Is it ok for my husband stepson(first son of his ex wife) to live with us?

Mia - posted on 06/25/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )




Hi I am 25 year old and I am expecting my first baby with my husband right now, but he has a 7 years old son with his ex wife which I love like my son, but now my husband wants to bring his ex wife first son in my house to live with because according to him he raised that boy when he was married with is mom and that boy call him dad so it will be unfair to take only his own son and not his brother as well, because he has the custody of his son. And now my problem is that boy is 13 years old and don't have respect for me, he doesn't listen to what I said and do as he want, and also tell his mom whatever happened in my house and she call my husband after that to complaint about "why did i punish her kids for some they did wrong because I am not they mom and I don't have to discipline them" or "why did her kids don't go outside to play" etc, she always complaint about something, and we both don't get along because she is treating me, insulting me, she just don't like me I understand because she really don't have to, that is why I also don't want her son to live with me as well because he is big enough and I don't wana give him some whoop for some that he did wrong. So I would like from some of you who have some experience to please give me some advice about this situation.
Thank you


Jodi - posted on 06/27/2013




" as a stepmother i will probably do the same thing to my own child if i have to"

But this isn't your child. That's my point. You need to find other methods of effective discipline. If you are resorting to whooping, and the reason you don't want the older boy around is because you can't whoop him because he is too big, then clearly you need some assistance with discipline methods for ALL of your children. Because even with your own children, that methods will eventually stop working (it is ineffective to parent through fear of hitting them anyway).

What you need to do is put boundaries, rules and clear consequences in place. I am a big believer in natural and logical consequences, as they link the punishment/consequence to the behaviour.

If I could clarify, is this about this boys actually living with you full time, or visiting?
And I would suggest that you ask your husband to deal with the ex AND to support you in disciplining this child, because it shouldn't be up to you alone.


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Mia - posted on 06/27/2013




I never bit the kids all I did is some spank to the (7 years boy) I never laid my hand on the Older one. And i did feel that was ok for me to do that because as a stepmother i will probably do the same thing to my own child if i have to, and when i talk about discipline i am only talking about respect and follow the rules of the house because I can't really change their behavior or force them do to as i said . All I want is just for me to be able to raise my kid and my husband kid the same way without any of them knowing the difference because I will never do anything to hurt somebody else kids if I don't want mine to get hurt.

Mia - posted on 06/27/2013




Thanks Angela, but my husband have only custody of his son (7 years old) which I don't have problem with because he is listening to me , but not the other one because he's not his, and that one have attitude with no respect and I think his mother is probably behind that, because she one time was on the phone with her kids and asked to talk to me since I knew how trouble she is and the fact that she does't like me I refused to talk to her and then she send her 7 years boy say "" and "B....." to me just because i refused to talk to her on the phone. And I am also pretty sure that she is the one telling the 12 years boy not to listen to me.

Angela - posted on 06/26/2013




I would be wary of taking in BOTH of these boys. Does their mother want to relinquish custody of them?

If she's viewing you as an enemy then your chances of a peaceful family life are quite small - especially if she can be an influence in the behaviour of one or both of these boys.

I'm sick of hearing all the crap about what a stepparent can and can't do in their relationship with their stepchildren.

But first of all, you (or anyone else) shouldn't be using physical violence, spanking (call it what you will) with ANY child in your care, whether biological or step. Other methods of discipline are pretty much OK as long as they don't involve emotional cruelty, violence etc .... If you're the adult who is providing care, food, clothing and shelter for these kids, you're in a position of authority and have a responsibility to correct their poor behaviour by discipline - which doesn't necessarily mean the same thing as punishment. Discipline is a way of teaching to show someone the error of their ways.

It's interesting to note that stepchildren the world over are fond of telling stepparents (when disciplined for wrong doing) "You're not my father!" or "You're not my mother!" However if the stepparent bakes cakes, helps them with their homework or gives them a ride in the car to some event they wish to attend - they don't suddenly protest with the old "You're not my father!" or "You're not my mother!" refrain! Isn't that weird? I would have thought that doing warm, caring family favours for a child was far more in keeping with the behaviour of a parent than punitive or disciplinary measures!

A friend of mine once gave his girlfriend's child a stern telling-off for some misdemeanour. The child said "Hey, you're not my father!" and the guy answered (grimly) with "And you're not my son!"

I wholehearted agree with Shawnn's advice to get a mediator involved. That would (hopefully) cut a lot of crap! Go for it!

Good luck!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/26/2013




If he adopted the child, he has accepted responsibility, no more so than if the child were his biologically.

Get with a mediator to establish who's responsibility it is for what, how the discipline should be laid out, etc. But, in agreement with Jodi, you should most definitely not lay hands physically on ANY of the children. If you choose to spank as your method of discipline with your own biological child, (and it is not unlawful to do so in the area where you are located) then, so be it. But the other two are NOT your biological children, and you have absolutely no right to physically assault them.

Michelle - posted on 06/26/2013




Why would he want to have custody of a child that isn't his? I understand that he was around when he was young but it's obviously been a while since he left his ex.

On the other hand i understand the Mother being upset, the child isn't even your husband's. I also wouldn't be happy about you doing all the discipline, if anything it should be mainly your husband but this child will eventually not listen to either of you because neither of you are his parents.

Jodi - posted on 06/26/2013




Well, to start with, you shouldn't be "whooping" anyone's kids. I'd be pissed at you too if you were doing that. You don't have a right to lay a hand on them. Of course he doesn't respect you if that's what happens when you are upset at him!!

Now, having said that, do they actually LIVE with you full time or are these custody visits?

Ev - posted on 06/25/2013




I am sorry that things do not work out with your step children and their mom for you. But if mom for any reason can not keep the kids with her your husband would end up with them anyway. He needs to sit down his ex and talk to her about what is going on and see what kind of compromise he can come to with her. He also needs to listen to you too and keep in mind the things that go on right now.

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