I need some advice!!

Erinn - posted on 04/18/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )




Over a year ago (when my husband was at his most recent job) he had an opportunity to go from second shift to first shift (he's always been a night owl, so this wasn't an easy transition!!) He started taking over the counter sleeping pills to help him get to sleep. Over time I started noticing he'd start running out sooner and sooner and would need to get more. I never really saw the red light go on until one night late he was in our room and holding his chest... he said he felt like his heart was beating out of his chest. That totally terrified me, we ended up calling poison control and when I told the woman how many pills he had taken, she panicked and said to get him to the ER ASAP!! He had taken about 40 pills the previous night ( I had NO idea he had taken so many but obviously I knew at that point why he would have to go to the store sooo soon to get more!) and that night he took about 50.... so that's almost 100 pills in 2 nights that he took!! When I got him to the ER the nurses and doctor were in disbelief! Obviously they viewed it as a suicide attempt ( who takes that many pills just to sleep and not to try to end their life??) They tried to get him to drink charcoal but he outright refused to drink it! There were a few cops there watching him, since it was viewed as a suicide attempt, so it was quite an ordeal, he threatened to leave, but the cops said they'll just have to put him in handcuffs and bring him back to the hospital! After all this went on, he asked me to not tell anyone about what happened, he was still saying that he wasn't trying to end his life... just sleep better!! I told him i wouldn't, but was terrified! My mother in law even told me that if he had just gone to sleep with that amount of pills in his system, which is what he wanted to do to begin with, there's a chance he could've died in his sleep and that it was a good thing that I dragged him to the ER!! Anyways..... we got into a HUGE argument last night and he said that he still hasn't forgiven me for telling someone about what happened. He viewed it as a betrayal!! Now, I love him soooo much and didn't do it to betray him, I was terrified and didn't know how to cope with that, our son was very young at that time. I needed someone to talk to, especially if he did it again. How do we deal with this?? I was wondering how other people viewed it? Do you see it as a betrayal? I didn't wanna have to tell anyone, but I was in a very difficult situation and was very emotional! How can we go on to have a good healthy happy marriage if he's still stuck in the past like this? He said it was the WORST thing anyone has ever done to him! Any advice???


Shari - posted on 04/18/2009




You poor thing!! you both have to talk about this. There is no way your marriage can survive with this stress. Is he still taking the pills? If he is, he needs help with that. As an RN, I have seen this before. People think that you have to take street drugs or prescription drugs that aren't yours to be a drug addict. The highest rise in drug abuse today is someone taking their own prescriptions at a much faster rate. It starts out very innocent. someone takes a legal med for pain, sleep, anxiety, ect. Then they take it too long and their body becomes tolerant to the level of drug, so they take more to get the same effect. This cycle continues till they "need" to take the meds. Most time they need help to break this cycle. It is amazing that your husband survived taking that many meds. If he's still taking them, and you may think he's stopped while he is still taking them since he doesn't trust you not to tell now, he needs help to stop. But, you are in a very difficult situation. They become paranoid. They don't trust anyone who is not helping them get the drugs. You need to closely watch him. If you see him acting suspecious watch him closer. You may have to get his Mom to come and help you confront him. You need to tell him that if he doesn't get help for his addiction then you and your child will have to leave. You have to do this for your sake, but especially for your child's sake. Don't let your child grow up in a home where there is drug abuse and a bad relationship between his parents. If your husband is still on the meds, then his mind is altered and he will not be good at thinking clearly and understanding his actions have caused this problem not yours. Good luck honey, and make sure you do what's best for you and that precious child. Don't confront him alone if you think he's still taking meds. I will pray for you.

If he has stopped, than you should suggest counseling to deal with your fear, his mistrust, and your marriage survival. I pray this is the situation. If he won't go, go to counseling yourself. At least, find a friend that you can confide in that will keep your confidence. As women, we need to talk out our problems. Do that for your own mental health.


View replies by

[deleted account]

40 pills one night and 50 the next was definitely a suicide attempt. Don't let him convince you otherwise. Insist he go into therapy. Hospitalize him if you must. My mother had psychological issues and it took many years and several medicines to get her to ever admit she had a problem. Denial is the first stage. Please get him to the next stages with help or leave him if you must. What he did was cowardly and despicble and you deserve better. Don't let him berate you for taking care of your needs.

Leigh - posted on 04/18/2009




As a wife, mom and paramedic, I think you did absolutely the right thing! I hate to hear that you husband saw this as a betrayal. Men, in particular, are very embarrased by any weakness (real or perceived). He doesn't know how lucky his is to even be alive! But by the grace of God, he is. We all need our support groups, and it sounds like you have a good one in your mother-in-law. Unfortunately, he sees this as a breech of trust. Continue to let him know how terrified you were of losing him. Trust is hard to rebuild. Would he be open to marriage counseling? You two have a tough road before you. I know this doesn't give any concrete fix to the problem. Continue to be completely open with him, have faith that God will help and put it in His hands. You are in our family's thoughts and prayers. Best wishes.

