual pictures or movies. Nobody needs to get worried about some cyber chick knocking on the door and stealing away their husband. Most of them HAVE husbands and just do the videos or pictures for the money. 












taking wat Kylie said out of text, she means it in a way that these pornos are some sort of competition. because alot of women feel offended by porn because it makes them feel like they arent good enough.








each to thier own, because those people who watch porn with their husbands like or dnt mind porn & those who think porn is disrespectful dont enjoy watching other people "having sex"








some people think its gross and some people think its normal.








but i agree with anybody who says they feel disrespected, because if us ladies were watching big dicks on tv, im sure the husbands would be feeling "pretty let down" ...or pretty sure they would feel like they didnt measure up








and again this totally depends on the nature of each person.








question is, Is porn rude to you or isnt it?... easy answer ...YES








doesnt matter if its on tv... its the fact that he "your husband or b.f, likes it. It is NEVER right to accept he is lieing to you about watching porn and the right thing is to talk about it to work out where the problem is.









thank you thankyou thankyou........i think you understand what i have been saying, i have nothing against porn and if ppl want to watch it they can, BUT i dont like when MY husband watches it...






and i totally agree if my husband caught me looking at 'big dicks' on tv or the net he would not like that at all.






so thank you again, i appreciate the time:)





Are you saying you have never had a vibrator? or another toy of that sort? If so you have looked at another dick, and maybe he feels that he is not enough. There is 2 sides to that.

Stacy - posted on 11/19/2009

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Do the two of you still make love? I don't care much for porn myself, but the truth of it isas much as it hurts my selfisteam, I'd rather him watch porn than cheat with an actual person. As long as he is paying attention to your needs, and does not rub your face in it(watch it in front of you), Let him be. On the other hand, if he is not paying attention to your needs, and would rather have the porn he is an a#s. Rather we want to admit or not most people look at a person of the oposit sex, they just don't make it obvious.

It hurt alot to know that person you love is looking at another naked person, and beeing aroused, but porn is not cheating. Maybe try role play in the bed room, you might even enjoy that. Give him a fantasy with you in it.

[deleted account]

Porn is not ok to have inside a marriage! I honestly think you two should sit down and have a deep discussion about God and what He expects of you! Watching porn, together or alone, opens up doors for temptations that can lead to cheating. Watching porn does not just open those doors, it's also committing aduletry! There is absoutly no reason that porn should be allowed inside your marriage! I strongly encourage your husband and you to get involved with God for the sake of your marriage, your soul, and your family!!! You can message me if you have any questions at all on how to do this! Here's the first post I posted! Please re-read it and take to heart what I'm trying to tell you! You can't beat this without God! Find Him and you'll find peace!!!! Trust me, I know what I'm talking about! .......Matthew 5:27-28 "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery' but I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

Of course you have lost trust in him, he broke a promise! However, you should forgive him, the Bible says in Matthew 18:21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?".........Luke 17:4 "And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' forgive him.".........so the right thing to do is forgive him, however that does not excuse what he has done. According to the Bible he has committed adueltry.....All I can tell you to do is to get a relationship with God and grow in Him and He'll take care of it......Porn is an addiction that will ruin a marriage so I strongly encourage you to get involved with the Lord and by you being involved your husband will eventually get involved and by the power of Prayer you can help him with his addiction! I will pray for you!

[deleted account]

Porn is not ok to have inside a marriage! I honestly think you two should sit down and have a deep discussion about God and what He expects of you! Watching porn, together or alone, opens up doors for temptations that can lead to cheating. Watching porn does not just open those doors, it's also committing aduletry! There is absoutly no reason that porn should be allowed inside your marriage! I strongly encourage your husband and you to get involved with God for the sake of your marriage, your soul, and your family!!! You can message me if you have any questions at all on how to do this! Here's the first post I posted! Please re-read it and take to heart what I'm trying to tell you! You can't beat this without God! Find Him and you'll find peace!!!! Trust me, I know what I'm talking about! .......Matthew 5:27-28 "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery' but I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

Of course you have lost trust in him, he broke a promise! However, you should forgive him, the Bible says in Matthew 18:21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?".........Luke 17:4 "And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' forgive him.".........so the right thing to do is forgive him, however that does not excuse what he has done. According to the Bible he has committed adueltry.....All I can tell you to do is to get a relationship with God and grow in Him and He'll take care of it......Porn is an addiction that will ruin a marriage so I strongly encourage you to get involved with the Lord and by you being involved your husband will eventually get involved and by the power of Prayer you can help him with his addiction! I will pray for you!

