Im stuck, Please Help!

Kimberly - posted on 11/12/2010 ( 10 moms have responded )




My husband doesnt like my best friend and we get in fights about it all the time! I'm not sure if my best friend knows how he feels, but im sure she gets a vibe when she sees him. He cant stand it that she always flaunts about how well off that they are or this happened so poor me type things. She brags a lot on her facebook status about how great her daughter is or can you believe we just bought this or that. I grew up with her and have known her now for 13 years so I am used to it and just brush it off but it drives him nuts. I watch her daughter daily so we see her daily. It drives him nuts that she thinks she is "special" and she does not have to follow my daycare rules, since she is my friend. I ask her to follow my daycare rules and she will for a short time, but then fall into "since I'm your best friend I dont need to follow the rules!" My husband tells me I let her walk all over me and I let her get away with thing too much. We get into fights about it all the time and it usually ends with him telling me I'm not going to listen to him anyway and that she is put before him. All I want him to do is act friendly when she comes to pick up her daughter from daycare,. I told him he does not have to have a full fledged conversation with her, but if he passes her just acknowledge her and say Hi. He says there is no reason he should have to. He works second shift and she usually shows up around the time he has to leave for work. He has started to leave for work earlier just to avoid her, but this taking away time he usually spends with my sons. I love my husband! and I like my best friend, I feel like I am stuck in the middle! I am starting to go NUTS with this!


Westupluv - posted on 11/13/2010




Hi Kimberley,
Oh my gosh, I have just been through something similar. You have to tell your BF how you feel, if she truely is a friend, she should totally understand and give you and your family some space. Also you need to tell your partner how your feeling ( being stuck in the middle) and explain to him that she is your best friend and you are going to hang out with her sometimes and he has to suck it up, but you are willing to now make time for him and wont see her as often. I made the mistake of trying to always please everyone, in the end I ran myself to the ground (not worth it) Be honest! Stand up to both of them! I hope this helped.

Louise - posted on 11/13/2010




i would agree to disagree on this one.You can not force someone to like someone else if he does not like her then so be it, but there is no need to be rude. I can see why your husband does not like her if she is bragging alot and not respecting the rules of the house, he probably feels inadequate that he can not provide you with the same and has no way of stopping this woman walking all over you. What he does not understand is that you are aware of her tactics and that it does not bother you. I would however put your foot down on the day care side she either abides by the rules or goes elsewhere. Maybe if you did this your husband would realise that you are not a walk over and back off a little. It is a tricky situation and not a nice one to be in but letting them both know that you can stand up for yourself and that neither of them has power over you will settle the situation.

Tammy - posted on 11/12/2010




I think your husband needs to respect your decision to be friends with her- you run a business and he needs to be professional towards the mothers that pick their kids up, regardless if it is your best friend or not. I agree that a simple acknowledgement is all that he needs to do. If you are happy being friends with her, and want to continue being friends with her, then so be it. Everyone has flaws, and your friend probably might not even realise she is doing it, since she has been doing it for so long. Its not as if she has done anything wrong by him, it sounds just like a clash of personalities. Have a serious chat to your husband about how it you are feeling about the situation. Also, If she is not following your daycare rules perhaps you need to plant your foot down a bit more firmly but! Sorry I cannot offer more but hope this helps!

Amy - posted on 11/12/2010




What if this situation was reversed and he had a friend that you didn't like? Too often if the situation is reversed women demand that their spouses or signifigant others discontinue all contact because they are disrespectful, imo this isn't any different. He doesn't like your friend he doesn't have to like her your friend is disrespecting you! In your post you talk about how she doesn't follow the rules because she's your friend, I'm sure you wouldn't allow that with any of the other kids that you watch, why should your husband be nice to her she is blatantly disrespecting you even though you've told her on more than 1 occasion that the rules apply to her too. He's made the decision to leave the house earlier to avoid her. In essence you are choosing her over him by not enforcing the same rules that you enforce with everyone else, I'm also sure that he probably feels that he could potentially say something that wouldn't be nice and he is doing his best to just avoid her. I agree the other stuff is petty but it's his choice to avoid her, you should respect that. Once your friend starts respecting you then you can demand that he be civil to her but until then your husband is trying to make his point to you but you seem to be ignoring it.

