I want to leave my abusive partner, but dont know how??????

Julie - posted on 07/16/2011

Please look up Patrica Evans and get out her books or read snippets on line about Abusive men..emotionall and verablly.. What part of the country are you in?I



Here`s a bit more about the non physical abuse that you might identify with.... will find some info to help you.



Below is not from P.Evans..but it also amkes you aware about how bad it can get and you are not the crazy one...





Another important book in understanding verbal abuse is one that describes the phenomenon of "crazymaking." George Bach and Ronald Deutsch wrote Stop! You're Driving Me Crazy.{2} They describe what the crazymaking experience feels like. This includes "feeling temporarily thrown off balance," "feeling lost and not knowing where to turn," and "being caught off guard."

A victim is often the target of angry outbursts, sarcasm, or cool indifference. The abuser's reaction to these actions is frequently cloaked in a "What's wrong with you?" attitude. She is accused of "making a mountain out of a molehill." Over time she loses her balance and equilibrium and begins to wonder if she is the one who is crazy.

The key to healing is to recognize verbal abuse for what it is and to begin to take deliberate steps to stop it and bring healing. Since the abuser is usually in denial, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse often rests with the partner.



Characteristics of Verbal Abuse

Now I would like to focus on some of the characteristics of verbal abuse as outlined in The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{3} 1. Verbal abuse is hurtful and usually attacks the nature and abilities of the partner. Over time, the partner may begin to believe that there is something wrong with her or her abilities. She may come to feel that she is the problem, rather than her partner.

2. Verbal abuse may be overt (through angry outbursts and name- calling) or covert (involving very subtle comments, even something that approaches brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory, and consequently confusing to the partner. Covert verbal abuse, which is hidden aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its aim is to control her without her knowing.

3. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling. Even disparaging comments may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way. But the goal is to control and manipulate.

4. Verbal abuse is insidious. The partner's self-esteem gradually diminishes, usually without her realizing it. She may consciously or unconsciously try to change her behavior so as not to upset the abuser.

5. Verbal abuse is unpredictable. In fact, unpredictability is one of the most significant characteristics of verbal abuse. The partner is stunned, shocked, and thrown off balance by her mate's sarcasm, angry jab, put-down, or hurtful comment.

6. Verbal abuse is not a side issue. It is the issue in the relationship. When a couple is having an argument about a real issue, the issue can be resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse, and this issue is not resolved. There is no closure.

7. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. There is incongruence between the way the abuser speaks and his real feelings. For example, he may sound very sincere and honest while he is telling his partner what is wrong with her.

8. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes. Later other forms might surface. Sometimes the verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse, starting with "accidental" shoves, pushes, and bumps.

These are a few characteristics of verbal abuse.

Categories of Verbal Abuse

The first category of verbal abuse is withholding. A marriage requires intimacy, and intimacy requires empathy. If one partner withholds information and feelings, then the marriage bond weakens. The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner denies her experience and leaves her isolated. The second is countering. This is the dominant response of the verbal abuser who sees his partner as an adversary. He is constantly countering and correcting everything she says and does. Internally he may even be thinking, "How dare she have a different view!"

Countering is very destructive to a relationship because it prevents the partner from knowing what her mate thinks about anything. Sometimes the verbal abuser will cut off discussion in mid-sentence before she can finish her thought. In many ways, he cannot even allow her to have her own thoughts.

A third category of verbal abuse is discounting. This is like taking a one hundred-dollar item and reducing its price to one cent. Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner and is extremely destructive. It can be a most insidious form of verbal abuse because it denies and distorts the partner's actual perception of the abuse.

Sometimes verbal abuse is disguised as jokes. Although his comments may masquerade as humor, they cut the partner to the quick. The verbal jabs may be delivered crassly or with great skill, but they all have the same effect of diminishing the partner and throwing her off balance.

A fifth form of verbal abuse is blocking and diverting. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed, or withholds information. He can prevent any possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting.

Accusing and blaming is another form. A verbal abuser will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing or some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship. This has the effect of diverting the conversation and putting the other partner on the defensive.

Another form of verbal abuse is judging and criticizing. The verbal abuser may judge his partner and then express his judgment in a critical way. If she objects, he may tell her that he is just pointing something out to be helpful, but in reality he is expressing his lack of acceptance of her.





Other Forms of Verbal Abuse

Trivializing can also be a form of verbal abuse. It is an attempt to take something that is said or done and make it insignificant. When this is done in a frank and sincere manner, it can be difficult to detect. Often the partner becomes confused and believes she hasn't effectively explained to her mate how important certain things are to her. Undermining is also verbal abuse. The abuser not only withholds emotional support, but also erodes confidence and determination. The abuser often will squelch an idea or suggestion just by a single comment.

Threatening is a classic form of verbal abuse. He manipulates his partner by bringing up her biggest fears. This may include threatening to leave or threatening to get a divorce. In some cases, the threat may be to escalate the abuse.

Name-calling can also be verbal abuse. Continually calling someone "stupid" because she isn't as intelligent as you or calling her a "klutz" because she is not as coordinated can have a devastating effect on the partner's self esteem.

Verbal abuse may also involve forgetting. This may involve both overt and covert manipulation. Everyone forgets things from time to time, but the verbal abuser consistently does so. After the partner collects herself, subsequent to being yelled at, she may confront her mate only to find that he has "forgotten" about the incident. Some abusers consistently forget about the promises they have made which are most important to their partners.

Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse. It denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders instead of asking, he treats her like a slave or subordinate.

Denial is the last category of verbal abuse. Although all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could read over this list of categories and insist that he is not abusive.

That is why it is so important for the partner to recognize these characteristics and categories since the abuser is usually in denial

[deleted account]

Whats going to be best for you and your daughter is for you to leave. Otherwise your daughter is going to grow up thinking its alright for a man to treat a woman like that, cant even call him a man men dont act like that. I dont understand why your against him being deported??? Especially if he treats you like that. Its hard to leave I know ive been there but you need to do it for your daughter if nothing else. And just from personal experiance... Im mexican and rarely (im married now) dated mexican men... there is a reason for that, they have no respect for women not the ones ive known in my life. You need to be more focused on doing right by your daughter than him being in trouble, screw that. Do you want your daughter to go through what you are? I wouldnt.



There are plently of government assistance programs you and your daughter could get on if your a single mom... it sounds like you'd be much better off that way anyway, I was. I understand why your family is over it, when you let it go on like you have it does come back to you, your enabling him to act this way, by not standing up for yourself and showing him your not gonna take it anymore you are only telling him to keep doing it because im going to let you. I dont mean to sound harsh or anything but you really need to get yourself and your child out of that situation, Im sorry your going through this but remember you DO have options... even if you dont like them, you have them. You need to show your daughter that no woman needs a man, especially if they are abusive. Do it for her. Hope you get through it.

Camie - posted on 09/01/2011

Laura,
I am a domestic violence advocate and would advise you to call the toll-free Florida statewide hotline at 1-800-500-1119 to get information on the agency nearest you for help.
Everything you have described in your post reflects a very abusvie individual. An abuser blames everything that goes wrong on other people, circumstances, but mostly on YOU. They take no responsiblity for anything, which also makes them not accountable for their abusive behavior. It is very important that you get your child and yourself out of this situation and into a shelter and counseling. By staying, you are setting your daughter up for the same kind of relationship. Neither of you deserve this treatment. Things will NOT get better, so staying and hoping for a change is not realistic. You mention that you don't want your daughter to not have a dad, but she is being damaged by her relationship with her father as it is currently. Get her out. Hopefully he will get help and become the father she needs, but for now he is doing untold damage. Good luck!!

Tara - posted on 09/07/2011

You need to leave...My step daughter is 13 and came to live with her father and I when she was 9. She lives with us because of the abuse of her moms boyfriend. We have a really hard time with her because of wht her moms boyfriend did to her mom(and still does). She has tried to kill herself thinking it would make her mom leave the abuser. We have her in therapy but they all feel she will not get better unless her mom get the abuser out of the life. Believe me you do NOT ant to see what the abuse will do to your child. Find a shelther and get your daughter out of there. Also most girls who grow up see mom abused will end up being abuse by the men they pick later in life. here are some places for you to call
HOUSE OF WISDOM RESTART CENTER 561-904-6906
1199 Lantana Rd, Lantana, FL 33462
26.0MI from Jupiter
HOUSING PARNTERSHIP INC 561-844-7511
2001 Blue Heron Blvd W, Riviera Beach, FL 33404
I hope you get the help you need for yourself and your child
Also try http://www.usattorneylegalservices.com/w...