Erin - posted on 11/19/2009

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Quoting Stephanie:

The whole porn thing is not natural and it sounds like your husband is a porn addict, other wise he would not be doing it behind your back or feel the need to lie about it. He needs help like counseling! I would demand he talk to a counselor or a preacher about his problem or your marriage is going to suffer terribly!



he is not a porn addict........

Stephanie - posted on 11/19/2009

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The whole porn thing is not natural and it sounds like your husband is a porn addict, other wise he would not be doing it behind your back or feel the need to lie about it. He needs help like counseling! I would demand he talk to a counselor or a preacher about his problem or your marriage is going to suffer terribly!

Stephanie - posted on 11/19/2009

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The whole porn thing is not natural and it sounds like your husband is a porn addict, other wise he would not be doing it behind your back or feel the need to lie about it. He needs help like counseling! I would demand he talk to a counselor or a preacher about his problem or your marriage is going to suffer terribly!

Lisa - posted on 11/18/2009

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I'm not keen on my husband watching porn either, mainly cos the stuff he had was a bit over the top for me. (he would pick up what was cheap or on sale) I was nosey one day and watched some of it and then threw out what I found to be really distasteful. I know that since having my son I haven't been interested in sex but that is my issue and not his. I now rent dvd's for him so I have a little bit of a say in what he is watching so it is sometimes a bit more tasteful. I would rather this than him going outside of the marriage.

communication is the key, why does he feel he has to go behind your back to watch it?? Also are you more upset by the porn or the dishonesty?? Maybe there is a way you can both find a happy medium??



Whatever happens, good luck

Jenny - posted on 11/18/2009

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Just as an aside, I'm watching Oprah right now and it is about women and porn. 1 in 3 women watch porn at least once per month. So if it's not you, it's your friends.

Kate CP - posted on 11/18/2009

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Quoting Tasia:

Maybe he should go to rehab. I know it sounds crazy but it might help him and you in the long run. It's worth a shot.


WHAT!? He's not addicted to porn! Aren't we jumping to conclusions here? Good lord.

Kaysee - posted on 11/18/2009

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You need to talk this over and find a compromise. I'm not a fan of porn but I have found it can be informative and useful in making a better relationship. My objection is that I feel that the sexual act is a private thing and it makes me uncomfortable to watch other doing it. But I have also found that by being open to my husband's need to watch I have been able to better understand his needs and desires. We now have it on a couple of times a year (me with my back to it) and he doesn't feel the need to watch it without me. For my husband it was a fantasy thing and nothing to feel threatened by. We all have fantasies in one way or another. I take mine through books. I see myself in the scenes set by the writer. By being open to his desires and/or fantasies you may take the need for porn away. This does need to be addressed in someway though. If the two of you don't get it out in the open and come to an understanding there could be major consequences. He will feel squashed and rebelious and you will be distrustful and resentful. None of these will be good for your marriage.

Dioné - posted on 11/17/2009

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I reckon every man goes through this stage. The more you push it away the worse it will become. Tell him to use the porn when the two of you are alone and watch it together to bettter your sex life instead of making it a issue of trust. If you done trust him at home, he will def find it somewhere else! Sorry you have to go through this...

User - posted on 11/17/2009

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hmmmm. this is a tough one. on one hand, i don't think its a bad thing to look at porn or do that sort of thing, as long as it doesn't rule your life, or u don't change your day to do it... on the other hand, my goodness i would be upset too if my hubby lied to me.. i have found "porn" on my hubby's phone before, and its just a slap in the face. it makes me not feel sexy and it makes me feel useless.. i deleted it, and talked wiht him about it... i don't know girl... that is a tough one. i understand your feelings of being crushed, but i'm not saying he was completely wrong.. its just a tough one!!! i hope you get it all worked out girly! i know how being hurt goes.

Tasia - posted on 11/17/2009

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Maybe he should go to rehab. I know it sounds crazy but it might help him and you in the long run. It's worth a shot.

Anastasia - posted on 11/17/2009

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As one of the other writers said, would you want your daughter to do porn? If he can truly answer "yes", then you have to make a decision. If he thinks that's a bad idea, he will now think of the women he is looking at differently and it will probably spoil it for him. My husband kept on saying how square I was when Brittany Spears was on tv with hardly any clothes on, and so I told him I was going to take our daughter shopping for those type of clothes the next day. He changed his mind fast !!