[deleted account]

he probably gets annoyed bc he feels she is taking advantage of you.. and maybe she is.. so i would be happy that he is trying to stand up for you.. i have girlfriends some closer than others, but honestly i've had some piss poor ones too... my husband used to get defensive on my behalf bc he knew they werent treating me right .. not that he was trying to make sure i had no friends lol...he would get upset that i would get upset over them.. and you know what, he was right lol.. and although he would be respectful to these "friends" of mine i realized that he had a point.. just saying.. something to think about.. im not one to be taken advantage of.. i did that for way too long.. and i pointed out the same to him with some of his "friends".. and i know and believe he has my best interest at heart and vice versa


View replies by

Heather - posted on 11/13/2010




I agree with others and see your husband's actions as an attempt to keep the peace and avoid someone who upsets him because of her disrespectful actions towards you, the woman he loves. As someone else already asked, if the situation was reversed and it was your husband's friend acting the same way what would you do and how would you feel? Have you complained about her breaking the daycare rules to him? Men like to be fixers, when you tell them a problem they want to help you fix it but women aren't always looking for a fix to their problem just someone to listen to it and this can lead to frustration and misunderstandings. In all honesty, which person could you do without in your life if you had to make the choice? Maybe that answer could help you figure out what actions you need to take to resolve the situation to your satisfaction.

Angie - posted on 11/13/2010




I think your husband is right, she's treating you like a doormat. If another parent continually didn't follow your daycare rules, what would you to? Friends don't take advantage of friendship, they nurture the relationship and respect their friends. I think it's sad that she flaunts the fact that she has more than you. Seriously, even if your husband wasn't uncomfortable with the way she's treating you, I'd take a second look, with an open mind at this relationship. If her visits are causing your husband to leave earlier to work and taking time from you family, ask her to come at a different time. I'm sure she's aware that she is causing this problem, why does she continue to do it? I would think that her visit would interrupt time with your family anyway, so him leaving early probably doesn't matter.

Laura - posted on 11/13/2010




This is a tricky position to be in for everyone. From what you describe, you have a friend who knowingly takes advantage of you and your friendship to break rules that you have established for your business. Honestly, your friend is not showing you much respect as a friend by doing this, IMO! You need to have a conversation with her about her behavior because your husband is right--she is taking advantage of your friendship with your business!
You need to hold her accountable to the rules as a good business practice.

I noticed that your description of your friend was rather negative, yet there must be positive aspects to her that perhaps he doesn't see. Let him know of those positive qualities that have kept you in friendship with this woman. Let him know that as long as you are friends with this person, you expect him to at least be curtious toward her if they happen to be around each other; you are right in expecting at least this much from him. However...

Your husband's feelings toward your friend are his feelings, you won't be able to change them. It sounds like he has shared his feelings about your friend with you honestly and openly. He seems to be expressing his concern about your friend's treatment of you and your business because he sees this behavior as being disrespectful towards you. Since that is all he can do he has then made a choice to avoid her as a means of limiting any potential conflict! Your husband seems to have a good grasp of his limitations and is using avoidance as a means to try and respect you and your friendship with this other woman. It seems he doesn't want to tempt himself with saying something he might regret.

There is no easy solution to this relationship problem. Right now your husband's avoidance of her might be the best short-term answer. A long-term answer, however, will be more difficult. Only you can decide what needs to be done. Best of luck to you.

JuLeah - posted on 11/13/2010




It sound like everyone needs to remember when they end and the rest of the world begins.
Your realtionship with this woman is between you and her. Your husband doesn't get to call the shots.
The relationship between your husband and your friend is theirs and you don't get to call the shots.
It would seem to me however, if you have been honest with both about how you feel, both would make greater effort to find middle ground given their love and respect for you.
Some men are really frightened of their wives having friends (men or women) and sharing a bond with another person they can't be involved with. To them I suggest, 'Grow up' and get over it. Women need friends, female friends more then male friends and men just need to deal.
How much respect can you have for a grown man who pouts, refuses to say 'Hi', picks a fight cause he's green, and throws a little tantrum over your friendhsip with another?

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