
Rizzorr - posted on 07/15/2011 ( 100 moms have responded )
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I am at my breaking point. I just wiped off the egg on my face he just threw at me because he didn’t like the way I was looking at him. He is highly depressed and he takes it out on me. I know we need to separate but I don’t have many options and am scared and confused on what is best for my daughter. Her dad and I have been together 5 years; we have 3 yr old girl. We are completely bankrupt. Our net worth is negative 5 dollars. We are months behind in everything. I spend all day frantically applying for and asking for help, while looking for work. I just recovered from 2 surgeries. 1st one was malpractice which caused the 2nd one. That’s another whole story. The surgeries and recovery time set me back so much I can’t keep up. Meanwhile my partner is highly depressed and blames me for everything taking it out on me. When we met I was into bad things. I have been on the straight and narrow for years now but he still throws it in my face. He has walked out of jobs, lied about them. He so worried about his image, the family is suffering. I have always managed to find a way to hold onto what we have. I worked so hard to get us in nice neighborhood but I can’t keep it up. His lack of help and verbal abusive is causing me to be mentally and physical exhausted. My heath is being affected. To top it all off, instead of being appreciative for holding everything together for so long, he blames me constantly torturing me for every bad situation we are in. He blames me fort things he is doing. I beg for help with paperwork and housekeeping and he ignores me or accuses me of being a nut job, calls me names in front of our daughter then he retreats back into the computer where he plays poker and chat with his friends (and looks for other women) Everyone has told me to leave him but it is not that easy. I am 35 and he is 24 so there is a maturity difference plus he was raised in Mexico so his upbringing and his views on things are different. He has no family here no money and no where to go. I have told him to leave many times and he comes back a few hours later. I don’t want to call authorities because I don’t want my daughter to not have a dad. His paperwork for citizenship had not been finalized so I don’t want him to get deported. At least he will take out daughter to the Park and help her get dressed and bring her to school in the morning. It allows me to have a small break. But that is all he will do. Oh yeah, when I get so feet up with his total lack of respect for things and upkeep, I will stop picking up after him. After a few days he snaps and starts cleaning like a mad man (just general area) but he is screaming at me with the name calling, blaming me for EVERYTHING that is dirty or needed to be put away. I worked so hard to live where I am right now. If I walk away I will never get into another place in a good neighborhood that I can afford. And my past and lack of income will keep me from being accepted in another place. I don’t want to end up in a bad area with druggies and bad people. I could rent a room if I borrowed money built I don’t even know if I anyone will help me. My family is over it. I have been making excuses for him for a long time now. I think they are starting to think that I am the one with the problem
. My car is almost completely shut down. My partner abuses everything we own. He ignores everything I suggest to him. Everything I say is intended for his or my daughters own good. He use to listen and he when he did, good things would happen for him. Bottom line I want to do what is best for my daughter. I want to focus on raising her right. This is such a toxic environment I don’t want her to see and hear these things. I see her behavior changing. She sees him disrespect me everyday. He calls me crack head, trash, garbage, says I do nothing I am lazy, I’m old and ugly. Its not god. I wish I had more options. I live in Jupiter FL. Thanks. My email address is rizzorr @ hotmail .com Hope there’s some advice out there that can help. I see my life just flying by. As every holiday and birthdays go by, it is exhausting. There are major major arguments in those days I think he does it in purpose so he can stay home. How embarrassing that is for me. There’s no cohesive parenting. Anyway enough I have to stop thanks for reading. Please help!
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Julie - posted on 07/16/2011
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Please look up Patrica Evans and get out her books or read snippets on line about Abusive men..emotionall and verablly.. What part of the country are you in?I
Here`s a bit more about the non physical abuse that you might identify with.... will find some info to help you.
Below is not from P.Evans..but it also amkes you aware about how bad it can get and you are not the crazy one...
Another important book in understanding verbal abuse is one that describes the phenomenon of "crazymaking." George Bach and Ronald Deutsch wrote Stop! You're Driving Me Crazy.{2} They describe what the crazymaking experience feels like. This includes "feeling temporarily thrown off balance," "feeling lost and not knowing where to turn," and "being caught off guard."
A victim is often the target of angry outbursts, sarcasm, or cool indifference. The abuser's reaction to these actions is frequently cloaked in a "What's wrong with you?" attitude. She is accused of "making a mountain out of a molehill." Over time she loses her balance and equilibrium and begins to wonder if she is the one who is crazy.
