Infedility

Kayliecia - posted on 02/23/2010 ( 22 moms have responded )

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So, i know my husband is addicted to porn and im looking to see a counselor and such, but i still cant get over the fact that he spent whatever 32 dollars on a webcam whatever chat thing, I don't know what to do i want it to work has anyone else had there husbands do this its porn addiction- ive been through this many of times with him im working on getting help but i guess im wondering what you all would do?

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Sheree - posted on 02/24/2010

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I also agree that you husband has done the wrong thing in purchasing the webcam if it is solely for the purposes you have listed, and knowing that you didnt have the money to do it, is completely wrong on his behalf. I also agree that doing things on webcam is infedelity but please dont think i was saying that it was ok in my previous posts, i was saying i dont believe porn is infedelity. Like the other ladies have said, i would put passwords on everything and block the sites he uses with the webcam, plus destroy the webcam/sell it to someone else.

Melanie - posted on 02/24/2010

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dear Kayliecia,

i'm so sorry for what you are going through. you are not alone. i also highly recommend praying for your husband. i would also ask him to remove the webcam and throw it in the trash. if he is serious about getting better, he needs to remove the temptation. i would also talk to him about installing a porn blocker on the internet where only YOU have the password.

throw out/burn all porn materials in the home.

have you watched the movie "love dare"? it's a little corny, but truly wonderful about how porn tears apart a marriage.

i don't care what someone says, porn is an addiction. it is very hard to remove, but it can be done!!!!

please feel free to friend me on facebook if you want to stay in touch. i will certainly pray for your marriage.

melanie

Jessie - posted on 02/24/2010

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Ok first off a woman should never embrace her husband watching porn just so he won't go out and cheat another way. Also, she isn't talking about simply watching porn but is talking about an addiction something he can not stop. Also if she doesn't like porn and he is chatting with other women that is cheating. You have every right to feel the way you do and I would try working with him on it with someone that can help, then if it comes to divorce then you can't say that you didn't try to help him. The fact that he spent money when you both knew it was tight obviously points to a problem. He prob. knows it's wrong and knows it's hurting you but just doesn't know how to stop. I'm sorry I can't be of much help but I will pray for you guys and hope that it all works out.

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Reading everybody's advise and your latest post, I must say I don't think it will change, as heartbreaking as it sounds. It's too close for comfort and you have to take drastic steps sooner than later whether it be getting help or getting divorce, which I also agree is not always the answer. Note though, I should know but wish not to elaborate. Your children will suffer forever under an unhappy marriage where you will end up anyway not wanting him near you, always wondering what's in his mind. Fantasies for men is normal but somewhere as Christians they must know where to draw the line. Watch out for Your Children Please! They are the Most Important Things in your life and Your responsibility!!

Sheree - posted on 02/24/2010

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No need to be sorry Christi, that's your opinion. I dont agree with other professions but people still work them and the people in porn do it as thats what they want to do. Its not just the women being paid to have sex with countless men, its also the men doing the exact same. Both sexes are being degraded, but its their profession. Also what happens in my bedroom stays in my bedroom, i have never filmed myself and never would. What my husband and I do is between us as it would be with everyone. I just dont see how watching porn is that bad when you do it together and can have some fun from it.

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Korina - posted on 02/24/2010

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Hi Kayliecia...
ive already sent a post about an 'x' husband, but just wanted to clarify myself that we did do all the counselling and conversations and rehab thing before we separated...sorry, i didnt want to suggest divorce!!! reading here, it is helpful to see that some men to respond to these forms of help, even if a temporary separation is called for! whatever works...good luck for that, but if you do have a rotten egg like i did that couldn't see the problem and became so deluded in lies!! (he had to start hiding it all from me) please dont ever forget your worth and just know that there are plenty of men out there who would love and appreciate you!!!! we only have this life once,..be sure to enjoy :)

