I really need some help

Schyla - posted on 04/08/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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So a few weeks ago (like a month and a half) my little brother (he's 20) brings a young woman home and asks my parents if she can stay for about a week, because she got kicked out of her place, and her school didn't start until the next week, so my parents opened their home to this young lady, a week comes and goes and she's now going to wait until April to start school, because she doesn't have money for a place to live. (hello it's April) well then it turns out that she and my brother are dating, and then we learn that she's still married, and hasn't filed for the divorce yet, then she gets the divorce papers and gets it all taken care of, and before she gets the confirmation that it's final, she and my brother are engaged. Neither one has a job or any hope of a job and my parents have "said" that they are done at the end of the month, with or without a job. The only exception being if my brother has taken the steps to join the military, so here is my first issue, my family has taken in this young lady opened our hearts to her and she has lied (or so it feels like). She doesn't contribute to the house hold chores, and she and my brother are often alone in his room with the door closed (always been a HUGE no no). She doesn't have a job and neither dose my brother they are on the verge of living out of a car that doesn't even work all the time. I worry that my brother is going to end up hurt, I have offered help like when I hear about job opening somewhere I let them know (not just them but all the people I know who are looking) and when they don't pan out for her I get accused of lying, the tension in my parents home is so high I don't even feel welcome there anymore. I have informed my parents that because of this I will not allow my children to visit, (i have a daughter who is overly sensitive and over stimulates easily and the last few times we've been there have been a nightmare for her) My mother says that I'm letting this young lady have control over my actions but the example my brother is setting is not one I want my children exposed to and the tension in the house isn't good for either of my kids. Do you think that I made a rash judgment call and am letting this young women have control, or do I have every right to deiced that I don't want my kids exposed to the tension or the example they are setting (just to clarify the example would be living together before marriage and mooching off of others (something I feel very strongly about) and here is my second issue I am very hurt over being called a lier however I am mature enough not to let that color my decision I feel I have a right to worry about my little brother and offer whatever help I can when something comes my way, my mother has voiced that she feels like all of her help has been treeted the same way and I'm worried this young lady is trying to shut all of us out of his life (I had a boyfriend that did that to me and I am seeing not just some but A LOT of the same kind of behavior here) am I out of line bringing this concern to my brother attention or the attention of my parents? or do I just keep my mouth shut instead of bringing more tension into an already tense situation?

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Schyla - posted on 04/08/2010

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Amy I don't think they will "infect" my kids that's not even the issue here the issue is that my child becomes over stimulated and throws temper tantrums when exposed to that level of tension and I am worried about exposing her to that and my mother is telling me that I'm letting this young lady control my decision.

Kristi - posted on 04/08/2010

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I would tell your mom that you don't want your kids exposed to a shack-up situation. I don't think that's letting the girlfriend control you if it's your mom's house and she is too weak to require your 20-year old brother and his girlfriend/fiancee/whatever to behave like grownups. It's ridiculous for them to be living under her roof like that! I think it's wise to keep your kids out of a disaster waiting to happen. While it's nice of you to offer help on the job scene, they don't sound like they are looking for work. I would stop wasting my time, invite mom to your house for lunch if she wants to spend time with your family, and wish your bro and his lady the best of luck. You don't owe them a thing more than that. Good luck - don't buy in to the drama! :)

Schyla - posted on 04/08/2010

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Thank you all for your advice and support I understand that i cannot make my brother's choices for him nor do I want to, I just have a hard time seeing were this relationship is headed and letting him get hurt like that. My only real concern is for my children I do not want to feel like I'm punishing them (by not going over to my parents witch we use to do often) because of the mood in the house, My parents are very stressed about this and I really don't know if they are going to follow through or just let them keep being leaches nor do I feel I have any right to demand that they do so (I do feel for them but this really is their business and not mine) and I can see how in away I am letting that control how I react in the situation. I don't live too far away and so yes my parents can come and visit at our house (it's just a tiny little place and they have a huge yard were we let the kids run) I'm just very worried and fed up, theses are my parents and all my life I was taught to respect them and the rules of the house and it drives me crazy when anyone (even my other siblings) disrespects those things and I'm protective. Thank you again for all of the advice I really appreciate it.

Kate CP - posted on 04/08/2010

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They're your kids and you do what's best for them regardless of what other people think.

Phyllis - posted on 04/08/2010

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I have kids who over stimulate easily and are easily affected by the 'mood' of the room. I would keep them away too. The example being set probably wouldn't bother me so much, but that is certainly your call too. These are your children and you do what you feel is right for them.

