Jovan - posted on 04/22/2012 ( 27 moms have responded )
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Im a stay at home mother to a gorgeous 4 month old baby girl, my husband works hard being in the military and working long hours. Me staying at home I don't do much and when I want to its during the weekend with my husband. But he makes plans with his friend leaving me out and staying at home with baby. Then he argues telling me he's a Grown man and can do what he wants and I have no say in what he wants to do. Then he tells me it isn't his fault I don't have friends. Any advice on the situation.
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Heather - posted on 04/23/2012
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You have EVERY right to demand that he spend a few hours a day with you and HIS daughter on the weekends. You totally do have a say so in what he does, even if he is a grown man, then tell him to freakin' act like it. Grown men don't spend the weekends with their buddies. They spend the weekends with their wives and children.
No, it's not totally his fault that you have no friends. You need to find some mom's groups and make some friends. Go out to lunch to a local McD's or Chick-fil-A, where moms hang out some days for lunch, and meet some new people. That's how I make friends. We have been living in TN for almost 5 years now, and I have a few great friends, but not as many as I'd like to have, but I am working on it.
Time to do things for yourself. If your daughter is on formula, this coming Sat. or Sun., leave her with him with a packed diaper bag for a few hours and tell him that you have lunch plans with a new friend that you met online, even if you actually don't. Then go somewhere for lunch or go see a movie by yourself. Let him take care of HIS child for a few hours. It won't hurt her, or him. He needs to grow up and take responsibility and ACT like a grown man. Only boys go out with their friends every weekend. Grown men, DON'T!
Pamela - posted on 04/26/2012
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Look for other Moms in your area by contacting pre-schools and see if there is a Mother's group/Circle where Moms meet to exchange ideas and socialize. You can also contact any parenting group like Planned Parenthood, etc. and see if they know of any such groups in your area.
Your husband may be feeling 'competition' with the baby for your attention. This sometimes happens with the first child. It could easily be a subconscious situation for both of you.
Have an HONEST, calm conversation with your husband and explain how you feel about being left out of his weekend plans and the fact that you don't get much "play" time together. Plan a "special date" to do something you both like and haven't done in a while.
Hopefully you can get your creative juices flowing to find a way to have more contact with him and to find new Mom friends to socialize with as well!
The Highest and best to you and yours!
Heather - posted on 04/24/2012
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Start doing things without him! It seems like he has you right where he wants. Take your baby and enjoy yourself. I make plans to do things with my four kids all the time without my husband usually when he finds out we have plans he drops what he he is doing and comes with us ;).
Jasmine - posted on 04/23/2012
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Well if your husband is in the military maybe there are some other military wives around that you can become friends with, since you're in similar situations. Sure it's okay for men to go out and have "guy time" but I think he needs to make time for you and the baby. I think he's being a little insensitive. Maybe you can compromise and one night he goes out with his friends and the other night you all go out for dinner or something. Would he be willing to watch the baby while you went out and did something,?
It sounds like you do most of the childcare and housework and it's okay to take a break occasionally.
Julia - posted on 05/03/2012
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My husband wanted to spend time with his friends almost every night & most weekendswhen we first got married, & this lasted for several years. He was still in the bachlor mind set. I felt alone & left out & wanted him home with me more. I told him how I felt, but it made no difference in how he acted, it only made him mad, like your husband. So eventually I stopped mentioning it, read books or watched tv by myself in the evenings & and tried to put on a brave, smiling, loving face the times he was home. I felt it kept us from being close as a married couple. He felt that his free time was to de-stress from work. (I guess being at home was a little stressful, responsiblities of a husband, etc.) I continued to tell him I loved him & every once in a while mention how much I love the times we do spend together, that time its special to me. It did take several years. But now we have been married seven years. Now he goes to see friend 1-2 times a week instead of 5-6x a week. Now he is usually gone for 2-3 hours instead of retrning between 11pm -1am. If you truly love him & want to make this marriage work, don't push him, gently draw him to you. Everyone, especially men get touchy and angry when they feel their choices are critisized. Patience is hard, but worth it in the end. Our marriage continues to grow stronger. Maybe ask him to plan a fun activity/date with you (with or without baby, if you can find a sitter for an hour or two that baby will go to) for one Sat a month. It can be something free if money is tight, like picnic in the park or nature walk or a inexpensive matinee or a restaurant or a game he likes. That works sometimes with my husband. Good luck. Also, I recently joined a mom's club. I just googled mom's club, found several in my area & contacted them & choose one that worked for me. Now I get out with other moms to have playdates, book club, walking with stollers, field trips to children's museums, coffee at Starbucks, a park day. Now I get to spend time with other moms, make new friends of my own, talk about similar issues, have fun & develop friends for my 2 year old & 5 month old.