Lisa - posted on 02/24/2010

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I am sorry that you are going through this. Definitely make sure both of you are talking to your counselor, get help from the church if you can, definitely pray and you can try XXXchurch. They are a Christian organization helping people with porn and sex addiction. They have a simple test on the main page to see how strong the addiction is and many avenues to help with accountability. The problem with pron and sex addiction is that it doesn't just go away, but is a daily struggle. He will need someplace to have daily accountability and be honest about it. He will also need another more productive diversion to help steer him away from the temptation. It is agreed to put up blockers on the computer, remove ALL pornographic material in the home and get rid of the camera. The key is still to have someone or group he can rely on for accountability. Some place he speaks the absolute truth of what he is doing. Also, let him know he can tell you truthfully what is going on. So, the times when he slips that you are there to support him and get back on track again. It is a difficult road and you will need a lot of support, but know that faithful prayer will not go unheeded.

Hope that helps. Good luck!

Sharon - posted on 02/24/2010

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The webcam is wrong. You're not talking about still pictures or movies online anymore.

He's dealing with live women/men? in a one on one situation and that IS infidelity. It IS wrong. I would destroy the webcam and put a parent control on the computer.

I would lock out anything porn related and all email, chat, IM controls. FK him. Let him see how angry you are about this. Do not use ANY of your usual passwords.

what a dickhead.

Melanie - posted on 02/24/2010

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dear Kayliecia,

please do not watch the material with him. all porn does is objectify women. that is not what conjugal love is all about!

you need to erradicate the porn in the home for your husband's sake, your marriage sake, and for the sake of little eyes in your home. i grew up with seeing porn in my home. it was not good to know these things at such a young age. to this day, images will still sometimes come back to my mind. no porn, not even a victoria secret catalog, will ever step foot in this house. it will not be tolerated. thankfully, my husband realizes how dangerous it is. he struggles with the occasional image someone shows him at work. there but for the grace of God, go i! i know how insidious porn truly is, based on my experiences. which is why i'm so strongly cautioning you.

do not leave your husband over this, but seek ways to help him overcome it. your marriage and husband will be much stronger for it. so will your children! :)

mel

Amber - posted on 02/24/2010

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i agree porn and a camera are 2 different things but in my boook THEY ARE BOTH CHEATING .. i think you deserve better, in fact i know you do. You deserve the someone who only wants and needs you. Its like your in a relationship with him and hes in a relationship with 500 other people. When you got married IM GUESSING you were the only one at the altar he was saying i do too correct? Well in doing what he is doing he is DISRESPECTING YOU, in so many different ways.I wont tell you what to do but i will share my opinions on what i would do. I would tell him how i HONESTLY FEEL no matter what he has to say, you keep it to yourself and it will build up, tell him how sick and disgusting i find it that he is watching it and chatting to other girls. ARENT YOU GOOD ENOUGH TO TALK TOO. Arent you good enough to look at and be greatful for? You married him not them and honestly if it were me ID BE GONE IF HE WASNT WILLING TO GIVE IT UP. he married you not them and he shouldnt be doing that. YOUR WORTH MORE THEN THAT! :)

Renae - posted on 02/24/2010

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Porn is one thing but a chat camera!!!! Chatting is completely different, that is cheating in my book. I feel for you. I hope counselling helps.

Amber - posted on 02/24/2010

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hii

well inmy opinion hes with you and shouldnt be looking at that STUFF. i think its disrespectful. He shouldnt be fatasizing about anyone except you. YOU SHOULD BE GOOD ENOUGH no sorry poor choice of words YOU ARE PERFECT and hes lucky to have you. I would not tolerate sharing i spose you could say sharing him with porn. Sorry thats just my opinion. It pretty much is cheating, its like saying your not good enough so ill get my JOLLYS from someone else. Sorry.. but you are.

Kayliecia - posted on 02/24/2010

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well the thing is sheree its not just porn like i said he paid for a webcam chat and he knows we are tight on money and he chats with these women that have porn like i said i dont care about videos but i do care that he chats and lies and i call it infeditilty if its gone that far.