Sharon - posted on 08/16/2011

Yes GET OUT...I lost my sister to an abusive man and her children were left without parents because he is in jail and my sister is gone...it was very painful for her children and they want nothing to do with their dad...you do not want that for your daughter...to be without parents...I have been taking care of her children and one has graduated now and the other is just going into highschool and they are doing well...I saw the pain and suffering they went through and it is not worth it. I and my parents begged my sister to leave him and she wouldn't...she said she loved him. I really didnt think he was capable of killing her but he did...he seemed ok. Well now the kids are parentless and trying to make it without her...I want to warn you that you have to save yourself for yourself and for your daughter. My sister and I were also raised in a home where my father beat my mother all the time...so she thought it was ok for a woman to be treated like that. Either way...it is not good for you or your child. I ask you to really think about what you want for your daughter.

Julie - posted on 12/21/2011

Thought this might also help...

Is He/She a Narcissist? You're Not Crazy.

You may not know how to tell, but even worse, you may be thinking that you are the crazy one. Narcissists work hard to distort our reality to make their reality feel safer.

So what is a narcissist? Someone who preens in front of the mirror all day in admiration? NOT! Ask yourself this: is your partner intensely angered by anything that seems to suggest that he or she might have a flaw? Narcissists will do anything, including brutalizing their own family, to maintain their own feeling that others see them as without any flaws. And, narcissists have extreme and illogical sensitivities, sometimes connecting the most minute observations with their intense fears of being seen as flawed. Narcissists will strain every muscle to meet their own "flawless" image, and demean or destroy anyone or anything who casts any doubt on this image. If you see this dynamic in your partner, family member, coworker, or friend, you are very probably dealing with a narcissist.

You're not Crazy

For many of us, struggling to live with this kind of abusive partner, the first handhold we need to grasp is that we are not crazy. People who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder have extreme emotions, which lead them to actions that can range from puzzling to brutal. ( People with borderline personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder/sociopathy, or alcoholism also exhibit this trait.) Living with them is painful and confusing. Personality disorders are aptly named, because the minds of people who suffer from these disorders work differently than healthy people.

They Spin our Reality: Disordered people can't deal with the reality of their behaviors. On some level they realize how hurtful they are, yet accepting this major flaw in themselves is just too painful. So disordered abusers spin our reality to make theirs less painful. One of the most common defense mechanism they use is projection. In projection, a characteristic of themselves that they find just too painful to accept is projected onto us. And the most frequently projected characteristic is mental illness. "I'm not a narcissist. You're the crazy one." Another common and difficult defense mechanism is blame shifting. It's your fault this happened because blah, blah blah blah...

After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being projected and what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether we're the crazy ones, or whether our disordered SO's (significant others) are really right about what they say.

The truth is, THEY'RE NOT RIGHT. But they feel better when they can get us to carry the burden of their illness and their behavior.

What's more, disordered people hide their problems very effectively. People with all of these personality disorders - narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder - have serious maladjustments in coping with life. Thus, they live in emotional turmoil. They seek to present a very together appearance, hiding their disease from most people. It is only when we get into a close and private relationship with someone with these personality disorders that the abusive behavior comes out. And because their lives are wracked with emotional turmoil, there is a lot of pent-up emotion that can be focused on us. Yet those around us don't see it, causing us further confusion.

What is this Disease?

You can visit lots of web pages and read lists of criteria for narcissism. You can read about malignant narcissists, high functioning borderlines, you name it. With narcissism, you have the added confusion of all the mythological stories and analogies that people want to drag into the definition of this disease. After a while you're convinced your partner has every disorder under the sun. The reality is, this disease isn't that complicated.

People suffering from narcissistic personality disorder are driven by intense fear. They have a profound, unreasonable need to believe that others see the narcissist as being without any flaws, and narcissists respond with extreme defensive actions to events which threaten this belief. Moreover, events with no significance to healthy people may trigger these intense reactions. They expend tremendous energy to build and maintain a facade - a defensive shield behind with they feel safe. Narcissists are often perceived as fantastic, wonderful people, and their performance in work and community may justify this perception - from the standpoint of their actions. However, underlying this facade, narcissists are anguished, tortured and angry people who find no joy in life. In their private lives, narcissists can be brutally, unreasonably demanding.

Stop the Abuse

Dealing with this situation is complex, and people need some idea of "What do I do now that I know this?" The extreme emotions of narcissists lead them to abuse those close to them. Because abuse is so damaging to a relationship, significant decisions have to be faced, then resolved. For most people, there are important values, beliefs and obligations that have to be carefully thought about. Tears & Healing holds a light up in this dark place. Written from the inside perspective of someone who has been through the hell of being emotionally and verbally battered by a spouse, this book addresses the major issues that we all must wrestle with.

Tears & Healing begins with the most difficult issue: abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can't make decisions. It then addresses the process

Tears and Healing is another book that might help you...written By Richard Skerritt.... he has several others...Meaning from Madness is particulary good... but my favourite helper write has to be Patrica Evans who I posted about earlier..... will put up more soon. Glod Bless you and your family.

Julie - posted on 12/21/2011

Thought this migLiving with a Sociopath? You're not Crazy
Is your partner a sociopath? You may not know how to tell, but even worse, you may be thinking that you are the crazy one. Sociopaths' minds don't work like yours or mine, yet they feel perfectly confident about what they are doing. Something is clearly wrong, and we often question our own sanity.

So what is a sociopath? A serial killer that strolls from one victim to another? Possibly, but not often. Ask yourself this: is your partner unable to form any kind of emotional bond with another person? Does he or she seem to be always without empathy for others, even their own family? Does he or she do things that to you seem beyond comprehension; and then carry on as if those actions made no difference? Is he or she in trouble with the law and other authorities? Does he or she like dangerous, outrageous or socially/sexually unacceptable activities that provide a thrill? If you see this dynamic in your partner, family member, coworker, or friend, you are very probably dealing with a sociopath.

One thing you should not expect in a sociopath is intense emotion. Among the many people I help, some think their partner is sociopathic. but they recount that their partners are sometimes intensely angered by anything that seems to suggest that he or she might have a flaw. In this mode, they will do anything, including brutalizing their own family, to maintain their own feeling that others see them as without any flaws. This behavior is narcissistic, not sociopathic. Do you wonder if your partner is narcissistic? Try reading the companion page about narcissism.

You're not Crazy
For many of us, struggling to live with this kind of abusive partner, the first handhold we need to grasp is that we are not crazy. Sociopaths completely lack a range of emotions about other people, and this leads them to actions that can range from puzzling to brutal. (People with narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder, in contrast, have extreme and unpredictable emotions.) Living with a sociopath is painful and confusing. Personality disorders are aptly named, because the minds of people who suffer from these disorders work differently than healthy people.

It is only by understanding how you and your partner function, how his or her personality disorder affects his or her behavior, and how you interact, that you can begin to really judge what is happening. To figure out what you should do, you need to understand your own emotions and how to handle the decisions you face. Tears and Healing (up top) deals with your situation, while Meaning from Madness (on the right) explains a disordered partner. Both are written by a man who survived a violent relationship with a narcissistic/borderline/alcoholic wife and has been engaged helping others through these situations for the past 6 years.

They Spin our Reality: Disordered people can't deal with the reality of their behaviors. Sociopaths distort the truth to serve their own diseased motivations (In contrast borderlines and narcissists distort reality to protect themselves from the pain of accepting a major flaw in themselves.) Sociopaths lie without compunction to achieve their goals. Moreover, they have no concern for our well-being, and happily manipulated circumstances so that we suffer for their actions.

After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether we're the crazy ones, or whether our disordered SO's (significant others) are really right about what they say.

The truth is, THEY'RE NOT RIGHT. But as sociopaths, they just don't care.

What's more, disordered people hide their problems very effectively. Sociopaths are intensely manipulative. Their emotionally empty lives lead them to spend their energy creating distortions to serve their needs. They may develop a strong reputation as good people, yet in private they may be intensely hurtful. But those around us don't see it, causing us further confusion.

What is this Disease?
Like all the personality disorders, sociopathy (technically called antisocial personality disorder) is defined by a list of behaviors. Clinicians use these to diagnose the illness, but I find that most people are more confused than helped by these. But sociopathy can be defined fairly simply: sociopaths lack a sense of connection and concern toward other people; they have no conscience or compassion. And unlike other personality disorders that are more like crossed wires in the brain that cause the mind to go haywire, sociopathy is more of a complete failure in part of the brain.

