I miss my son

Melissa - posted on 12/24/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )




I separated from my ex nine months ago and I refuse to take him back.
My son is 5. His father has never been interested in having anything to do with him until I refused to take him back.
Now my ex spreads awful lies about me and refuses to co-parent.
My boy is having a tough time with all this so I organised for him to see a counsellor and advised my ex, but now my ex refuses to give his 'permission' so now my boy can't go.
My ex took me to court saying I wasn't giving him enough visitation, even though he was getting what we previously agreed to, so now he gets more time.
My questions are these;
How do I accept this new reality?
How in this world am I going to cope when my boy is not here?
I miss him so much, I feel like my heart breaks when I have to send him off.
I hope someone can help me, please.


View replies by

Ariana - posted on 12/24/2013




You should take him to court about the decision for counselling.

Is it possible to get some sort of mediator for you and your ex? It may be helpful for you to get some counselling yourself; this is a stressful time for you and your son.

In terms of co-parenting I would try to make your conversations with him as concise as possible and keep it to the best interest of your son. Do not argue with him as much as possible and do not lower yourself in a conversation. I find sometimes it is helpful to use email communication because it gives me time to sort my thoughts and I can save it and reread it later. That way I can step back and make sure what I am saying is not overly confrontational and based on facts without any major bias on my part.

A counsellor may also be able to assist you in finding ways to work with your ex that will be beneficial and to deal with him being difficult.

If he is spreading lies I would directly confront him (but not in an overly confrontational way). Simply say, I heard you said such and such about me is this true? Sometimes calmly confronting someone works much better than becoming aggressive.

My best piece of advice is to NEVER say anything negative about your sons father in front of him NEVER discuss parental disagreements with your child, or in earshot of your child.

I remember a good friend of mine asking her daughter did your dad say this? Did he say this to you? And it was obvious the father had said this thing but the poor girl was kind of standing there with that deer in the headlights look. She did not want to lie, but didn't really want to rat her dad out either. It put her in a really bad situation, you don't want to do that with your child.

Is it possible to somehow get to call your son while he is at your fathers? Could you bring this up with your ex?

There is probably a lot of animosity going on and the best way to defuse this is to try and be respectful and detach from the situation personally. The less emotional you are when dealing with your ex the more rational you can act and hopefully the more rational he will act. Otherwise there really isn't much you can do.

Jodi - posted on 12/24/2013




You accept this reality by accepting that your son has a biological father that has the same rights you do as a parent. That is the way it is. The fact is, you chose to have a child with this man. You may not like him now, but at some point you liked him well enough to have sex with and a child with and be with for a period of time. Respect that.

You will cope when your son isn't there. I won't pretend it is easy. Heck, my son is with his father now over Christmas and New Year for 10 days - he is 16 and I STILL find it tough after all these years. Keep yourself busy.Find a hobby. Use this time to do all the things you never have time for. Go out with friends!! Consider it a cheap babysitting option!! Try to turn it into a positive thing for your "me" time.

With regard to the counselling, you should have asked for that permission when you went to court. Co-parenting can be difficult when one parent won't agree to something that requires the permission of both parents. If counselling is in your son's best interests, the courts will agree to it and you won't need his father's permission. If your ex continues to disagree with decisions that are in your child's best interests, the courts will eventually tire of it. I know my ex continually tried to block things I was deciding, simply because it made it difficult for me. The last straw was his high school enrolment. I took it to court, and the judge thought he was being petty and ridiculous, so he handed me FULL parental responsibility for all decision making in the future. I no longer need a signature from his father on anything (except when we renew his passport). So continuing to block things to be petty did not get him anywhere in the long run.

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