The key to healing is to recognize verbal abuse for what it is and to begin to take deliberate steps to stop it and bring healing. Since the abuser is usually in denial, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse often rests with the partner.
Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
Now I would like to focus on some of the characteristics of verbal abuse as outlined in The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{3} 1. Verbal abuse is hurtful and usually attacks the nature and abilities of the partner. Over time, the partner may begin to believe that there is something wrong with her or her abilities. She may come to feel that she is the problem, rather than her partner.
2. Verbal abuse may be overt (through angry outbursts and name- calling) or covert (involving very subtle comments, even something that approaches brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory, and consequently confusing to the partner. Covert verbal abuse, which is hidden aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its aim is to control her without her knowing.
3. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling. Even disparaging comments may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way. But the goal is to control and manipulate.
4. Verbal abuse is insidious. The partner's self-esteem gradually diminishes, usually without her realizing it. She may consciously or unconsciously try to change her behavior so as not to upset the abuser.
5. Verbal abuse is unpredictable. In fact, unpredictability is one of the most significant characteristics of verbal abuse. The partner is stunned, shocked, and thrown off balance by her mate's sarcasm, angry jab, put-down, or hurtful comment.
6. Verbal abuse is not a side issue. It is the issue in the relationship. When a couple is having an argument about a real issue, the issue can be resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse, and this issue is not resolved. There is no closure.
7. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. There is incongruence between the way the abuser speaks and his real feelings. For example, he may sound very sincere and honest while he is telling his partner what is wrong with her.
8. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes. Later other forms might surface. Sometimes the verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse, starting with "accidental" shoves, pushes, and bumps.
These are a few characteristics of verbal abuse.
Categories of Verbal Abuse
The first category of verbal abuse is withholding. A marriage requires intimacy, and intimacy requires empathy. If one partner withholds information and feelings, then the marriage bond weakens. The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner denies her experience and leaves her isolated. The second is countering. This is the dominant response of the verbal abuser who sees his partner as an adversary. He is constantly countering and correcting everything she says and does. Internally he may even be thinking, "How dare she have a different view!"
Countering is very destructive to a relationship because it prevents the partner from knowing what her mate thinks about anything. Sometimes the verbal abuser will cut off discussion in mid-sentence before she can finish her thought. In many ways, he cannot even allow her to have her own thoughts.
A third category of verbal abuse is discounting. This is like taking a one hundred-dollar item and reducing its price to one cent. Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner and is extremely destructive. It can be a most insidious form of verbal abuse because it denies and distorts the partner's actual perception of the abuse.
Sometimes verbal abuse is disguised as jokes. Although his comments may masquerade as humor, they cut the partner to the quick. The verbal jabs may be delivered crassly or with great skill, but they all have the same effect of diminishing the partner and throwing her off balance.
A fifth form of verbal abuse is blocking and diverting. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed, or withholds information. He can prevent any possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting.
Accusing and blaming is another form. A verbal abuser will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing or some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship. This has the effect of diverting the conversation and putting the other partner on the defensive.
Another form of verbal abuse is judging and criticizing. The verbal abuser may judge his partner and then express his judgment in a critical way. If she objects, he may tell her that he is just pointing something out to be helpful, but in reality he is expressing his lack of acceptance of her.
Other Forms of Verbal Abuse
Trivializing can also be a form of verbal abuse. It is an attempt to take something that is said or done and make it insignificant. When this is done in a frank and sincere manner, it can be difficult to detect. Often the partner becomes confused and believes she hasn't effectively explained to her mate how important certain things are to her. Undermining is also verbal abuse. The abuser not only withholds emotional support, but also erodes confidence and determination. The abuser often will squelch an idea or suggestion just by a single comment.
Threatening is a classic form of verbal abuse. He manipulates his partner by bringing up her biggest fears. This may include threatening to leave or threatening to get a divorce. In some cases, the threat may be to escalate the abuse.
Name-calling can also be verbal abuse. Continually calling someone "stupid" because she isn't as intelligent as you or calling her a "klutz" because she is not as coordinated can have a devastating effect on the partner's self esteem.
