Life revolves around my stepson

Clairese - posted on 02/14/2018 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Does anyone else feel like their life revolves around their stepkid? I feel like I have no time to myself and any alone time with my husband. My husband works a ton so I'm usually the one taking care of my stepson. He's 12 years old almost but he has a lot of problems. He doesn't have any friends, so sleepovers are out of the question. He was assigned a sixth grade science project and was put in a group, he came home and told me he wanted all the credit for the project and all the other kids ideas weren't good enough. I told him that he needs to work together and share ideas, that it's not all about him. He came home the next day and told me they kicked him out of the group. He told me he's the only one in his class that is doing a project alone and he was happy about it. He has a bad behavior sometimes towards me and his dad and he's also clingy. He recently just got suspended off of his bus for 2 days for bullying some other kid. The list goes on and on. I'm just trying to figure out how I can focus on myself and be calm about everything. Ive had so many breakdowns and blow outs with my husband. I really need more time alone with my husband without all that. We lose connection because of all the stresses his son puts on us. I know he's just a kid and we love him dearly, but he's a tough one. We do things as a family and he spends time with his dad on his days off, but then there's my husband and i...the only alone time we get is when the kid goes to bed but by that time my husband is so tired he's just falling asleep and I'm tired too. The bio mom only takes ss during the summer. Other than that his grandparents take him sometimes but half the time we have to ask...i just feel like I need more in my life with my husband. Any ideas on how I could fix this?

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Michelle - posted on 02/19/2018

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You just have to be consistent and remind him of the rules in your house.
I did shared care with my ex and the boys would be terrible for a couple of days when they got back to me. I just kept reminding them of my rules and they eventually got used to it.
I knew I couldn't make my ex have rules and it was very frustrating but I now have 2 very respectful and well mannered teens.

Ev - posted on 02/17/2018

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Andrew--while it is your right to an opinion on things some of your post disturbs me.

1) {{ and the sons to old = I doubt he will see you as a motherly figure, rather just attempt to take advantage of you. + He knows if you don't go out and get him "the golden goose", he will go crying to his father & get you in hot water. (I don't know your background, but that seams to be the comen result, of this tipe of engagement) }}----Just because a kid is much older does not mean that they will not or can not see the step mother as a mom figure in their lives--where did you get the idea that this is the case? Also not all kids are looking for the golden goose and go crying to daddy about it to get the step mom in trouble with dad. There are so many ways things can turn out with step parents and kids.

2) {{father should deal with his sons rebelion; for if you do it, chances are you'll be damaged. & biological mother, dose not sound like she has much to do with her kid.}}----I agree that dad needs to deal with the child but there should be rules set in place prior to the marriage with the understanding that step mom does have some say in how things go in the home and the child should respect that and show it but the step parent always needs to earn the respect of the child==child should be respectful of the situation at best.
Oh, and I doubt much that this will damage the step mom...I am not sure what you are thinking on that portion of the post---she might have her feelings hurt and be upset but damaged is a strong word for that.

3){{Resulting in they only spawned because it seemed like the thing to do - unknowing that it's a life long cometment. }}---How do you know they just had relations just because and a child resulted from that? They could have been in a relationship prior....as you said you do not know the background. I do not either but there is the thing called "beneit of the doubt".

Franky, Andrew, a lot of this does not make sense and some of it does. It is hard on a kid to be in this situation because they have no control or say when parents get into new relatonships and remarried. It is hard for a kid to know where they will fit in the blended family regardless of step sibs or not when you are talking about just the step parents. Sometimes kids even as old as 12 and can understand things somewhat do act out because they do not know how to handle things or are afraid of what will happen if they ask things. KIDS ARE THE DAMAGED ONES--if the situation is that the parents and step parents are not meeting the needs of the kids. Also, it is hard for step parents to do much if the case is that the bio parents let the kids doe whatever until step parents enter the picture and then step parents try to get the kids to listen. And then the step parent is the bad person when they are trying to good things. Then there are those step parents that say the kids are bad when it is not the kids at all and it is really the step parent with the issues.....

Do you see where this is going? There are so many varied situations and it is not always the kid being the brat and getting away with things and/or a horrid step parent. You just do not know.

Angela - posted on 02/15/2018

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Blended families are very challenging and I commend you for continuing to reach out to help him and your family. Sounds like he's really having a hard time fitting in and getting along. Have you and your husband considered counseling and maybe some different types of testing to rule out any medical issues driving this behavior? The counselor at school might be a good place to start. I pray ya'll will be able to work this out and get him the help he needs so he can really thrive with his peers and at home and the family bonds be strengthened.

Michelle - posted on 02/14/2018

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You married a man with a child, you have to accept that you won't get a lot of alone time.
It's the same as couples that have children together. It's a part of life when you have children.

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Clairese - posted on 02/19/2018

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Thank you for all the replies. I realized I may have made myself sound selfish in this post but that wasn't my intention. I love my step son very much and know that his needs come before mine. The school counselor has been involved since 4th grade and he is now in an emotional/behavioral class. He has grown up and changed a lot but he still has his moments of frustrations and anger. I'm not quite sure what I can do. Him and I have a close relationship and he tells me everything and I've tried talking to him one on one about things that bother him and his dad talks to him as well along with his counselor and it has helped some but he still acts disrespectful and can't make any friends and i don't think it's because he is having a hard time adjusting to me. I thought that at first but as I watch him play with kids he likes to be the boss, he likes to call the shots and if they want to do something else he says no and if they don't listen he gets angry. He is an only child who did not have any rules or responsibilities. Very spoiled kid. I guess he may be having a hard time adjusting to the fact that he has chores now and has to learn to be more respectful and that not everything is about him. Does anyone have an idea of how I and his father can make him more of a respectful young man? Every time he goes to visit his mom he is even worse when he gets back. It's a never ending thing I guess.

Michelle - posted on 02/18/2018

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Ev, I would worry about replying or correcting Andrew too much. He seems to be a bit of a stalker here. He has sent me 2 PM's wanting to be friends. That's why I posted the thread to the new male members. Hopefully if we ignore him he will go away.

Andrew - posted on 02/16/2018

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Yep you will not get alone time, and the sons to old = I doubt he will see you as a motherly figure, rather just attempt to take advantage of you. + He knows if you don't go out and get him "the golden goose", he will go crying to his father & get you in hot water. (I don't know your background, but that seams to be the comen result, of this tipe of engagement) father should deal with his sons rebelion; for if you do it, chances are you'll be damaged. & biological mother, dose not sound like she has much to do with her kid. Resulting in they only spawned because it seemed like the thing to do - unknowing that it's a life long cometment. It's apparent they didn't feal that about there garbage as well. Then there's you who comes in New, and was taught & has values = trying to make it work

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