Is being in an Eleven yr relationship worth continuing

Reva - posted on 02/16/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )




Ok here is the problem. I have been in an on and off again relationship with my boyfriend for 11yrs. We have a 11month old son. Go figure. Everyday is a roller coaster. We can go a couple of days and everything is great. Then he will say something to piss me off and we stop speaking. Don't get me wrong I love this man to death. But he has alot of issues that need to be addressed. People say we should be married by now. Should we or should I move on and end the roller coaster now.


September - posted on 02/16/2010




In my opinion it would probably be best if you see a therapist before making the choice.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/26/2015





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Bobbie - posted on 06/21/2011




Do you both come from broken homes? That may be why you so easily give up and stop talking when you become "pissed". You have not seen first hand the communications it takes to work through things. NOTHING is accomplished by shutting down or walking away.
Here is the other thing.....11 years is not the issue. You are not who you were 11 years ago, neither is he. Look at the current situation, learn to take it day by day and stick it out. Talk about things to learn if you are on the same page. A lifetime is a terrible thing to go through alone without strong bonds of love to always be there, through thick and then and someone to catch you when you fall.

Tah - posted on 02/24/2010




it's been 11 years..he is gonna do it or he's not..what do you want...i have a friend that has been in a relationship for almost 15 years..and we aren't even 30 yet...i think you know...i was in a relationship for almost 7 as soon as i stepped outside that relationship.i mean within the week, i met a wonderful God-fearing man and we have been married 4 years and are happy as can be....

Angel - posted on 02/24/2010




I think it all depends on what you argue about. Try getting couples counselingto work out your problems. when you have kids money and kids cause alot of stress on a relationship. I wouldn't consider getting married just cause you've been together for 11 years or cause you have a child together. And if things aren't gonna work out it is better to get out while your baby is still young. you don't want your kids to be thrown in an environment with alot of arguing all the time. And divorce is not cheap.

Iridescent - posted on 02/24/2010




It's totally up to you. Chances are, you just need a break. My husband and I were together for 4 years, had 1 baby and were pregnant with another when he left me. We were apart for 5? years more, but never EVER got over each other. We each had kids with someone else (a set of twins and a singleton, same ages), and decided we belonged together. He'd been scared to death of marriage the whole time, and I wanted to be MARRIED to him. We married in September, but only because we agreed no matter how frustrated we are, there will not be a divorce, that word is not allowed here. We are both from divorced parents, all our siblings are divorced, we refuse to be the same. So instead, if we need time apart a few hours to vent, whatever, we give it. If we need to fight, we pick a fight and that's the end of it. If we're mad, we're allowed to be mad. Divorce will NEVER be an option, and we're both "safe". And we have total trust in each other, even on our worst days. Difficult conversations take place over several days (or months). But they do occur and decisions are made (particularly about our children), and things are better for it. But it DID take us a long break for us to realize we were simply supposed to be together.

Reva - posted on 02/24/2010




Thank you all for the comments. We are going to try counseling. If that fails then i will have to part. I've tried everything in my power to save this relationship. He is not to keen about allowing others to dictate our relationship but I'll try anything at this point.

Sandi - posted on 02/17/2010




Sweetheart you have to make the decision yourself. If someone makes if for you, you will be forever wondering if it the right thing. Ask yourself truthfully what feels right. Some people need the drama in a relationship to keep them focussed, for others it's just down right distructive. Keep in mind you only live once...but at the end of the day it's your life to live.

Just do what feels right regardless of whatever anyone says to you.


Gwendolyn - posted on 02/17/2010




Drama is fun and interesting when it is part of a TV program you can stop by just cutting off the TV. Consider that you are choosing to force your child to watch this reality show that is “Your Life”. In my opinion Love does not license lunacy. I stayed in an 8 year relationship with a guy who I loved until I finally decided I wanted a real relationship that I could count on being stable, loving, respectful, and something I would want my children to model after. Getting married does not fix unaddressed issues. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life on this roller coaster ride? If so.. then get counseling and get married. If not it may be time to look deep in your heart and find the strength to put yourself in a place in your life to be the kind of wife you want to be even if it is not to this boyfriend.

Kirsty - posted on 02/17/2010




i have read ur problem and because the mum thing to me is all knew and that but i have been in ur situtation and it's hard but one of my cousin's has always told me u and ur baby come first no-one else, but i learn from the best and thats my mum and she always say's 'follow ur heart and not ur head' but it's totally up to if u want to stay on the rollercaster of nowhere or get of the rollercaster for a better life!!!! i hope i've been a big help

Ann - posted on 02/17/2010




Therapy might be a really great option for both of you... Consider this he can work through his issues, you can learn to communicate better. And getting mad at what he says and not talking can be a big downer to the relationship. And if through therapy you decide not to be together... you might learn the skills you need to deal with issues for your son. Cause bottom line is you are tied together forever because of him and need to make things better for him.

That being said every relationship is different. I am a firm believer in timing is everything. If I had met my husband years before I wouldn't have been ready. Don't compare yourselves to others.. decide what is best for you and your son.

Good luck!

Laura - posted on 02/16/2010




Hey Reva, I agree with Rochelle...u have to do what is best for you and your child. I just ended a 51/2 year old relationship at the end of 2009. It was a decision I tossed back and forth for over a year. It was time and and I needed to start to gain control of my life and I longed for the strength to have the courage to say,"I tried to make this work,but I cannot do this anymore". I weighed the pros and cons and the cons won.He is still one of my best friends and we keep in touch but I had to end it.Do what is best for u.I know it is hard when our emotions are involved not to mention the length of time u have been with him.Follow your heart and do what u have to do.YOu guys sound so similar to us.Always cool for a minute then beefed out the next.Its alot of waisted energy that shouldve been given to the child.I got depressed at times and was just tired.Sounds like you ready to make a decision.What r u going to do Reva,continue this crazy ride on the rollercoaster or are you and your son going to get off.Good luck

Rochelle - posted on 02/16/2010




You need to decide what is best for you and your son at this time.. What makes you happy, if being much happier w/o him being with you is the choice then go with it.. I know how you are feeling I stayed in a not so good relationship for 5 yrs for the sake of the children, wrong idea, now 13 yrs later i'm truely happy with the love of my life, but my teenage sons still to this day remember all the fighting between me and thier father, and it has totally affected them. I wish I would have followed my heart long before I did. If you do believe you are to be together have you all discussed, counseling? Maybe just talking w/ another outside person and learning how to communicate better will help things too.

Krista - posted on 02/16/2010




There comes a time when you basically have to say to yourself, "S**t, or get off the pot." Obviously, you're not happy with the way things are right now, which is completely understandable.

So, you basically have to decide whether you want to put in the work to try to fix it, or if you want to walk away. If you want to fix it, then you'll BOTH have to put in some work, probably get some couples' therapy, and really work on communicating with each other. It won't be easy, but if you think it's worth it, then that's what you've got to do.

Whatever you do, DON'T get married right now. Not until you've got things worked out and are in a good place. For the sake of your boy, it is worth it to try to fix things, as long as your man isn't abusive or hateful.

And if your man isn't willing to do the work needed to repair your relationship, or if you're both putting in a good effort and it's just not working out, then it's time to part ways. You can still both be great parents to your boy, but maybe you're just not meant to be a couple. Only you can decide that.

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