Insecure with relationship with DIL

[deleted account] ( 2 moms have responded )

I have been insecure in my relationship with my DIL pretty much since they first were married. During the planning of her wedding she was given advice that she should keep me at a distance, as it was her day and I might interfere. The relationship has improved over the years, and most recently since they had a baby girl a year ago. However, I never get any confirmation or indication if what I do is met with her approval or not. Whether or not what I am doing with my granddaughter is looked at with favor or not.

After hearing so many horror stories of the MIL and DIL relationship, I have been very careful to be non intrusive and flexible around any family gatherings. (We often get bumped, and her family gets priority for these events). We graciously accept what ever we get. We never drop in unannounced. We always ask if it is convenient. We never give unsolicited advice.

Still it is difficult as I don't get a great read from her. We are a very open and expressive family, and she is more reserved. I wish I could trust the fact that she will tell me if there is a problem. I think I may be over-analyzing the situation. I know many families with awful relations and I know many families with better relationships. I would say we are somewhere in the middle. We have had the priviledge of seeing our granddaughter every couple weeks at the minimum since her birth. They have finally started letting us babysit after 9 months of age.

Recently I feel like I might be getting the cold shoulder. As I type this I feel it is silly, but both my son and DIL have been very very consistent that they will comment or "like" any post I put up on FB or Instagram. Yesterday it was our granddaughters first b-day. I posted a picture of her saying how much she has been a blessing to our family and we love her to bits. Neither one of them commented or posted or liked the picture. Then I sent my son a msg this morning asking if he was ok... That he was on my mind and If he needed to talk I was here. (He has a job situation going on). No response. Later this evening I asked an unrelated question and if he received my earlier msg. He responded to the first part but not the second part. I just don't understand, why this generation is so poor at communication. With the lack of response, I start to question if I've done something. Have I offended in some unknown way.

My relationship with them is important as I didn't have much of a family relationship growing up. I don't want to ask if there is something wrong, for two reasons. 1. I don't want to create a problem where there isn't one. and 2. I don't want to seem so sensitive and needy.

How do I become more confident In my relationship with them. (My son and I were very close and open when he lived at home). I understand and encourage him to make his wife his #1 go to and not me. I know and understand my role. I would love some affirmation or indication if they think I'm doing a good job as a grandma.

Why is being the parent of an adult child so hard to figure out.


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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/14/2016




Ok, well...

First, do you have a reputation for being pushy, or interfering when not asked, that someone would make a point of telling your DIL to keep you at a distance on her wedding day?

Next, yes, you do need to realize that every family will have different dynamics, and those dynamics WILL change over time as the kids grow up, the elders pass away, new families and traditions are formed and its an ongoing change.

I will say this: If you are NOT meeting their expectations of you, they'd most certainly be very verbal in letting you know, and expressing their displeasure or disappointment.

Another thing that you may want to be aware of is that posting photos of their very young child without their permission may be a sensitive subject for them, but they didn't want to upset you, which may be why they ignored your queries on that subject. To be on the safe side, always ask ANY parent for permission before posting photos online of their children.

I would invite them to coffee/tea and visit with them face to face.

Michelle - posted on 05/14/2016




All I can suggest is to have a talk with them. Face to face, not a text message. Let them know how you feel and ask them how they feel about you. Discuss a solution that everyone is happy with.

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