Jenny - posted on 11/17/2009

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this is an issue about honesty. My husband was looking at porn online, I told him how it made me feel, he agreed to stop, meaning he hid it better. I found it again, he hid it deeper (learning how to cover his tracks on the computer), however I found it again. I am not a prude in any way and even subscribed to playboy, posed for our own pictures, used "toys" and watched soft porn as a compromise. Later I found a "picture" on his cell phone. I was angry because I thought he should have one of the sexy pictures of me on there. We have two children together and I was the stay at home Mom for several years, HOWEVER, I could not tolerate this disrespect any longer and left him for being a dishonest shit.

Lisa - posted on 11/17/2009

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Quoting Sylvia:

@Anna :

In most versions, orexis is translated “lust” in Romans 1:27: “…men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust (orexis) for one another.” Spiros Zodhiates defines orexis as: “Appetite, lust or concupiscence. It is always the reaching out after an object with the purpose of drawing it to oneself and appropriating it.”
What this means is that the lust Jesus was referring to (as Greek has 5 different words for the concept, with differing levels of meaning) is the conscious coveting of an object/person AND the conscious INTENT to make that thign ones own.
In other words, just feelign desire for someone is NOT what the man was talking about. When using bible verses, take them in the context they are intended, not as a retro-engineered "ends fits my means' fashion. Jesus was speaking to a group of men who were notorious for setting their wives aside for new wives without following Judaic law which states that a wife may not be put aside for any reason other than fornication. You see, they were divorcing their wives without need (because men could marry as many as they could support) and taking younger wives when by Judaic law, a wife who has not commited adultery was forbidden to remarry because by7 church law, she was STILL the property of the original man, while that man was free to do as he wished!
Jesus was protecting the rights of jewish women - not telling a bunch of men that it was a sin to fantasize.
Geez....



I am soooo glad someone knows the bible well enough to put things strait.  i admitadly don't know the first thing about the bible but Do agree that people love to tout the verses that they feel like and alot of the time out of context.  Thank you so much for the clarification!!!

Sylvia - posted on 11/17/2009

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Thanks!
Btw, for everyone pulling out their books, I meant to reference Matthew 5:28, and Epithumia (means a longing for the unlawful and a striving for that goal), not Orexis. Please read the entirety of the incident with the Pharisees before responding. :)
Much love.

Jenny - posted on 11/17/2009

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Do women still not understand why men watch porn? Because of the need for uninhibited release. The girl on the screen isn't telling him what a disgusting, immoral human he is being for doing something which feels natural. She does not judge him, like his wife is doing, or force him to make promises he is not capable of keeping to get her off his back. She just helps him get his rocks off. Leave the man alone!

Julia - posted on 11/17/2009

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if it bothers you it should be a big deal to him, i would tell him its either the porn or you, if you find out hes been doing it again let him be with just his porn. or compromise fine and erotic film that you dont mind and watch it together, erotic is different them porn but its a good compromise.

Kathleen - posted on 11/17/2009

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maybe ask him why he is soooo interested in it? ask him why he is so willing to upset you in order to watch it? find out the reasons behind it first, then figure it out from there.

Sylvia - posted on 11/17/2009

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Btw, Post regarding re-reading was meant for Laura, who I see has already said that she will not engage in conversation on the matter, so I suppose its fair to ignore. ;)

Sylvia - posted on 11/17/2009

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Thanks so much for introducing this issue, Erin, and thank you for not flaming or contributing to the demonization of those who may not agree with your personal views on the matter, but still feel deep sympathy for your trials.
I wish you all the best. :)

Kate CP - posted on 11/17/2009

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Quoting Anna:

I'd say the answer to your problem is to get saved!! Jesus Christ died on the cross,to save us from our sins (watching or looking at porn IS SIN,it is lust and just as bad as adultery).I think all men have to deal with lust,and it is something they will never have victory over unless they see it as sin,and take it to the cross;asking Jesus to give them the victory over it.Jesus won our victories when He died for us at the cross,He defeated satan for us;now it's up to us to believe in Jesus to give us that victory.so,if your husband is not saved he will probably always be living in lust,if not in porn,it will just be when he sees another sexy woman,etc. Jesus Christ is the only One who can break that bondage in a mans life.And no,not all men watch porn or lust after other women ~ my husband struggled with masterbation for years,but Jesus Christ set him free;and today he is a free man,and we have a wonderful relationship.I completely trust him,actually you could say that I trust Christ to keep him from getting involved in any type of lustful activity. He that the SON (Jesus Christ) hath set free is free indeed! Jesus is the answer to all your problems!!!


BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! If you think your husband doesn't masturbate you are living in a fantasy world. 

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