A sociopath doesn't exhibit the volatile extreme, emotions that a narcissist or borderline does. Instead they are calculating, manipulative, and utterly unmoved by the feelings or well-being of others. As such, they are inclined to dismiss societal boundaries and often break the law. Moreover, this failure in a part of their mind doesn't just limit their feelings of concern for others. It also seems to limit their ability to feel fulfilled by relationships with other people. This leaves an emotional vacuum which they continue to try to fill with risky or unacceptable behaviors. And because of their lack of concern for others, they will readily drag others along on their adventures.

Because people with this disease are manipulating and purposeful in seeking their own fulfillment at the expense of others, it can be a difficult disease to diagnose. I often talk with people who think their spouse or significant other is sociopathic. Often, a mental health professional has suggested this possibility. However, most of the troubling behavior that I hear attributed to these people is more what I would consider narcissistic than sociopathic. That is, the behavior comes from extreme emotion triggered by fear, rather than the cold calculation or thrill seeking expected from a sociopath.

Unlike borderlines or narcissists who have periods of remorse, deep regret and shame for their extreme behavior, sociopaths don't ever care how others are impacted. During periods of extreme agitation, borderlines and narcissists are consumed by the intensity of their fears, and their actions show no empathy or concern. Like people panicked and trying to escape a burning theater, they trample others without care. For this reason, people may think them to be sociopathic. The difference is that narcissists and borderlines at other times will feel regret, remorse, and compassion. Sociopaths will never feel these feelings. For sociopaths, these functions of the brain simply seem to be gone.

Sociopaths are not troubled by their disconnect from others or from societal norms. They don't perceive a problem, and so they reject the idea that they are ill. Thus, the few sociopaths who do enter mental health treatment almost all lack the primary characteristic necessary for improvement: a commitment to change. They reject the treatment process and disengage. Prospects for improvement in true sociopaths are not good.

Stop the Abuse
Dealing with this situation is complex, and people need some idea of "What do I do now that I know this?" For most people, there are important values, beliefs and obligations that have to be carefully thought about. It is impossible to build a fulfilling life with a sociopath, all the while we suffer from their callous willingness to hurt us to fill their own needs. Thus, once we realize we're in a relationship with a sociopath, significant decisions have to be faced, then resolved. Tears & Healing holds a light up in this dark place. Written from the inside perspective of someone who has been through the hell of being emotionally and verbally battered by a spouse, this book addresses the major issues that we all must wrestle with.

Tears & Healing begins with the most difficult issue: abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can't make decisions. It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives - needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations. It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us. And it addresses the intense feelings of obligation that many of us have, which keep us locked in situations that are beyond what any person should endure. Tears & Healing is an intensely personal and validating guide through this maze of thoughts and emotions. The reader reviews below can give you some sense of how liberating Tears & Healing has been for many, many people.

Sociopaths are manipulative, and can use a facade of ideal behavior to lure us into relationships with them. Their behavior may seem even perfect, and it's understandable that we could fall in love with them. Later, when the relationship is cemented by marriage or children, the facade drops and the brutal reality emerges. Yet, we may still have strong feelings of love drawing us to the person.

Dealing with this bind is a huge barrier for many. My book, In Love and Loving It - Or Not! , addresses these issues. It explains how and why we fall in love; what we can do to get out of love with someone hurtful to us; how we can make choices so we are more likely to fall in love with someone good for us; and how being in love relates to the different, chosen actions of loving. Many of the people I help to deal with their abusive situations need this kind of guidance.

ht be helpful will post more too..
Is He/She a Narcissist? You're Not Crazy.
You may not know how to tell, but even worse, you may be thinking that you are the crazy one. Narcissists work hard to distort our reality to make their reality feel safer.
So what is a narcissist? Someone who preens in front of the mirror all day in admiration? NOT! Ask yourself this: is your partner intensely angered by anything that seems to suggest that he or she might have a flaw? Narcissists will do anything, including brutalizing their own family, to maintain their own feeling that others see them as without any flaws. And, narcissists have extreme and illogical sensitivities, sometimes connecting the most minute observations with their intense fears of being seen as flawed. Narcissists will strain every muscle to meet their own "flawless" image, and demean or destroy anyone or anything who casts any doubt on this image. If you see this dynamic in your partner, family member, coworker, or friend, you are very probably dealing with a narcissist.
You're not Crazy
For many of us, struggling to live with this kind of abusive partner, the first handhold we need to grasp is that we are not crazy. People who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder have extreme emotions, which lead them to actions that can range from puzzling to brutal. ( People with borderline personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder/sociopathy, or alcoholism also exhibit this trait.) Living with them is painful and confusing. Personality disorders are aptly named, because the minds of people who suffer from these disorders work differently than healthy people.
They Spin our Reality: Disordered people can't deal with the reality of their behaviors. On some level they realize how hurtful they are, yet accepting this major flaw in themselves is just too painful. So disordered abusers spin our reality to make theirs less painful. One of the most common defense mechanism they use is projection. In projection, a characteristic of themselves that they find just too painful to accept is projected onto us. And the most frequently projected characteristic is mental illness. "I'm not a narcissist. You're the crazy one." Another common and difficult defense mechanism is blame shifting. It's your fault this happened because blah, blah blah blah...
After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being projected and what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether we're the crazy ones, or whether our disordered SO's (significant others) are really right about what they say.
The truth is, THEY'RE NOT RIGHT. But they feel better when they can get us to carry the burden of their illness and their behavior.
What's more, disordered people hide their problems very effectively. People with all of these personality disorders - narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder - have serious maladjustments in coping with life. Thus, they live in emotional turmoil. They seek to present a very together appearance, hiding their disease from most people. It is only when we get into a close and private relationship with someone with these personality disorders that the abusive behavior comes out. And because their lives are wracked with emotional turmoil, there is a lot of pent-up emotion that can be focused on us. Yet those around us don't see it, causing us further confusion.
What is this Disease?
You can visit lots of web pages and read lists of criteria for narcissism. You can read about malignant narcissists, high functioning borderlines, you name it. With narcissism, you have the added confusion of all the mythological stories and analogies that people want to drag into the definition of this disease. After a while you're convinced your partner has every disorder under the sun. The reality is, this disease isn't that complicated.
People suffering from narcissistic personality disorder are driven by intense fear. They have a profound, unreasonable need to believe that others see the narcissist as being without any flaws, and narcissists respond with extreme defensive actions to events which threaten this belief. Moreover, events with no significance to healthy people may trigger these intense reactions. They expend tremendous energy to build and maintain a facade - a defensive shield behind with they feel safe. Narcissists are often perceived as fantastic, wonderful people, and their performance in work and community may justify this perception - from the standpoint of their actions. However, underlying this facade, narcissists are anguished, tortured and angry people who find no joy in life. In their private lives, narcissists can be brutally, unreasonably demanding.
Stop the Abuse
Dealing with this situation is complex, and people need some idea of "What do I do now that I know this?" The extreme emotions of narcissists lead them to abuse those close to them. Because abuse is so damaging to a relationship, significant decisions have to be faced, then resolved. For most people, there are important values, beliefs and obligations that have to be carefully thought about. Tears & Healing holds a light up in this dark place. Written from the inside perspective of someone who has been through the hell of being emotionally and verbally battered by a spouse, this book addresses the major issues that we all must wrestle with.
Tears & Healing begins with the most difficult issue: abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can't make decisions. It then addresses the process

Julie - posted on 12/21/2011

Living with a Sociopath? You're not Crazy
Is your partner a sociopath? You may not know how to tell, but even worse, you may be thinking that you are the crazy one. Sociopaths' minds don't work like yours or mine, yet they feel perfectly confident about what they are doing. Something is clearly wrong, and we often question our own sanity.

So what is a sociopath? A serial killer that strolls from one victim to another? Possibly, but not often. Ask yourself this: is your partner unable to form any kind of emotional bond with another person? Does he or she seem to be always without empathy for others, even their own family? Does he or she do things that to you seem beyond comprehension; and then carry on as if those actions made no difference? Is he or she in trouble with the law and other authorities? Does he or she like dangerous, outrageous or socially/sexually unacceptable activities that provide a thrill? If you see this dynamic in your partner, family member, coworker, or friend, you are very probably dealing with a sociopath.

One thing you should not expect in a sociopath is intense emotion. Among the many people I help, some think their partner is sociopathic. but they recount that their partners are sometimes intensely angered by anything that seems to suggest that he or she might have a flaw. In this mode, they will do anything, including brutalizing their own family, to maintain their own feeling that others see them as without any flaws. This behavior is narcissistic, not sociopathic. Do you wonder if your partner is narcissistic? Try reading the companion page about narcissism.