User - posted on 04/18/2009




Erinn I just want to reach out and give you a big hug and a huge pat on the back! You are an awesome mother to your two beautiful children and you do so much for them. You love your husband so much and it shows...he may not see it now but when he looks back and sees you there by his side though this tough times he will truely appreciate everything you've done...even the times where you reached out for help because in this situation you can't do it by yourself!

Erinn - posted on 04/18/2009




Thanks for all the responses!! It's nice to hear other people say that they don't see it as betrayal!! I love him sooo much, and can't even imagine going through the rest of my life without him!! We may not be a "perfect match" or even have very much in common, but he's my husband and the father of my children! He's no longer taking the pills and flushed them down the toilet the night he was in the ER. Thanks again!!

Christine - posted on 04/18/2009




I lived with someone for years who abused pills. They build a tolerance and that is why they take more and more. That is why drug abusers overdose. You did not betray him. People with addictions blame everyone but themselves. He needs professional help, but may not want it. I wish you the best of luck and I will pray for you and your family.

[deleted account]

Your husband isn't suicidal, he's an addict. It's very difficult to cure this addiciton because the drug of choice is readily available. He's the one who has to realize he's addicted. He probably does, but doesn't want to say it out loud. Once he admits it to himself, he'll figure it out. He's angry at himself, not you. You did what you did out of fear and love. Counseling will help you both. Maybe separately at first, then maybe together later. Good luck. I feel your pain.

Janine - posted on 04/18/2009




wow you are a very strong lady to deal with all this. i agree with what other people have said he need proffesional help, i know you love him but what ever happens you have to do what is best for you and your kids seeing there mum and dad argue is not a good enviroment. good luck sweetie sending love and healing

Val - posted on 04/18/2009




Hi Erinn,
I'm sorry you had to experience such a terrifying ordeal.
Please make it clear to your husband that, "that was the WORST thing anyone ever did to YOU!" He put you in a position of having to choose between your loyalty towards him and his life, how dare he. Tell him that YOU feel betrayed that he wasn't honest about his intentions towards taking that many pills. To give him the benefit of the doubt, if he truly couldn't sleep, 50 pills is overkill and he should have gone to the doctor to get something stronger than over the counter pills. By not going to the doctor it sounds like he had something to hide and should never have assumed you would be okay with it let alone keep it a secret.

I'm a little concerned that this is coming up again a year later. Why is this on his mind? Is he contemplating trying it again? You need to find out if he is troubled or overwhelmed about something and does he feel he needs to speak to a professional about it.

If you translate what he is saying to you, this is what it sounds like...
"The WORST thing anyone (you) has ever done to me is ... prevent me from dying or taking my life by telling someone and now I am embarrassed and humiliated that it didn't work. Now I have to justify what my intentions were to everyone who knows."

Again, how dare HE put you in the position of having to worry and wonder what is going through his mind. Ask him to be honest with you and tell you what he was feeling and/or thinking at the time.

Best of luck to you Erinn. The only way to have a good healthy happy marriage is through good communication. Even if we don't like what we hear.

[deleted account]

Your husband needs help. He may not have tried to commit suicide, but he needs to see someone about his addiction. Maybe he needs to work nights to be able to function that might be the answer to the problem, but he really needs to see a professional. I dont think you betrayed him for telling someone, but it might be the first step of getting him help.

Stacy - posted on 04/18/2009




Sometimes those we are closest to can hurt us the most. You didn't betray him, you were trying to help. He definately has a problem, but the thing you need to remember is it is HIS problem, you can't fix it, he has to and he won't until he's ready. He probably doesn't even admit that he has a problem and that is why he's lashing out at you. You admitted something that he wants to keep a secret, even from himself.

Jeanne - posted on 04/18/2009




First of all, you needed someone to reach out to as this was a very scary thing for you. If he is trying to blame you, all these months later, there maybe something else lurking in the background. Is he still taking the pills? If he isn't thank your lucky stars for that and if he is it sounds like he's and addict and is searching to blame someone rather than look at himself. If he throws it up in your face again, apologize to him, but remind him it was hard on you as well as him as you thought you were losing the love of your life and your child's father. If he doesn't seem to want to hear it, suggest counselling...it might be that he is just to ashamed to admit that he needed your help, when he sees himself as the protector and provider. Good luck dear, and remember there will always be ups and downs in any relationship and if it is worth saving...work and fight for it my dear.

Kate CP - posted on 04/18/2009




Yes, he needs to be seen by a professional. If need be, he should be hospitalized. This *was* a suicide attempt. I think he may be embarrassed about the whole thing or ashamed which is why he is attempting to keep it a secret. I wish you the best of luck with this and you're family is in my prayers.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms