I want to let my daughters long term boyfriend sleep over?

C - posted on 07/17/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )




DNow before everyone freaks out..my daughter is 16 and her boyfriend is 17 almost 18. They have been together for almost 2 years with no problems or fights at all. They are very supportive of each other and love each other very much. He is my daughters best friend and it's obvious. They waited a while to have sex (about 8 months)and both of them are extremely responsible. She is on the pill and use condoms every time. They have discussed with each other what the plan is if she did get pregnant (which would be to have an abortion) they are not the typical teenage relationship filled with lust and pressure to do things. They have a very serious relationship and care deeply about each other. He usually stays to 12 or 1 am down stairs watching movies/tv and what not and I'm alright with that. Let me just repeat that I KNOW they have sex and I understand that and i don't have a problem with it as long as they are responsible. It's 2012 people not 1950 They plan to always stay together no matter what be it college or being apart for long periods of time or whatever. I trust both of them completely and they are both very smart and make good decisions. I also know his parents very well and we are great friends
I just want some feedback from others. I don't want any nasty answers about becoming a grandmother or STDs(they were each others first) we already have that plan taken care of. I think them sleeping together and waking up next to each other is just because they want to spend time together and want to be close and loving..so what are your guys's thoughts?


Rebekah - posted on 07/17/2012




My response comes from both a conservative up-bringing and having been in a similar situation as your daughter. I was in a serious relationship for 4 years (age 15 to 19) with my first love and we were very serious, committed, and talking marriage if we could endure the separation that college brought. He studied abroad for a year, which was more than what our relationship could handle. Being apart, and just simply maturing and growing and experiencing things pulled us in two different directions. People change so very much as they enter adulthood (the brain doesn't even finish developing until we're in our 20's) that its very feasible that young loves will grow apart, have different goals and values till they have more grown up life experiences. (I would have NEVER expected a break up when I was in the relationship. We never fought either. All I could envision was my BF, forever.) I say all this because although your daughter and her BF intend to stay together--and they may or may not--there is still so much that can happen. My first love and I did not have sex due to our beliefs. And while I was completely devastated when it ended, it occurred to me how much more heartbroken I would have felt if I had gone to that further level of intimacy. Not that we weren't intimate (I'll spare the details), but we kept our boundaries.

I realize I'm probably in a minority here. Yeah, I know that it isn't 1950. But having some boundaries and saving some things for later serve a purpose...Emotionally, practically, etc. I intend to raise my son with the same kind of guidelines I was given because I feel like those guides (and limits) have served me well. I know there are a lot of freedoms given these days in general...but I'd say, just because you CAN, doesn't mean you necessarily SHOULD.

This is not a criticism of your choices or values or style of parenting. To each his own, and you have to ultimately be at clear on the purposes of your decisions and at peace with it. You asked for input, so I'm sharing. I wanted to offer--from my perspective--that its important to keep some things sacred. So they've had sex already. Glad they are being honest with you and responsible about it. But they still aren't adults or living together or married. Why give them full license to act as if, by letting them spend the night together? Apparently they already are close and loving even without him spending the entire night. You have already given them your blessing, and seem to have a lot of rationalization about why you would want to let them do this, so I'm curious why you want others' input.


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Lisamarie - posted on 07/17/2012




Hey, I met my hubby when I was 15, he was 17. We waited until I was 16 and had been together 9 months by then, we actually did it whilst on our first holiday together so no worries about who's house. My parents are quite reserved so we were never allowed to sleep together until we were married!
His parents were more open about it and let me stay even before we had had sex. We rarely had sex in his parents house though, it felt a bit disrespectful to me but doesn't bother me if other people do.
It really depends on you, if you think it's OK and safer in your own home then allow it. I personally would do the same, I'd rather know they were under our roof and not in a bush (which is where my hubby lost his virginity) or the back of a car. :-)

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