You're not Crazy
For many of us, struggling to live with this kind of abusive partner, the first handhold we need to grasp is that we are not crazy. Sociopaths completely lack a range of emotions about other people, and this leads them to actions that can range from puzzling to brutal. (People with narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder, in contrast, have extreme and unpredictable emotions.) Living with a sociopath is painful and confusing. Personality disorders are aptly named, because the minds of people who suffer from these disorders work differently than healthy people.

It is only by understanding how you and your partner function, how his or her personality disorder affects his or her behavior, and how you interact, that you can begin to really judge what is happening. To figure out what you should do, you need to understand your own emotions and how to handle the decisions you face. Tears and Healing (up top) deals with your situation, while Meaning from Madness (on the right) explains a disordered partner. Both are written by a man who survived a violent relationship with a narcissistic/borderline/alcoholic wife and has been engaged helping others through these situations for the past 6 years.

They Spin our Reality: Disordered people can't deal with the reality of their behaviors. Sociopaths distort the truth to serve their own diseased motivations (In contrast borderlines and narcissists distort reality to protect themselves from the pain of accepting a major flaw in themselves.) Sociopaths lie without compunction to achieve their goals. Moreover, they have no concern for our well-being, and happily manipulated circumstances so that we suffer for their actions.

After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether we're the crazy ones, or whether our disordered SO's (significant others) are really right about what they say.

The truth is, THEY'RE NOT RIGHT. But as sociopaths, they just don't care.

What's more, disordered people hide their problems very effectively. Sociopaths are intensely manipulative. Their emotionally empty lives lead them to spend their energy creating distortions to serve their needs. They may develop a strong reputation as good people, yet in private they may be intensely hurtful. But those around us don't see it, causing us further confusion.

What is this Disease?
Like all the personality disorders, sociopathy (technically called antisocial personality disorder) is defined by a list of behaviors. Clinicians use these to diagnose the illness, but I find that most people are more confused than helped by these. But sociopathy can be defined fairly simply: sociopaths lack a sense of connection and concern toward other people; they have no conscience or compassion. And unlike other personality disorders that are more like crossed wires in the brain that cause the mind to go haywire, sociopathy is more of a complete failure in part of the brain.

A sociopath doesn't exhibit the volatile extreme, emotions that a narcissist or borderline does. Instead they are calculating, manipulative, and utterly unmoved by the feelings or well-being of others. As such, they are inclined to dismiss societal boundaries and often break the law. Moreover, this failure in a part of their mind doesn't just limit their feelings of concern for others. It also seems to limit their ability to feel fulfilled by relationships with other people. This leaves an emotional vacuum which they continue to try to fill with risky or unacceptable behaviors. And because of their lack of concern for others, they will readily drag others along on their adventures.

Because people with this disease are manipulating and purposeful in seeking their own fulfillment at the expense of others, it can be a difficult disease to diagnose. I often talk with people who think their spouse or significant other is sociopathic. Often, a mental health professional has suggested this possibility. However, most of the troubling behavior that I hear attributed to these people is more what I would consider narcissistic than sociopathic. That is, the behavior comes from extreme emotion triggered by fear, rather than the cold calculation or thrill seeking expected from a sociopath.

Unlike borderlines or narcissists who have periods of remorse, deep regret and shame for their extreme behavior, sociopaths don't ever care how others are impacted. During periods of extreme agitation, borderlines and narcissists are consumed by the intensity of their fears, and their actions show no empathy or concern. Like people panicked and trying to escape a burning theater, they trample others without care. For this reason, people may think them to be sociopathic. The difference is that narcissists and borderlines at other times will feel regret, remorse, and compassion. Sociopaths will never feel these feelings. For sociopaths, these functions of the brain simply seem to be gone.

Sociopaths are not troubled by their disconnect from others or from societal norms. They don't perceive a problem, and so they reject the idea that they are ill. Thus, the few sociopaths who do enter mental health treatment almost all lack the primary characteristic necessary for improvement: a commitment to change. They reject the treatment process and disengage. Prospects for improvement in true sociopaths are not good.

Stop the Abuse
Dealing with this situation is complex, and people need some idea of "What do I do now that I know this?" For most people, there are important values, beliefs and obligations that have to be carefully thought about. It is impossible to build a fulfilling life with a sociopath, all the while we suffer from their callous willingness to hurt us to fill their own needs. Thus, once we realize we're in a relationship with a sociopath, significant decisions have to be faced, then resolved. Tears & Healing holds a light up in this dark place. Written from the inside perspective of someone who has been through the hell of being emotionally and verbally battered by a spouse, this book addresses the major issues that we all must wrestle with.

Tears & Healing begins with the most difficult issue: abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can't make decisions. It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives - needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations. It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us. And it addresses the intense feelings of obligation that many of us have, which keep us locked in situations that are beyond what any person should endure. Tears & Healing is an intensely personal and validating guide through this maze of thoughts and emotions. The reader reviews below can give you some sense of how liberating Tears & Healing has been for many, many people.

Sociopaths are manipulative, and can use a facade of ideal behavior to lure us into relationships with them. Their behavior may seem even perfect, and it's understandable that we could fall in love with them. Later, when the relationship is cemented by marriage or children, the facade drops and the brutal reality emerges. Yet, we may still have strong feelings of love drawing us to the person.

Dealing with this bind is a huge barrier for many. My book, In Love and Loving It - Or Not! , addresses these issues. It explains how and why we fall in love; what we can do to get out of love with someone hurtful to us; how we can make choices so we are more likely to fall in love with someone good for us; and how being in love relates to the different, chosen actions of loving. Many of the people I help to deal with their abusive situations need this kind of guidance.

Living with a Sociopath? You're not Crazy
Is your partner a sociopath? You may not know how to tell, but even worse, you may be thinking that you are the crazy one. Sociopaths' minds don't work like yours or mine, yet they feel perfectly confident about what they are doing. Something is clearly wrong, and we often question our own sanity.

So what is a sociopath? A serial killer that strolls from one victim to another? Possibly, but not often. Ask yourself this: is your partner unable to form any kind of emotional bond with another person? Does he or she seem to be always without empathy for others, even their own family? Does he or she do things that to you seem beyond comprehension; and then carry on as if those actions made no difference? Is he or she in trouble with the law and other authorities? Does he or she like dangerous, outrageous or socially/sexually unacceptable activities that provide a thrill? If you see this dynamic in your partner, family member, coworker, or friend, you are very probably dealing with a sociopath.

One thing you should not expect in a sociopath is intense emotion. Among the many people I help, some think their partner is sociopathic. but they recount that their partners are sometimes intensely angered by anything that seems to suggest that he or she might have a flaw. In this mode, they will do anything, including brutalizing their own family, to maintain their own feeling that others see them as without any flaws. This behavior is narcissistic, not sociopathic. Do you wonder if your partner is narcissistic? Try reading the companion page about narcissism.

You're not Crazy
For many of us, struggling to live with this kind of abusive partner, the first handhold we need to grasp is that we are not crazy. Sociopaths completely lack a range of emotions about other people, and this leads them to actions that can range from puzzling to brutal. (People with narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder, in contrast, have extreme and unpredictable emotions.) Living with a sociopath is painful and confusing. Personality disorders are aptly named, because the minds of people who suffer from these disorders work differently than healthy people.

It is only by understanding how you and your partner function, how his or her personality disorder affects his or her behavior, and how you interact, that you can begin to really judge what is happening. To figure out what you should do, you need to understand your own emotions and how to handle the decisions you face. Tears and Healing (up top) deals with your situation, while Meaning from Madness (on the right) explains a disordered partner. Both are written by a man who survived a violent relationship with a narcissistic/borderline/alcoholic wife and has been engaged helping others through these situations for the past 6 years.

They Spin our Reality: Disordered people can't deal with the reality of their behaviors. Sociopaths distort the truth to serve their own diseased motivations (In contrast borderlines and narcissists distort reality to protect themselves from the pain of accepting a major flaw in themselves.) Sociopaths lie without compunction to achieve their goals. Moreover, they have no concern for our well-being, and happily manipulated circumstances so that we suffer for their actions.

After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether we're the crazy ones, or whether our disordered SO's (significant others) are really right about what they say.

The truth is, THEY'RE NOT RIGHT. But as sociopaths, they just don't care.

What's more, disordered people hide their problems very effectively. Sociopaths are intensely manipulative. Their emotionally empty lives lead them to spend their energy creating distortions to serve their needs. They may develop a strong reputation as good people, yet in private they may be intensely hurtful. But those around us don't see it, causing us further confusion.