Verbal abuse may also involve forgetting. This may involve both overt and covert manipulation. Everyone forgets things from time to time, but the verbal abuser consistently does so. After the partner collects herself, subsequent to being yelled at, she may confront her mate only to find that he has "forgotten" about the incident. Some abusers consistently forget about the promises they have made which are most important to their partners.
Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse. It denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders instead of asking, he treats her like a slave or subordinate.
Denial is the last category of verbal abuse. Although all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could read over this list of categories and insist that he is not abusive.
That is why it is so important for the partner to recognize these characteristics and categories since the abuser is usually in denial
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Whats going to be best for you and your daughter is for you to leave. Otherwise your daughter is going to grow up thinking its alright for a man to treat a woman like that, cant even call him a man men dont act like that. I dont understand why your against him being deported??? Especially if he treats you like that. Its hard to leave I know ive been there but you need to do it for your daughter if nothing else. And just from personal experiance... Im mexican and rarely (im married now) dated mexican men... there is a reason for that, they have no respect for women not the ones ive known in my life. You need to be more focused on doing right by your daughter than him being in trouble, screw that. Do you want your daughter to go through what you are? I wouldnt.
There are plently of government assistance programs you and your daughter could get on if your a single mom... it sounds like you'd be much better off that way anyway, I was. I understand why your family is over it, when you let it go on like you have it does come back to you, your enabling him to act this way, by not standing up for yourself and showing him your not gonna take it anymore you are only telling him to keep doing it because im going to let you. I dont mean to sound harsh or anything but you really need to get yourself and your child out of that situation, Im sorry your going through this but remember you DO have options... even if you dont like them, you have them. You need to show your daughter that no woman needs a man, especially if they are abusive. Do it for her. Hope you get through it.
Camie - posted on 09/01/2011
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Laura,
I am a domestic violence advocate and would advise you to call the toll-free Florida statewide hotline at 1-800-500-1119 to get information on the agency nearest you for help.
Everything you have described in your post reflects a very abusvie individual. An abuser blames everything that goes wrong on other people, circumstances, but mostly on YOU. They take no responsiblity for anything, which also makes them not accountable for their abusive behavior. It is very important that you get your child and yourself out of this situation and into a shelter and counseling. By staying, you are setting your daughter up for the same kind of relationship. Neither of you deserve this treatment. Things will NOT get better, so staying and hoping for a change is not realistic. You mention that you don't want your daughter to not have a dad, but she is being damaged by her relationship with her father as it is currently. Get her out. Hopefully he will get help and become the father she needs, but for now he is doing untold damage. Good luck!!
Tara - posted on 09/07/2011
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You need to leave...My step daughter is 13 and came to live with her father and I when she was 9. She lives with us because of the abuse of her moms boyfriend. We have a really hard time with her because of wht her moms boyfriend did to her mom(and still does). She has tried to kill herself thinking it would make her mom leave the abuser. We have her in therapy but they all feel she will not get better unless her mom get the abuser out of the life. Believe me you do NOT ant to see what the abuse will do to your child. Find a shelther and get your daughter out of there. Also most girls who grow up see mom abused will end up being abuse by the men they pick later in life. here are some places for you to call
HOUSE OF WISDOM RESTART CENTER 561-904-6906
1199 Lantana Rd, Lantana, FL 33462
26.0MI from Jupiter
HOUSING PARNTERSHIP INC 561-844-7511
2001 Blue Heron Blvd W, Riviera Beach, FL 33404
I hope you get the help you need for yourself and your child
Also try http://www.usattorneylegalservices.com/w...
Sharon - posted on 08/16/2011
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Yes GET OUT...I lost my sister to an abusive man and her children were left without parents because he is in jail and my sister is gone...it was very painful for her children and they want nothing to do with their dad...you do not want that for your daughter...to be without parents...I have been taking care of her children and one has graduated now and the other is just going into highschool and they are doing well...I saw the pain and suffering they went through and it is not worth it. I and my parents begged my sister to leave him and she wouldn't...she said she loved him. I really didnt think he was capable of killing her but he did...he seemed ok. Well now the kids are parentless and trying to make it without her...I want to warn you that you have to save yourself for yourself and for your daughter. My sister and I were also raised in a home where my father beat my mother all the time...so she thought it was ok for a woman to be treated like that. Either way...it is not good for you or your child. I ask you to really think about what you want for your daughter.