Lost my only child HELP

Melanie - posted on 11/22/2013 ( no moms have responded yet )




I am still trying to learn my way around the website, so please bear with me. I got a phone call on august 10 from my ex saying that our son Ryan had a seizure. Ryan was on holidays at the time, staying with his uncle. I called my husband and told him, he rushed home and we caught the first flight out to Ryan. When we arrived at the childrens hospital they told us he had an AVM. I had never even heard of it before. I still don't totally understand it, but it is like a cluster of veins that don't allow the blood to flow properly. It had bled, so the blood was leaking in his brain causing seizures and strokes. He had surgery, but they couldn't remove the AVM because of where it was located. On the 12th he had an MRI which showed that his brain was 3/4 stroked. They told us he would pretty much be a vegetable if he survived. They were pushing the idea of taking him off life support, so that was what we chose. I could not bear to see him as a vegetable everyday, as that was what he was in hospital. We sat with him while he passed, it was only minutes. My whole wold is shattered beyond repair. I miss him so much. I miss him coming home from school and telling me about his day, and our conversations over dinner, I even miss how mad he would get when he had to do the dishes. It has been just over 3 months since he passed and this month has been far worse than the last. Around the 12th of each month I somehow relive everything that happened at the hospital. I can see him in the hospital, laying there, and there was nothing I could do. I wish I could have taken his place. Sometimes I get so angry, I am not normally an angry person, but when I am now it seems to take some of the pain away. I am scared of Christmas and his birthday (dec 28) coming, and it's not even December yet. I know with time it is supposed to get easier to cope, but what do you do in the meantime?

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