What is this Disease?
Like all the personality disorders, sociopathy (technically called antisocial personality disorder) is defined by a list of behaviors. Clinicians use these to diagnose the illness, but I find that most people are more confused than helped by these. But sociopathy can be defined fairly simply: sociopaths lack a sense of connection and concern toward other people; they have no conscience or compassion. And unlike other personality disorders that are more like crossed wires in the brain that cause the mind to go haywire, sociopathy is more of a complete failure in part of the brain.

A sociopath doesn't exhibit the volatile extreme, emotions that a narcissist or borderline does. Instead they are calculating, manipulative, and utterly unmoved by the feelings or well-being of others. As such, they are inclined to dismiss societal boundaries and often break the law. Moreover, this failure in a part of their mind doesn't just limit their feelings of concern for others. It also seems to limit their ability to feel fulfilled by relationships with other people. This leaves an emotional vacuum which they continue to try to fill with risky or unacceptable behaviors. And because of their lack of concern for others, they will readily drag others along on their adventures.

Because people with this disease are manipulating and purposeful in seeking their own fulfillment at the expense of others, it can be a difficult disease to diagnose. I often talk with people who think their spouse or significant other is sociopathic. Often, a mental health professional has suggested this possibility. However, most of the troubling behavior that I hear attributed to these people is more what I would consider narcissistic than sociopathic. That is, the behavior comes from extreme emotion triggered by fear, rather than the cold calculation or thrill seeking expected from a sociopath.

Unlike borderlines or narcissists who have periods of remorse, deep regret and shame for their extreme behavior, sociopaths don't ever care how others are impacted. During periods of extreme agitation, borderlines and narcissists are consumed by the intensity of their fears, and their actions show no empathy or concern. Like people panicked and trying to escape a burning theater, they trample others without care. For this reason, people may think them to be sociopathic. The difference is that narcissists and borderlines at other times will feel regret, remorse, and compassion. Sociopaths will never feel these feelings. For sociopaths, these functions of the brain simply seem to be gone.

Sociopaths are not troubled by their disconnect from others or from societal norms. They don't perceive a problem, and so they reject the idea that they are ill. Thus, the few sociopaths who do enter mental health treatment almost all lack the primary characteristic necessary for improvement: a commitment to change. They reject the treatment process and disengage. Prospects for improvement in true sociopaths are not good.

Stop the Abuse
Dealing with this situation is complex, and people need some idea of "What do I do now that I know this?" For most people, there are important values, beliefs and obligations that have to be carefully thought about. It is impossible to build a fulfilling life with a sociopath, all the while we suffer from their callous willingness to hurt us to fill their own needs. Thus, once we realize we're in a relationship with a sociopath, significant decisions have to be faced, then resolved. Tears & Healing holds a light up in this dark place. Written from the inside perspective of someone who has been through the hell of being emotionally and verbally battered by a spouse, this book addresses the major issues that we all must wrestle with.

Tears & Healing begins with the most difficult issue: abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can't make decisions. It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives - needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations. It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us. And it addresses the intense feelings of obligation that many of us have, which keep us locked in situations that are beyond what any person should endure. Tears & Healing is an intensely personal and validating guide through this maze of thoughts and emotions. The reader reviews below can give you some sense of how liberating Tears & Healing has been for many, many people.

Sociopaths are manipulative, and can use a facade of ideal behavior to lure us into relationships with them. Their behavior may seem even perfect, and it's understandable that we could fall in love with them. Later, when the relationship is cemented by marriage or children, the facade drops and the brutal reality emerges. Yet, we may still have strong feelings of love drawing us to the person.

Dealing with this bind is a huge barrier for many. My book, In Love and Loving It - Or Not! , addresses these issues. It explains how and why we fall in love; what we can do to get out of love with someone hurtful to us; how we can make choices so we are more likely to fall in love with someone good for us; and how being in love relates to the different, chosen actions of loving. Many of the people I help to deal with their abusive situations need this kind of guidance.

Vegemite - posted on 12/21/2011

Well my sister had her boyfriend bashed and put into hospital. She moved interstate and changed her name....just saying. I'd do it if I had to.

Donna - posted on 12/19/2011

Hi Laura,
Here's what I would do:
1. I'd tell him he has 10 days to get out.
2. I'd go get an order of protection - it takes about 10 days to do. Go with a friend who knows whats going on. Leave your daughter with a relative, or home.
3. I'd ask a Male relative (brother, father, uncle) to move in with me temporarily (after he's gone).
Don't say another word to him about it. (He will not beleive you anyway) Turn a deaf ear to his abusive language -- and do NOT TELL HIM ABOUT YOUR PLAN.
4. The day the order of protection is to be served, exit the house all day (go visit your family - let them know this is happening) while the sherif kicks him out.
5. After he is gone from the house, have all the locks changed. Have 911 and the precinct's phone number on speed dial.
Do not feel sorry for him. He is a strong young man (24) with 2 arms and 2 legs and 2 eyes and a brain - all in good working order - and he is taking advantage of you! - Don't be a sap! He will do fine on his own, and will figure it out. On the other hand, you are right to hold on to your house! Why should you leave when you put so much into making it a home? Make up your mind, and be strong! You deserve your house, you deserve your daughter, and you deserve a Happy and Peaceful Life!!!! You do not deserve to have a negative person dragging you down and emotionally beating up on you. You have to KNOW WHO YOU ARE no matter what he says. And recognize who he is too. All the best.

Maryanne - posted on 10/10/2011

I have also dealt with an abusive partner years ago, if there are kids involved it is hard, don't make the wrong choice to stay in the relationship for the kids sake , as I did many yrs ago, I made the choice in 1996 to get the f"k out of the realtionship, do it for your kids sake and for yourself, they won't change, even if they say they will change, they never do, its a cycle thing with these abusive men, make plans to get out, get your friends to help you, find a tempory place to live with a friend or get an intervention order on him to get him out of your house, don't hesitate, get the Police involved, get Doctors and hospital proof that he has beaten you or hurt you, that it will stick on him, no one should put up with that Bullsh't, no one deserves to be abused! I am on maz_1960 @msn.com

From: Maryanne

Bev - posted on 10/10/2011

So, you really want your daughter to grow up thinking this is the right way to treat women (for her to be treated?) and this is how a man/woman relationship is supposed to be? Calling the authorites does not deprive her of a father....it shows her you have respect for yourself and for her...remember you can't change another person, only yourself.......I left my abuser with two babies over 18 years ago.....I gather you are not married but you need to get legal custody or he can take her and there is nothing you can do......good luck!

Bev - posted on 10/10/2011

So, you really want your daughter to grow up thinking this is the right way to treat women (for her to be treated?) and this is how a man/woman relationship is supposed to be? Calling the authorites does not deprive her of a father....it shows her you have respect for yourself and for her...remember you can't change another person, only yourself.......I left my abuser with two babies over 18 years ago.....I gather you are not married but you need to get legal custody or he can take her and there is nothing you can do......good luck!

Denise - posted on 10/07/2011

Over the next couple of weeks take the liberty to start discarding the things you don't need. Without him noticing of course! Pack your clothes on the day he goes to work and bolt. Go get a hair cut dye it the opposite of what it is now, change your freaking name if he's that abusive and get the hell out of the state. Trust me there are plenty of people and resources out there for you and your children, never think that you'll be turned down. You explain what your current situation is and trust me even child protective services will be willing to give you hands down a 100% help. You will thank yourself and so will your children. Being in an abusive relationship will take you to the grave dear. Run!

Lynda - posted on 10/05/2011

I agree with Jodi - get out now! Your child needs a mother as well and if he hurts you then what will happen to your daughter. He deserves to be deported - do you really want to have an abuser in your country (I am from Australia). Go to the authorities and get help. Will be thinking and praying for you.

