Erin - posted on 11/24/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )




looking for advice...my brother was arrested for some stupid mistakes last night and we are worried about how to tell his 4 year old son. my brother is almost 20 and is truely a good kid that has made some STUPID mistakes that have caught up with him. (please dont judge him) my sister and i just dont know how to tell his son that daddy will be gone for a few years. HELP we really need advice and encouraging words and support. we love our baby brother and this just really sucks.


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Kathleen - posted on 11/24/2009




i can understand how you are feeling right now and it sounds like this has only just happened and it can be so overwhelming and you feel you have to do something right away . while statusing also other ladys there is no call for bad language she is asking very politely for advice she is only concerned and yes i do have a child im not stupid the mother is going to need to know there are people out there that care about her and her son because after all its family as long as you dont act in a threatening way towards her you should all the support to mother and child and let the whole telling the child be something you talk about with the mother once its all died down and all you should say to the little boy is that even though dad isnt there you and your family of aunts uncles and nans and pops are there too and that they arent alone that is the most important thing for a child to know when they have lost someone being around 64 years is a long time it must be a very serious case and the mother might be feeling very vulnerable and angry right now

[deleted account]

yeah its up to mom how it goes.. you could nicely talk to her about still being able to see your nephew, but it is her choice how she explains, which you could offer suggestions but thats it.. i would try to keep comms with the mom so you can see the child and hopefully offer help in buying things and whatnot so that he's all set

[deleted account]

Obviously you need to talk to his mom! You should let him mom be the one to tell him anything about where his dad is. I would just make sure you ask your SIL, for lack of a better word, what she has told your nephew so you are all on the same page. If you are at odds w/SIL then try to explain that you & your family would still like to be a part of your nephews life and could aid her in caring for him, getting him things he needs, in your brother's absence! Since she will be a singe mom she may needs help getting all the things he needs for school, making sure he has a good christmas/birthday, etc. If she needs a night off or would like to go on a trip she can leave him with you or gramma...just let her know that you all are willing to help and be there for her and your nephew in their time of need while your brother is in jail. Whatever the ill feelings between you two are you need to let it go and step up or you will likely loose him! :(

Sharon - posted on 11/24/2009




You are SOL.

64 years is not a laughing matter, so whatever it was - was SERIOUS. You shouldn't be asking strangers about what to say to your nephew. You should be talking to the mother. Its HER perogative to tell him anything at all.

Besides - maing nice now will only help you stay in touch with the lil guy and stay on the mothers' good side. She owes you jack shit. You have no rights at all.

If my SILs decided to tell my kids something that major without talking to me first, they'd be in for some hurting and since they had proved themselves unreliable and prone to attempt to take my place, they'd be out of my kids lives.

[deleted account]

I'm sorry for your situtation. maybe talk to the mother and "ask" her for advice. if you give her the immpression that she knows everything it'll be easier to put "thoughts" in her head to let you see him. also since his son if four I'd run it by the mother that if the father wants visitation in jail maybe you could explain it as "he's in time out for doing bad things and when your in adult timeout it lasts longer the kid time out" then when he gets older you can explain further.

Amy - posted on 11/24/2009




What does your brother want? Does he want his son to visit him while he's in jail? I think that if your brother wants to have his son visit while he's in jail then someone needs to explain where he is. Since his son is only 4, you may want to leave out some of the details.

Your family should still have a right to see his son, Maybe you (and some of your other family members) sit down with the boys mother and try to come up with some sort of arrangement/agreement. If the mom doesn't want her son to know where his dad is, then you may have to agree not to discuss it with him in order to spend time with him. Also, if you decide not to tell him, you really should sit down with the mom and come up with what to say when he asks where his dad is. If he gets different answers from everyone then it will just confuse him.

I hope everything works out well for him!

[deleted account]

I take it you are not close with mom. You might try approaching her as someone that loves her son. But again go with what she wants as far as your brother is concerned.or risk losing him all together. I know it may be hard to bite your tongue when it comes to your brother and how you feel for him. But in essence you are losing your brother to jail is it worth losing your nephew to?
As hard as it may be you might have to let it go. I know from personal experience, with niece this is very hard!! My brother never stepped up to be a dad to her. My parents and I got to see her until she was almost a year and the mom got mad at my brother. And started refusing to allow us to see my niece. My hope now that my niece is older (almost 18) is that she might look for my brother or his family. And we can give her the love that we have for her.
I hope things work out for you!!

[deleted account]

If the Little Boy is with his Mom and being well taken care of. Then in My Opinion it is not your job to tell him about his dad it is the mothers. My Suggestion would be to talk to the mom so that you are all on the same page. If you all want what is best for your nephew don't go against the mom's wishes it is likely to make things more difficult for you and the dad in the future.
If mom will not allow visitation you can get a lawyer and seek visitation rights.

If the child is not being well taken care of by mom you do have the right to hire a lawyer and seek custody.

Erin - posted on 11/24/2009




he is facing up to 64 years if he is charged with all 8 charges no he will be with his mother but we feel it will interfere with our right to see his son

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