Losing a daughter......

Rhonda - posted on 03/06/2011 ( 7 moms have responded )




a year ago my daughter was in a mental hospital cause her father had just gotten engaged to a lady who has 4 children and moved them in and she started to cut and wanted to die. My daughter has lived with her father most of her life because I have been a cancer patient since she was 1 and do to the childhood shots I couldn't be around her much. but when she got older when daddy made her MAD she would move in with me till I stopped giving in to all she wanted, she wrote me on Myspace to tell me she was moving back with her dad which broke my heart and I swore I wouldn't do that again! Well I went to the mental hospital to see her which killed me to see her like that and she cried and begged me to get her out of there but she didn't want to go home with her dad! Now I was remarried at this time for 12 years!!! and she told me she couldn't go home with me if my husband was there, she wanted me to get an apartment just the two of us.. I thought for days if I could give up my life to save hers and of course it was hands down she was my daughter I had to choose her. So I went up to the town I worked in 30 miles from home and got an apartment got a friend to help me keep it secret, One early morning in May I moved all my personal belongings out and grabbed my dogs I left everything else behind!! I got the apartment set up went and picked her up and we had a ball for 3 months her and I by ourselves but inside I was dying cause I loved my husband and he missed me so we started talking behind my daughter, then I came clean and told her he was willing to go to counciling to learn to help her too and make her more comfortable! which we did, it was my daughters Ideal to finally let him move in to our apartment, which we have been in for 10 months happily! Well for the last 13 weeks I have been doing Chemo therapy and my daughter came out of the closnet and had a girlfriend that was into drugs bad!! and my daughter is against them but it was okay cause she liked this girl. anyway they broke up. Now she is seeing someone new and lying to this girls mom so they can see each other, My daughter is 10 days from 18 years old and I told her if she wanted to move so be it, she said she wanted to take the dog I told her no her dad is allergic and the dog don't know anyone there and she would get depressed and DIE. I couldn't see that happen to a dog she NEVER took care of anyway. So NOW she wouldn't speak to me at all. Then she posted on facebook for everyone to see that she HATED me and my side of the family and she was done with all of us that I was a liar and mutipulater and she was funiture I had been walking on for 18 years and I smoke pot. and yes like I said i have been doing Chemo for 13 weeks no hair and no appetite so yes i did. I also cleaned the house and went to work everyday so she had food and gas when needed!! she never one time came out of her room and said how was treatment mom? anything I can do for you? are you ok? How am I suppose to forget a daughter? how am I suppose to just let her go and not celebrate her 18th birthday or watch her graduate? HOW DO I FORGET. I don't understand what I have done wrong.... and out of everyone on both sides of the her family I excepted her decisions and never judged her and I totally fill like I was thrown away for a dog she even said she couldn't afford.. LOSS, HURT and confused


Christy - posted on 03/07/2011




You must be going through so much, I am sorry to hear all that is happened to you!

Your daughter is being manipulative and a bully. Asking you to move from your support system (husband) while you are struggling with cancer is reprehensible! She is acting like a spoiled brat-she doesn't get her way and runs to the other parent. And for her to post something so awful about you on facebook is unimaginable to me. How dare she? I know it is easy for me to say all this as I am not in your shoes and that you are really struggling with it. Let her make her mistakes and offer emotional support when she comes back-but DO NOT allow her to move back in with you, don't support her financially, etc. And when the opportunity arises, talk to her about how hurt you are by her behavior and lay it all out on the line.

I know she was in a mental hospital, don't allow that to make you cave to her every want and need, it sounds as if she will use that and blame you for why she was in there, when it was her own self doing. She needed to be there.

Take care of yourself and your husband. Period. And no, you will not forget your daughter, and no she will not stay away so I wouldn't worry about that. And as far as her graduating from school, you can go whether she likes it or not. So go, plant a smile on your face and give her a hug. If she refuses, fine. At least she will know you were there. Good luck, hon!

Mabel - posted on 03/06/2011




Rhonda I am so sorry and hate to even say but....it sounds like your daughter is used to getting her own way and when it doesn't she knows how to make you hurt.She is Spoiled and obviously needs to learn some of life's hard lessons and you giving in to her won't be the way to teach her those lessons.I am speaking from experience and the only way she will ever learn is to do it on her own with out the comfort of mommy or Daddy holding her hand and making everything better for her.Good luck honey.Maybe the counseling will be what she needs...

Jacqueline - posted on 03/06/2011




You haven't done anything wrong. As parents, we make decisions based on the circumstances at that particular point in time. Stop accepting all the blame and guilt!. Your daughter is almost 18. She is responsible for her actions and her life. You cannot make decisions for her or live her life. Give her support and love if she allows it but stop giving up your life for hers. I hope you and your husband got back together, she sounds as if she is very selfish to expect you to do all the giving. Stand up to her, it's called tough love.

Amanda - posted on 03/06/2011




I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I only have one child, and he is 17 months old, so...

As an educator and school counselor, I would say that what your daughter is doing/has done to you is atrocious! She sounds like a messed up spoiled brat! I am sorry, I don't mean that to sound harsh. It sounds like she legitimately has mental issues. She probably needs therapy and maybe even drugs, which she will have to take! It sounds like you have done a lot for her already. She is 18. She will be living her life soon no matter what, so don't put your life on hold for her! I wish you and your daughter/family the best!

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You don't forget. Of course you don't. She is your daughter and you love her and you WANT to be able to help her. Unfortunately, I don't think you can right now... if ever. It sounds like she has issues much deeper than you can deal w/ and the fact that she is about to be 18 means that you can't really do anything to help her unless she LET'S you.

If you are not in counseling... I reccommend going. It would be nice if you could get her to go as well, but that is up to her. You need help on how to cope w/ this and counseling can give you that help.

Stay strong and firm. Tough love sounds like your only option at this point. Good luck!!


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Iridescent - posted on 03/06/2011




She's being horrible. But she was raised with the world revolving around her, so her expectations have been met every step of the way. Sorry, but when you're the dictator, you get what you want and don't care about who gets hurt, just as long as it isn't you...and she has been raised to be the dictator. She really needed the inpatient treatment.

User - posted on 03/06/2011




Wow, you have a lot to deal with right now, and my heart goes out to you. It seems to me that your daughter lacks maturity, and has got used to the game of playing you off against her Dad to get what she wants. Maybe you need to not give in to her and give her some space. I'm sure she'll come around and make up with you.

When she does decide to come back and live with you, you need to set up some ground rules, such as she does her equal share of laundry, cooking, cleaning etc. If anything, she should be doing it all for you, not the other way round!

You need to focus on getting through your treatment and getting better. She will come around in her own time.

All the best.

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