Jodi - posted on 10/03/2011

Honey, first of all, I agree with every one of the post I have read and everyone is saying the same thing... being a child of a abusive father (never touched me just my mom) I remember going into the bedroom, or where ever my mom was to comfort her... I remember asking her every time, "Mom was does daddy hit you all the time?" She always blamed herself for it. She would say, "Mommy messed up and made daddy mad, it's my fault." She finally left him when I was 5, and they were divorced by the time I was 6. My step-dad is my dad, I never let anyone after that hurt my mom. I know you said you have a past... everybody does yes some worse than others... but you have a reason to stay in good standings, a 3 yr old reason.... as a mother you to need to protect her as much as you can.... even if it is from HER DAD!!! I understand that you dont want to raise her with out a father... but think about what are you risking doing that... Please understand I'm not trying to be a bitch about this but you have to think of you and your daughters safety. So your family has givin up on you... go to them anyway and tell them you need help, you need their help to help keep you and your daughter safe.... but the key thing here is... YOU CAN'T GO BACK TO HIM NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS... ITS NOT GONNA CHANGE!!! I'm sorry if I sound "like your mother" telling you what you need to do, but you HAVE to think about your daughter's life and how bad it can be for her to see this... she will find the exact "man" that she grew up with... A real man loves his wife/girlfriend and their children and will keep them outa harms way not matter what! Again sorry if I sound like a bitch but I am saying this from experience... Please go to your local shelter or to your family and get that help and take care of you and your daughter... you and her are all that matter.... stay safe... I pray that you make the right decision... and remember.... when/if you leave, take your children with you and dont look back.... god bless you....

SARAH - posted on 10/02/2011

Go to a nearby shelter for a little while and take your children with you. Then ask for help. You have no reason to accept this treatment. Take your children, bills, precious items, what have you, and go. Do it now. I am praying for you. You may also want to call 211 to find out where you can go right away. There are shelters for battered women. Contact me if you want to. aiyda1@yahoo.com

Mariah - posted on 09/29/2011

Run, don't walk away from this boy! His emotional abuse could turn violent at any moment and you'll have no idea it's coming. Your daughter deserves a better male role model than that and would be better off without one at all than to keep this one around.

Get in touch with a local shelter and make plans to leave. Do not delay hoping that he will "grow up". Do not stay because you don't feel that you will be able to get back to the societal level you have achieved. It may take longer than you would like or you may not get back to that exact level, but anything is better than remaining in an abusive relationship. The shelter can help you with finding work and exploring educational opportunities.

As you've said yourself, his behavior is already affecting your daughter's development. It's been said that the first 5 years are the most critical years. Do you really want him to have a lasting impact on her? Do you want your daughter to end up with someone like him? I'm pretty sure your answer to both of those questions is "Hell no!"

Eva-Lotta - posted on 09/28/2011

I'm from Australia so I'm not sure how it works in your end of the world but I would recommend to talk to your local police who should be able to put you in touch with womens shelters and groups who deal with this sort of thing. they will be able to help you with where to go for accommodation, support, and all sorts of help. I was in an abusive relationship when I was very young and didn't have any contact with my parents for about 2 years (I was 17) and one day I just had enough left everything and ran to a phonebooth and called my mum. She dropped everything at work and came drove teh 45 minutes and picked me up. I hope that if you sit down and talk to your family they will do everything in their power to help you, if not for you then at least for your daughters sake!
It is hard and it is nerv wrecking to do it but it is sooo worth it in the long run! You are worth so much more and your daughter will understad when she gets older and she will love you and thank you one day if you allow her to grow up in a happy environment with a happy mother! I wish you all the best!!! Stay strong! :)

Serena - posted on 09/26/2011

Its good that u are not bottling this up and are actively seeking help. You will find your solution, Nobody can tell you what to do . You are going throgh a hard time I think you guys will work this out. Remeber your Baby is number one , Stay Calm and If you cant support the Man (even tho he is in the wrong) You should choose to walk away. I have been in a similar place in my past and If I made my mind up earlier I would have avoided a good 5 years of pain. *Hugs* Hope it all works out for u, feel free to add me as friend if u want to chat :) PS I had to get help first (Only bcos if u are being called those names often and physically assulted even if it is just an egg...even without realising it It subconciously damages you and your self esteem as well as your child) Focus on your own stability so you can be that Rock for the ppl you obviously love so much x

[deleted account]

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). They will help you. I am posting here because, I don't know if he checks your email (or is tracking it somehow).

SARAH - posted on 09/26/2011

I think you need to leave for a bit. Go stay with a family member with your daughter if that is possible. Call him in a few days and tell him you're not going to take any more of his abusive behavior, be it verbal or physical, and demand he get help. In the meantime, it might be a good idea to find this therapist for him, and you, too, could also benefit from their knowledge and ideas. You may have to learn how to live without him present for quite some time.

Penny - posted on 09/26/2011

It sounds like you definitely need to leave. You said that you could make him leave if you called the police. You won't because you don't want him to get deported. It's hard to see, but this is putting the needs of the abuser above the needs of the family. This sounds like you have trouble with codependency. (I only know this because I am recovering from codependency myself.) I would suggest that you get into counseling now. Then, as you get stronger, you will have the strength to get out of this situation.

Elizabeth - posted on 09/26/2011

Go to a firehouse and they will get you to a safe house where you can heal and move on.

Marshon - posted on 09/25/2011

If you really want to get out the best thing is to go to your local police department and have them get you into a shelter. From there they can help you relocate and get what ever assistance you need be it financial, emotional or what ever.

Veronica - posted on 09/25/2011

A bit of tough love: getting away from this "man" (sorry, but it's in quotes for a reason) is the best gift you can give your daughter. I myself don't care how depressed he is. EVERY-one is in financial dire situations nowadays, myself included. My husband himself is depressed, but never, ever, ever would he be abusive to me. He's a good man who tries his hardest. And the fact that you've had such terrible health issues makes me wanna come down and give this guy what-for. Let him hit ME, see what happens after that.

But enough of that--if your daughter grows up in a household where her mother is abused on every angle, the likelihood that she, too, will be attracted to guys who beat on her jumps up a few hundred notches. She'll learn that her being abused is acceptable from the examples she'd been given, and the circle of hurt continues. I know I'm not being "sweet" about this, but growing up, I always figured that if a boyfriend of mine hit me, they'd get it back ten-fold. You absolutely NEED to tell yourself that no one deserves what you're getting, that it's bulls*&t, how dare he act that way, etc. Get tough, because you're going to need to be strong about this. I hope you manage to get enough pride and faith in yourself to realize you're better than all this.

Casey - posted on 09/24/2011

Contact your local police.....they can put you in touch with a local victim's advocate, who will help you with all of the legal ramifications of leaving. But you MUST get yourself and your child OUT....as quickly as possible. Yes, it is a frightening thing, and yes....he will cry and beg for your forgiveness....he will say all the right things, make all the promises in the world, but believe me darling....they are LIES. If he truly desires change, he will show it over a period of months and years. But you MUST protect yourself and your child NOW. Get OUT, get HELP. Do it TODAY.

Penny - posted on 09/24/2011

You have read the posts from all these women and they are bascially all saying the same thing.... run and don't look back. You only have one life to live.... and you already know the answer within yourself. Soon you will be back on your feet and living a new happy life. Peace and good luck.

Diana - posted on 09/24/2011

OMG Been there, done that, got the tee shirt! I'm crying reading your post!
I put up with it for the sake of the children, and because I was scared to leave / kick him out (he wouldn't have gone)
IN retrospect, I wish I had done something years ago when my 5 kids were younger. The effect on my son was devastating, not because his dad left, but because he was such a negative role model that he's afraid he'll be like that if he gets married. My daughters have all told me that they're glad their dad doesn't live with us anymore because he was such a negative person, and they don't like to see their mummy stressed out and sad all the time ( and I thought I was covering it all up so well).
It will be the scariest thing you ever do, but you'll be amazed at how liberated you'll feel. His citizenship/ lack of is not your problem. You'll feel sorry for him , but it sounds like he cant handle being in a relationship right now either. IMHO, you both need time to find yourselves, and you need to be able to focus on that darlin' little girl without having a gorilla on your back! I am telling you, my relationshipwith my kids is Soooooo much stronger and deeper now that I am not always looking over my shoulder worrying about what 'he' with think/ do/ say. You will also be helping her to develop into a strong, loving, trusting, confident woman.
OK, I am going on and on, but I feel you pain soo much!
my e-mail is ddavies7@yahoo.com if you want to get back to me privately.
All the best to you all

Ronda - posted on 09/23/2011

pick up and leave and take your daughter with you. On the way out the door, tell the jerk to grow up !

Jenn - posted on 09/22/2011

PS I know you want your daughters father in her life but that isn't always the best answer. The toxic environment is only doing more damage then good and trust me on that one!

Jenn - posted on 09/22/2011

I live in south florida as well pm me and I can help as best I can there are options down here I know of as I've divorced my sons bio dad who is a piece of shit and walked put on us and him. I would give you a few pointers.