Lacey - posted on 02/24/2010

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well to be honest i see nothing wrong with watching porn..my husband watches it not all the time..just every now and then but i rather him watch it at home then go out and find someone else or go to a strip club and do something stupid...i even like watching it with him sometimes it keeps the romance alive..look at it like this would you rather him watch it at home or go off and be with someone else..it shouldn't be a problem unless he is getting on cam with strangers and showing them his little friend..what helped me come to terms with my hubby's hobby is i set ground rules..like he is not to look,watch or talk about it in front of our son..(which is a given)..and if i am in the room watching it with him i get to pick which movie we watch..i mean some of them are just ewwww..lol..if it bothers you that bad sit him down and talk to him about it..if that doesn't help then just tell him if he doesn't get help then you are leaving until he does..i hope this helps and good luck

Christi - posted on 02/24/2010

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i am sorry sheree, but that is disgusting. does it not bother you that those women are paid to have a countless number of men have sex with them? i think the whole industry is sick and i think that it is disgusting that our government allows such things to go on. i have never watched porn and never will. i respect myself enought to know that what happens in our bedroom needs to stay in our bedroom. it is bad enough i cannot turn on tv without sex being plastered across every show and commercial.

Janina - posted on 02/24/2010

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hmm my ex bf was also addicted to porn and i hated it!! it made me feel like crap to be honest. i wouldnt jump to a divorce right away... my parents are divorced and its not pleasant. saying that, if you are unhappy and he is not going to change then maybe its the right thing to do. i hope he sorts his addiction out... keep ur chin up!

Sheree - posted on 02/24/2010

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Personally I wouldnt call porn infedility. I think its harmless. My husband watches it but only with me and if he wanted to watch it by himself when im not around, then so be it. It just the fantasy and the fact they cant have it that makes them want to watch it. So to answer you question on what I would do, i'd sit and watch it with him and have some fun with it.

Christi - posted on 02/24/2010

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my husband had taken it that far, but it was getting to where for us to be intimate he would have to watch porn. it made me feel so horrible about myself. i had enough and i told him that it was between his porn and his family. he didn't think there was anything wrong, but after i showed him what it was like to feel like you were needed, he got it. he didn't think i would leave either and we were seperated for two months. he finally got what i was saying and saw that i was serious and got help. we have been a stronger couple ever since. good luck to you.

Evelyn - posted on 02/24/2010

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Hi Kayliecia, I would pray. I suggest you get on your knees and pray. There is no addiction that the power of God through prayer can not break. If you will, please say this simple prayer, "Heavenly Father, your word says if I ask I will receive, therefore in absolute faith in your power and your word, I ask that my husband be set free from addiction to pornography in the name of Jesus Christ, I thank you in advance because I know you have heard me". You may not see the answers immediately but it will come, if you truly love him, pray and and enlist the prayer of trusted friends also. God bless you and remember to tell us the good news.

Pamela - posted on 02/24/2010

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Basically we can't fix our husbands. We can choose how we will deal with the issue, we can say how we feel without accusing or judging ie;"When you look at porn it makes me feel ugly and undesirable", state your need "I need your exclusive attention because it makes me feel like I matter and am important to you." state your boundries " I can't be priority #2 in your life." Offer reasonable solutions" What can I do to be #1 on your list?" The rest is in his court so to speak you may have to accept that the behavior will not change, and ask yourself "am I willing to live with that?" or if you can't live with it are you willing to separate even permenantly to be at peace with myself.

It is my experience that marriage relations and our tolerance of things is as individual as we are, but for our own peace of mind and well being we can't just ignore things, it's best to deal with it right away. Don't put it off. Gather your support network (Family,Friends, Pastor, Counselor) and take on the battle.

Bec - posted on 02/23/2010

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wow this is abit hard I havent been in this situation, but my husband watches porn only with me....I wouldnt like him to do it behind my back. And I getting a divorce sounds abit overboard but sometimes it may have to be the answer. Have you talked to you husband and let him know how you feel about this. If he dont listen to you then see a councelor and get a better opinion. good luck

Korina - posted on 02/23/2010

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aw..i feel for you...my X husband had the same addiction, and he did try to do a rehab stint..but unfortuneatly he just couldn't give up his 'dirty' little secret...I found it all a bit too 'unfaithful' for me so had to leave...goodluck,:)

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