I REALLY REALLY NEED HELP,

Terry - posted on 12/10/2018 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I FEEL ITS TIME THAT I GET A DIVORCE. ITS BEEN 4 YEARS SINCE I BEEN WITH MY HUSBAND, WE BEEN MARRIED 3. WE HAVE A GREAT MARIAGE THAT WHY THIS IS SO HARD. BUT MY 9 YEAR OLDSS AND I ARE JUST NOE BONDING AND IT DOENT MATTER WHAT I SAY HE WANT TO ARGUE, NOT ONLY WITH ME BUT HIS DAD TO ANDI;M TO THE POINT THAT I DONT WANT TO BE AROUND HIM CAUSE IT ALWAYS SOMETHING. AND SINCE WE ARE RAISING HIM THAT HARD . I FEEL I LIVE FOR WHEN HE GOES TO HIS MOM AND THAT SHOULDNT BE THIS WAY , IVE RAISED 3 KIDS AND EVEN HELP MY HUSBAND FINISH WITH HIS DAUGHTER AND WE GET ALONG GOOD, IF HE NOT ARGRUING WITH ME HES LYING OF SAYING THINGS TO HURT MY FEELING , WE TRY COUNCELING , , HERE A EXAMPLE, MY HUSABAND DAUGHTER WAS LIVING WITH US FOR A FEW WEEKS, ARE SON BETIME IS 830 SO HE STARTS GIVING HIS LOVING TO EVERYONE HE GOES TO HIS DAD HUGS HIM THEN WALK INTO KITCHEN STOP GO BACK GIVES HIS SISTER HUGS, THEN GO TO BRUSH HIS TEETH, I SIT THERE FOR AWHILE THEN I GOT TO MY ROOM TO USE THE REST ROOM AND TAKE MY MEDICINE. MY HUSBAND COMES IN THERE AND ASK WHAT I WAS DOING I SAID TAKING MY MEDS, HE TELL ME ARE SON WAS WANTING TO GIVE ME LOVING I TOLD HIM NOT TO GO BACK THERE AND MAKE HIM GIVE ME A HUS THAT IF HE DONT WANT TO HE DOESNT HAVE TO 9 CUASE IT NOT THE FIRST TIME HE DID THIS) SO MY HUSBAND SAID I DID TELL HIM TO , THEN HE TELL ME IF I DONT GO IN THERE SO HE CAN GIVE ME LOVING THAT I WANT SEE THEM EVER AGAIN, IT WAS A BIG MESS, WHEN WE WENT TO COUNCLING THE NEXT WEEK, ALL I FELT LIKE THEY BOTH MADE ME OUT TO BE THE BAD PERSON, MY HUSBAND KEEPING SAYING HE FORGOT , BUT HOW DO YOU FORGET SOMEONE WE YOU JUST GAVE SOMEONE HUGS THAT WAS 2 FEET FROM YOU. AT CHRISTMAS TIME I WAITED TILL MY SS GOT BACK FROM HIS MOM TO PUT THE TREE UP, NOW BEFORE THIS WAS SOMETHING I DID WITH MY GRANDKIDS, BUT AFTER I MARRIED I FELT I NEEDED TO MAKE MEMORIES WITH MY SS. AS HE WAS PUTTING THE ORDIMATES ON THE TREE, MY HUSBAND HAD THESE PIQUINS AND THEY HAD THERE NAMES ON THEM WILL THE FIRST YEAR HIS DAUGHTER TOOK ONE AND PUT MOM ON IT FOR ME, NOW THATS 3 CHRISTMAS AGO, WHEN HE WAS PUTTING THE ORDIMATE ON THE TREE HE TURN TO HIS DAD AND SAID HEY DA IS THIS THE ONLY ONE MY MOM HAS ON THE TREE, HIS DAD TOLD HIM THAT IN THIS HAS I WAS MOM AND HIS MOM HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS HOUSE AND NOTHING IN IT SHE HAS HER OWN HOME, THIS WASNT THE FIRST TIME HE SAID THING , NOW HIS MOM AND DAD BEEN DIVORCE SINCE HE WAS 3 AND HIS DAD HAD RAISED HIM , SHE ONLY GETS HIM ON WEEKENDS AND HOILDAYS AND THAT HOW SHE WANT IT. IM TO THE POINT I DONT WANT TO BE AROUND HIM AND THAT NOT THE PERSON I AM, BUT I CANT EVEN LOOK AT HIM WITH OUT HIM SAYING SOMETHING SMART. PLEASE HELP ME I DONT WANT TO LOOSE MY HUSBAND BUT I TRY EVERYTHING AND ITS NOT WORKING.

