Elizabeth - posted on 01/28/2015 ( 12 moms have responded )
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I am a mom of 3 and a step mom of 5. I don't even know how I manage. Of the 5, 2 live with my Fiance and I. They are 19 and 15 both boys. We get 2 on Sundays both girls who are 7 and 4. My problem is with the 19 year old and the girls. I can't stand them and feel so guilty. I try my best but I am at the end of my ropes here and ready to call this relationship quits. My fiance is not at all the strong one nor is he the disciplinarian type. The 19 year old is the most laziest and I mean laziest person I have ever met. He thinks he is entitled to everything and anything. I have to tell him to clean his room, to wash his own dishes. He doesn't look for a job to at least begin to support himself. He walks around like he is something grand and I can't stand it. He has no respect for what I have to say or me period. This has been a topic of discussion for a few years now. I am to be married this August and it is starting to look like a blur. I love my soon to be lord knows I do but I don't see anything changing. Thing is if I stay quiet he will continue living in our home at 20, 21, 22 and so on and I am not going to take care of a grown man who should be doing for himself. I refuse to!!!! My fiance speaks to him but not the way he should. He treats him like a baby and caters to every word he says and he doesn't realize it. How do I make him understand my feelings? Mind you at the moment I am a stay at home for the last 5 months to finish my degree. I do everything in the home from cooking to cleaning, dr's appt and so on. My fiance is here only on Sundays and works the rest of the days. He is gone from about 9 maybe 10 till about 9 maybe 10 at night. So he is not here to see what actually is going on and interacts with all of the kids very little. I am overwhelmed and stressed to the max.
As for my step daughters well only 5 hours on Sundays and I want to just pull my hair out for her behavior. She acts out in public which is by far the most embarrassing moments of my life. I don't even like to be seen with them and he allows it. I don't lay my hands on my children I mean with one look and they know I mean business BUT I do believe if a child is acting in the way my stepdaughter is acting a spanking can be implemented. She has kicked and punched him, yelled at him because she wants this or that and of course what ends up happening? He gives to her every damn want. Now I have laid very low for almost a year without interrupting so that I can observe his style of parenting but I couldn't watch anymore. I had to lay my rules down and spoke with him. Seeing as how I am involved 100% with them I told him you have to let them know to respect but I get nothing. What do I do? Where do I turn? I just want to give up but its also not the kind of person to just throw in the towel. I also told him that I am giving his 19 year old till the end of the summer to get a job, or start college and if not he will have to go. Am I wrong for this? Appreciate the responds!!
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Raye - posted on 01/29/2015
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All the kids, while they're under your roof, need to have the same rules. Create a chart that has chores age appropriate to the children. The younger ones can put away toys and clothes, the middle ones can make the beds and sweep/dust, and the older ones can do laundry and wash dishes. Come up with appropriate punishments for what happens when these chores are not done (time outs, grounding, no TV, no phone, etc.) and you and your fiancé BOTH need to enforce the rules. The 19 year old definitely needs to find a summer job and/or apply for college, or else he needs to find a new place to live. If you've given him a time limit, then make sure you stick to it.
Michelle - posted on 01/29/2015
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I'm sorry but it's taken you this long to find all this out?
You need to tell your Fiance to be a parent to his kids and discipline. He needs to lay down the rules and make sure he follows through with the consequences.
As far as the 19yo goes, your Fiance needs to tell him to get a job and pay his way or move out. He needs to give him a time limit (1 or 2 months) and stick to it.
If your Fiance isn't going to discipline his children then you need to decide if you can live the way you are.
You need to look out for you and your children and do what's best for them. Surely your children aren't enjoying living in the house with them either.