Shanea - posted on 09/22/2011

I have been where you are and I know it seems hopeless but Laura you have to get out. For yourself and your daughter. When you are in an abusive situation it is almost like an addiction everyone else can see how bad it is except you and even when you know how bad it is there feels like no way out. but there is always a way out you can't be his savior he has to work out is issues on his own and take responsibility for himself. You have to protect your daughter my oldest grew up seeing my being hit, cursed, and everything else it is traumatic for a child and it is teaching her that it is ok for men to treat her like this and it is not. If you are struggling finacially with him you can struggle alone without him and be safe. Think about what resources you have instead of what you don't do you have a family member or friend that you can stay with for awhile? what kind of help is ther in you community for single moms? You have to realize that you are beautifully and wonderfully made and you deserve to be treated like it no matter what you did in the past. Is there a church in your area that can help? Help is out there you just have to go get it. I don't remember if you said it but if he is not hitting you yet he will and that just gets worse it's just the grace of God that I am alive today. PLEASE GET OUT BEFORE TOO LATE!!!
I pray blessings for you and your daughter.

Sylvia - posted on 09/22/2011

sweety id suggest you leave and go find some one your own age,because your bloke is a boy and acting like one,what did you exspect in making him a husband!!!find some one your own age,just get out and leave,and learn your lesson,x

Danielle - posted on 09/22/2011

I hope this can help.... I was verbally and physically abused for 4 years by my daughter's father. There was a moment in the chaos that I remember with vivid clarity that I realized I was facing death and /or prison (for ending his life). I packed what I could fit in the back of my car, left EVERYTHING else behind and at 2 am drove 8 hours to my hometown to move back in with my Dad. November 3rd, 2011 will mark 7 years since that day....I am proud to say I graduate in May with my BA in federal acquisition, we own our own home now and could not be happier. There will be a point that you will decide to go or stay...once you realize that the sanity of you and your child/children are more important than the material object s you will lose, only then will you save yourself and the kids. In four years he broke my nose, collarbone, and knocked my teeth out with a brick, none of which compared to the verbal abuse. It is a matter of control...I ended up in CASA after a very bad incident with him and I learned the phrase that saved our lives. "THOSE WHO ANGER YOU CONTROL YOU" It is so true, abusive partners want to control every aspect of your life down to the time it takes to brush your teeth. By making me mad when he talked down to me or hit me, he controlled my actions. He reduced me to a whimpering scared shell of the person I once was. He removed me from anything that I enjoyed, activities that I liked (writing), he destroyed me. I have rebuilt myself and I am NOT afraid of him any longer. I have not seen or heard from him in almost 7 years. My daughters are happy, healthy girls, who also know their self-worth. It is hard, frightening, and the possible outcomes are often too much to carry. It has taken me this many years to know what I want and want I am truly capable of. When I came home my Dad lived in a one bedroom apartment, there was no room for us. My daughters and I lived in a basement of a friend . It was tough, I cried more often then not...but the end result is wonderful. You are WORTH more!! There is so much I want to say, need to say, email me at daniunger@yahoo.com if you would like. I want to try to help women who are where I once found myself, helpless, destroyed, and sad.

Laura - posted on 09/22/2011

Hi Laura, I am sorry to hear about your rough time...hope things get better. Laura, it seems like you have family and they will help you but you are not accepting it. Laura the problem I see with you and this gentleman is that you are a codependent for him. You feel responsible for him, which you are not. I remember I was in an unhealthy relationship for 10 years with a gentleman, who I believed needed me or he would be bad off but when I got fed up I no longer tried to tell him what was best for our relationship. I began to make plans to leave. I no longer told him to go…I left and never looked back again. I realized what I was walking away from was not much at all. So, I made a change and moved. My life became grand. I found god, I had received 2 promotions from my Job, I met my loving husband and we had two children together and I am happy!!! I have the life I deserve and my ex is still alive doing the same things with a different women

So Laura, What I do understand is if you are ready to make a change for the best ...you will make the necessary moves regardless of what you think you have or don’t have now. My advice to you is “Don’t be complacent (Meaning don’t be comfortable in your situation) and you will be ok”.

I am not a big fan on telling people what to do with their relationship but I do know you have a relationship with your daughter. You have to understand something!!! You and your boyfriend are old enough to make wise decisions for your selves but your daughter does not. You have to do what is best for her so she won’t end up in a situation that can harm her. I have seen to many children suffering from drugs abuse, sexual identity, victims of crime, and lack of education because of things that went on in their child hood…they just can’t explain it. So when our children don’t turn out the way we expected them to we need to ask ourselves first, “What are our children suffering from or what happened as they were growing up to make them result in such behavior”?

Laura you seem to be a good mom so I know you will do what is best for her. I also, understand you don't have money...it will come when you make a change. If you continue to go the same path ...change is not possible but if you take a chance and take another route, I am sure you will see a better life :) I hope this help!!

Shara - posted on 09/20/2011

oh my oh my, You really need to take your daughter out of that situation!!!! She had absolutely no reason to be around anything like that. It is not good at all for her to constantly hear you being downgraded, it will only lead to more problems down the road for her to possibly treat you the same because she will think it is ok. No matter how much you care about what it would effect him if you leave, you need to either make him leave or leave yourself. He obviously doesnt care about whats going on, or anything that you have to deal with so why should you care about what he may have to deal with. Dont ignore something that is hurting you in more ways than one. Its bad enough that you are physically and mentally sick, strained, and exhausted, but your daughter in right in the middle of the same situation. and she is old enough to understand her surroundings so the longer you deal with it the longer she is subjected to it and carrying it on as well. If she doesnt reenact on you, she could at school. I wish you the best girl, I hope you make some good decisions for you and your little girl!!!!

America3437 - posted on 09/16/2011

Just simply put all his stuff on the lawn and change the locks!!! He is in no way a good role model for your daughter and she is well on her way to ending up just like you!!! If my husband threw eggs at me he would be cooking for himself that for sure! You have to do what best for your daughter and having him leave is the best thing at this point. I hope he doesn't hit you in front of her! They say words don't hurt but I say at least bruises go away the words hurt forever! Please think about all you've been through and ask yourself is he worth it?

Carlie - posted on 09/16/2011

I don't care if you dont' like my answer either. Harsh is where you are. YOU have put yourself in this position. You chose the WRONG man. Now choose RIGHT for your children and YOU. see? YOU are the key.

Carlie - posted on 09/16/2011

Yes you do. You know EXACTLY what to do. But you are afraid. Afraid of him, afraid for your daughters, afraid of the unknown. Too bad your children aren't at the top of that list. And they aren't. If they were, you wouldn't be asking us. You don't want help. You want sympathy. And a miracle. Stop asking. YOU ARE THE ANSWER. YOU. You have a family right? If they are "over it" (and they aren't), then that implies that they care for you very much. Stop asking and DO. Don't look back....you miss whatever is in front of you. Don't you know that? You can do it. I promise.

Pat - posted on 09/14/2011

One more thing. You need to do it for your daughter, as she's at risk. If you don't, you will have to bear the responsibility for her harried life to come. The help is out there. Every church, school, and community organization as well as any doctor's office has the numbers and names of the community help organizations. You can also call the police and have them take him away. Do something today for you and your daughter.

Pat - posted on 09/14/2011

Take your daughter, go to a shelter and get help from them. You need total support, physically and emotionally. NOW. Way more important than money. A new start.

Brittany - posted on 09/09/2011

Pack a bag and leave. That is the answer. What is more important your home and material possessions or the well being of your child? So what big deal you have to struggle for a few years. You will survive.

Get online and get back in school. I am not joking. I am as serious as a heart attack. Your local Red Cross may offer free CNA courses. CNA's make around $20,000 to $30,000 a year. If you get into the right hospital they will pay for you to go back to school to become an RN, they are in high demand. RN's start out at around $50,000 depending on where you are.

It will take time to achieve all of this. Give it time.

Jody - posted on 09/08/2011

start talking to your good friends and set up a time for when you get your bags packed and get out of there and stay with a friend till you can get yourself into a place of your own. They have shelters for this exact issue. You need to stop making excuses for not leaving and think of all the reasons as to why you should the kids being number one!! they are suffering right a long with you!!!! get out of there and make sure to let the cops know that you are afraid of him and what he will do. there are resources you just have to want it bad enough. what you have with this guy is not a loving relationship. take the kids and GO! Staying makes you the inabler of his abuse, no one can help you if you are going to protect him!!!! Wise up and see what you are doing to not only yourself but your kids also! if he needs help perhpas this will drive him to get it. But one thing is for sure this guy needs a lot of therapy and it will take years to heal!! if you ever want to have a life and want to give your children a life of happiness get the hell out of there before its too late!!!! Good luck

Christy - posted on 09/08/2011

Sometimes the hardest things to do are the best for us! I watched a show last night and the key point of it was "Don't delay the happy!" Get yourself and your daughter out while you still can. Find a shelter, if not a shelter go to the nearest church and find a clergy person to help you. SOMEONE will help you! I'd also get a TRO so that once you and your daughter are gone he can't get near you, and if he does you can call the cops on him. Don't forget YOU hold all the cards here. You can have his butt deported at the drop of a hat! He knows this and this may be the reason he's terrorizing you. He may be using your fear to keep you from playing the cards you have at your disposal! Use them to your advantage and take back the situation to get the Hell out!