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Raye - posted on 12/11/2018

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My comment is somehow not showing up, so here it is again:

I am a stepmom of two kids and I understand your frustration with your stepson. There are days that are so hard for me to manage the kids attitudes and their father not understanding or respecting my feelings. So my first bit of advice is to just take a few minutes and breathe.

I believe your husband had good intentions when he asked his son to give you hugs. However, I don't think it was right for him to try to force either of you to show affection that you may not feel. It's so great if stepkids can accept their new stepparent and form a bond with them, but that's not always the case. Your stepson didn't choose this, his father did. Even though he probably was too young to remember his parents together, your SS still knows that his father is one place, and his mother is another place, and that's probably not how his friends parents are. So, try not to take it personally when he shows his frustration over being in an environment he maybe doesn't understand and he can't control.

Your stepson's smart-ass comments to you say more about him than you. He's hurting somehow and doesn't know how to express that in a more constructive way. My advice is to let him know you care, and you're there if he needs you, and let him work it out. Don't accept disrespect, but accept that it's ok for him to be upset. Maybe over time he'll choose to become more affectionate, maybe he won't. But don't force it or feel that there's something wrong with either of you if that bond doesn't happen. If you continue to act in caring way toward him, then that's all you can do. Let the rest go.

I also want to touch on the part you wrote about your SS and his mom. My husband has primary custody of his kids, and their mom is... I'll just say "not great", so I feel your pain. But, it's very common that children idolize their birth parents, even if one of them is a horrible person and/or horrible parent. The child is half of each parent, and to recognize the bad in that parent makes them feel that they are bad too. No kid wants to feel bad about themselves, and they can't yet separate their own identity from that of their parents. This is why one side of the child's family should never bad-mouth the other side. You can say you don't agree with the other parent, but try to be respectful of the child's feelings and don't let them hear you trash-talk their other half.

Regarding authority... I am definitely the Mom in my house (even though I have no biological kids of my own). The kids have to follow my rules and adhere to any discipline we have in our house. Their mother has authority in her house. BUT... I have pictures on my walls of the kids with their mother, her new husband, and her husbands kids. I married my step-kids father... his kids became my kids... so his kids extended family has to be my family also. If you're not allowing any reference to your SS mom in your house, then he probably feels rejected, too. As I said, kids can't always separate their identity from their parents. I'm not saying you're wrong for wanting to leave her out of your house, that's perfectly understandable. But just know that decision may impact your stepchildren.

Finally, whether to get a divorce or not is totally up to you. You're the only one that knows whether you and your husband really want to work this out, whether you have the energy and determination to get through it, or if it's better for all to just part ways. You and your stepson don't have to love each other. But you do need to find some respect for each other. I will say, if the counselor allowed your husband or SS to put all the blame on you, then you should definitely break up with your counselor and find a new one.

Make sure you feel you've done the best you can do before deciding on divorce. Your stepson is too emotionally immature to be able to put in all the effort he should, so try to cut him some slack. But, your husband should be putting in the same amount of effort that you are. You may not get instant results right away, but you and your husband should be a team and be on the same page. If you've exhausted all your resources, are not making any progress with your husband and SS, then divorce might be the best option.

EDIT: I went back and read some of your previous posts. You said you and your husband have a good relationship, but it doesn't seem like that's exactly the case. If your SS feels he can tattle on you to Dad, then Dad is not stepping up. When SS tattles, then there needs to be a family meeting where your husband hears both sides. Then, more times than not, he should side with you and show the boy that he can't play one parent against the other. You are his parent, too. And he needs to know that whether it comes from you or Dad, the result will be the same. Your husband needs to work with you, not against you.

Is your SS always in the counseling sessions? Do you ever tell the counselor things the boy does right? Brag on him a little, and don't just make it all negative all the time. There should be some sessions with you and your husband only, so you can talk candidly about the boy without him feeling like everyone's against him. Then there should be some sessions that are each person alone. The counselor can't give a one-size-fits-all answer, so one-on-one time can help you each get to the heart of different issues.

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