Angie - posted on 04/08/2010

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You are the mom and you get to decide what our children are exposed to. I agree with you and I would choose to keep my children away. My BIL sexually assulated me and my family gets upset that I don't allow my children to be around him. We moms have to think of our children VERY first.

Kelly - posted on 04/08/2010

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I think at least someone is making some wise decisions and that is you! Your priority is to your kids and what they are exposed to is your responsibilty. Do not question your decision to keep them away from that. Your parents can visit you at your house for the time being. As far as advice to your brother he has heard you and unfortunately he will make his own choices, good or bad. Until your parents set some boundries and hold to a deadline they will continue to abuse and freeload off your parents. This will probably only get worse if your parents push the deadline back or they have to sleep in their car and work up some sympathy. At this point catering to that will only make them worse. Like handing drugs over to an addict. Just enabling them. Your brother may learn some lessons the hard way but you need to let him fall and it is time for you paretns to set sme boundries and also let him fall if he doesn't maintain them. Even simple house rules that are disrespected. If he is in his bedroom then the door remains open or he finds his own place. At this point if you have voiced your opinions then it's time to step back, be polite and feel confident in your own choices and wash your hands of it.

Stevie - posted on 04/08/2010

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no i think you are completely in the right i could really go on with this as well but really i think you are right i wouldnt want my kids in a situation like that i wouldnt want anything like that around my kids and they should be greatful and thats what it sounds like to me also my brother dated this one girl once who took him from our family for years and years even years after she was gone i hope they all open thier eyes soon

[deleted account]

I do agree with Kathy but I know it is easy to say that what your family does is none of your business but SO much harder to accept because you love these people and what they do does have some impact on your life.

However in a way your Mom is right. Don't let this person ( a relative stranger) come between you and your family.Your brother is free to make his own decisions and you have no say over that but you can control how you react and how you let it affect you. Do what you feel is right for your children and yourself but don't let your emotions towards your brother and this woman drive your decisions. Don't over react as you will end up punishing the wrong people. Your daughter's relationship with her Grandparents has nothing to do with any of this and she doen't deserve to have that suffer.

I take it you don't live at home. If you don't want your children exposed to the situation at your parents house then arrange for them to visit you instead. Ask your parents to respect that as it means you don't have to explain things to your kids that they don't need to know and that you don't have to become involved in the conflict.

Lorie - posted on 04/08/2010

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I would really sit your brother down and tell him how your feeling about all this and its up to him to take it or leave it. He is young but he is still a adult and you nor anyone else can make him do anything. It really sounds like he making some very big wrongs but what can you do? He's not a teen right.

Iam sure your parents have also told him how they are feeling and if he is not taking that in and changing then I think they need to do some " hard love " on him. I think he just might have to learn the hard way.

I wouldn't expose my children to that, if your parents want to see your babies they can come to your house.

It sounds like your brother have a lot of growing to do still.

I really feel for you.

good luck

Kathy - posted on 04/08/2010

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First of all I have to say-take a deep breathe. Learn from my mistake. Take a huge leap back. What and who your brother does is NONE of your business. He is a adult. He can made all the bad decisions he wants. He has that right not only as an adult but as an individual. How your parents decide to handle the situation with them in their house is also NONE of your business. You can not expect your parents or brother to live up to your personal moral code. It is not only unfair but unrealitic. You will be the one on the outside. The best thing you can do, is keep your mouth shut, tell your parents not to bitch to you about him, tell him not to bitch to you about her or them. Be Switzerland! As for your children, explain the situation without the dirty details. Lt them know why you don't agree with you brothers actions and how you expect them to handle life decisions differently (this is where your morals come into play-sneaky). In the end, your brother will know you will be there for him no matter how stupid he is, and your parents will respect that you let them handle their parental dties on their own. Took me a rough year to learn these lessons with my brother, his wife, and my parents. Good luck

Sharon - posted on 04/08/2010

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There is so much I don't approve. Her being an adulterer, him facilitating adultery, the lies by omission, the mooching, her apparent laziness....



what a mess.



I wouldn't visit very often. I would let being called a liar affect my decisions and my opinion of someone.



I think you've done the right thing. I'd find her soon to be ex and give him all the ammo he needs to blow her out of the water in the divorce. Your brother is dating a train wreck. She's going to drag him into hell on earth.

Iridescent - posted on 04/08/2010

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What they choose to do is not up to you. Let your children visit - they won't "infect" your kids. And their mistakes are going to be made, all around, just like you make yours.

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