Ashley - posted on 09/08/2011

There are numerous things you can do. Will your family not help you leave him?? I just left my ex and got an apartment with my two kids. I'm not going to lie it's hard but you always find a way. My mother left my abusive father with 4 children. Her excuses at first were i can't afford it, how can i make it with 4 kids. Well guess what she did it! We grew up without our father and i'm tellin you it was a better life than growing up with him. Every one of us turned out to be great people. 2 of us have college degrees, one in college and the other a stay at home mom. Trust me when i say you can do it! Go an assistance, live with a family member do whatever you need to do to get out. My father abused my mom then it turned on us, when it turned on us thats when she got out. If he's like this with you he may eventually be like that with your daughter. He sounds like he has mental issues which you cant trust. Start looking into your options and like all the other ladies have said get out and run, dont look back! If he gets deported, so be it. Phone the police next time he abuses you. I'd rather have him in jail than have my 3 yr old witness this stuff. Sometimes parents being apart is better for children than being together. If she's seeing this at such a young age it will be worse on her. My grandmother witnessed her father beat her mother. At 6 yrs old she was in such a deep depression she needed to be put on medication. At 6 you should be out playing with your friends, not sitting in a dark room depressed and on meds. I'm tellin you, you need to leave. Get your daughter and go even if you have to do it without him knowing. Get to the police station!

Crystal - posted on 09/07/2011

Laura I tried emailing you but it says that is not a valid email. but here is my advice , I hope it helps even though it is not easy. Hi Laura,
I was reading your Circle of Mom s help plea and what I saw was a woman who knew what she needed to do but wanted to make sure she was right. Well you are. Verbal abuse is abuse. And when he is calling you names he is not just abusing you he is also abusing your child or chldren because he is telling them bad things about you. It hurts you but I promise it is much worse on the children. You may have to go through leagal aid to get help. You need to quit worring about what happens to him focus on the children that is what is important. Remember you are not doing this to him he is doing it to himself. It is ok that you love him but apparently he does not love you or those children or he would not subject them to this type of behavior. You will find that with him out you will be more relaxed and able to focus on the things that you need to do to keep your family afloat. You may need to find out what it is you can do to have him removed. He won't keep a job so there fore not only do you have to take care of your children but you are having to take care of him as well. He is an adult and he is responsible for his own actions quit allowing him to blame you and quit blaming your self or giving excuses for him. You are hiss partner not his mother and he is an adult and does not need you to supply excuses nor do you have to let him use you as an excuse. When he blames it on you, do not yell tell him he needs to grow up and blame himself instead of using you as an excuse for his actions. If he continues to yell, take the girls and leave for a while and if it is late call the police and tell them you have small children and he refuses to quit yelling and screaming. Agin you are not doing this to him,...he is doing it to himself by continuing to yell when asked nicely to stop. He is mentally abusing the children when he continues with this behavior and as thier mother you have to protect them and if that means calling the police so be it.
I know this sounds hard but I hope you find it helpful. Crystal

Lisa - posted on 09/06/2011

Wow, every lady that responded on this topic has been so correct in saying to LEAVE. I've been through two abusive relationships, one of them was physically abusive and the latter was an alcoholic whom i had a daughter with. I left two years ago with my baby girl when she was 5 months old, and things were hard, but there IS people out there that can help you. Don't be afraid to ask for help, everyone needs it at one point or another in there life, and ....before you know it, the hard times will have passed and you will start ...to be able to relax and be yourself again, and breath, and enjoy life with your daughter who is the most important factor in the whole situation. You need to be able to love yourself and take care of you ...to take care of her, and being stressed and fearful and living in that kind of environment will eventually just wear you down to nothing. Please take care of yourself and take into consideration the effort these ladies have put in to try and help you.....people do care and many are willing to help you through this time. (Most importantly, put yourself and child 1st!!)

Amanda - posted on 09/05/2011

Oh man, you've put up with a LOT!!! Google Kim & Steve Cooper on the net and see if their stuff helps. They advise having a chat with the police and I'd recommend it - ask for someone experienced in domestic violence. The police understand both the danger of staying and the danger of leaving. I know you feel like you haven't got good enough health to stand on your own 2 feet if you leave, but believe me, your health will get better if you get away from him! Compared to what you've gone through to stay with him, starting again will be a breeze! BUT, can I say that people and relationships are workable and if there is ANY way that he could be persuaded to see a psychologist, give it a try! I can't stress that enough! (You and your daughter should have conselling too) Anyway, whatever you choose, give yourself a few years to recover emotionally and physically. "To thine own self be true" xoxo

Vanessa - posted on 09/02/2011

I've been where you are and after I left him, my abuser stalked my children and me. I was put out of one domestic violence shelter after another, because of his stalking and clowning in front of the shelter. I contacted the National Domestic violence helpline and with the help of the States Attorney Office, moved my children and I to another state with exactly $5 in my pocket. In the beginning, it was very hard, but the shelter provided me with a place to live, clothes, school for the children and after school programs. They also gave us clothes, furniture, kitchen appliances, tv, etc. I applied for Section 8 housing and eventually got an apartment. Words cannot express the peace of mind I have now and seeing my children thrive. I encourage you to take a leap of faith! Contact the Domestic violence shelters in your local area and the National Domestic violence help line. Also, go to the website Cafemom and join the "Mothers that survived domestic violence" group. I'm Ewadun there. We have tons of information for women seeking to get out and suggestions on how to prepare to take that leap of faith. You will find other support groups there as well. I am but one of the women who support an underground railroad helping women get away. Feel free to contact me personally. Sending you lots of love, hugs, prayers your way Mama. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! Reclaim your gavel and hold your head high. You've got some decisions to make that would better the quality of your life and your daughter. Last, but not least, my family didn't support me or my decision. I now live alone in another state and am finally happy.

Alexandra - posted on 09/01/2011

you must leave now, today, yesterday. This guy is no good. This person is not good for your daughter either. You must protect your daughter. Do you have some family you can be with for a while? If not, go search for some shelter and stay there until you can get things straight. There are many places that can help you and give you support. There are the soups for the poor and showers. And you can always go to the park with your daughter, and the library, places that are free and that help her mind stimulation. But you must decide this for yourself. It is a start to come here and write and ask for help, but I feel you are still not ready to leave because of fear. And because you don't want anything to happen to him. YOU CAN DO IT, YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH.

Brenda - posted on 09/01/2011

Call the domestic hotline and get out of it before you will not be able to make it out. Do it for you and your child!

Jessica - posted on 08/29/2011

don't leave her their. the judge will favor him, if you do, for custody. If he is abusive, then what will he do to her if you leave her alone with him?

Even if the environment isn't "stable" it is batter than being abused.

Judy - posted on 08/29/2011

You have to at least get your daughter out of this situation first. She needs to be in a stable environment where she can thrive. Talk to her and explain you will be returning for her as soon as you get help . Let her know she is not at fault for any problems that dad has. Then help yourself by filing for divorce and getting out of his path. Go to a womans shelter if you do not have a family member who can take you in and offer protection. Get an order of protection against him and seek therapy for yourself and the baby. Don't keep making excuses for not taking action. Think of the little girl and make her your priority not him. Please get away from this man. It may feel like a huge mountain to climb , but it is up to you to make this decision for the sake of your child and yourself. There is help out there. He is damaged and there is nothing you can do to repair him. You have a resposibility to your daughter and she has the right for a safe, stable home where his sickness will not lead to her being damaged in the future.

Kat - posted on 08/25/2011

Leave! If your family isn't supportive, find a shelter (they're not as bad as you might think). If that doesn't work, go to a church and ask for help. But BE SAFE about it - your partner will likely be very upset if he knows what you're planning. Clear your browser history regularly, too, so he doesn't see what you've posted here. If you need any one-on-one help, email me at mommyhoodbythehandful@gmail.com or find me on facebook as Kathryn Plasencia. Good luck and God bless!