me and my bf argue over his kids and my kids, can some one help?

Alishia - posted on 01/28/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )




Hello ladies. My boyfriend and I have been living together for 2 years now. And about 8 months ago we started to argue over the kids. He has 2 children of his own from previous relationship and I have 2 children of my own from a previous relationship aswell. When his kids are over for the weekend we fight like crazy. He blames my oldest for everything. Mean while its clear as day to him and the people around us that if his kids (ages 8 and 3) so something wrong its immidetly my sons fualt. (Age 5) both his children are out of control and have no disapline or manors. Iv tried to show him how he can disapline and how we could make things work better between our kids. But its like he refuses to acknowledge that his boys ever do anything wrong. But when we go to the cottage with my family he won't bring his boys and he says bc they don't behave. I need help this is really taking a toll on our relationship. He tells me I hate his kids and its not true. When his kids are not here he or I never have to get after my kids. They have their moments but overall nothing more than talking back. Please any one have advice for me


Ariana - posted on 01/28/2013




Could you try to talk to him calmly about discipline methods? Although ultimately it's up to him how he wants to discipline his kids if it's effecting your son or getting him in trouble that isn't good either. Try to bring up the top 3 issues (either the worst or the most common, whatever seems most important to you). Not sure what it would be, but lets say it's 'backtalk' or something like that, ask him what you can both do if this situation comes up (and the other two issues). Try to find a discipline method that works for both of you, even if it's not necessarily what you'd like to happen.

So maybe you only want to focus on things that effect you or your kids personally, so them being rude to you or them, or doing a blatent violation of a house rule. Whatever it is come to an agreement with your husband, something he and you feel is fair.

Also be specific, so don't say, 'if they're rude' because that is open to interpretation. Say rude means, yelling, calling people names etc etc.

Once you do that right the rules out, that way you and he both agree on what you're going to do, and neither of you can forget what was said on both sides. So if so and so is rude he gets a time-out for 8 minutes, or he has to go to his room for 10 minutes etc. Once this is done have your husband sit all the kids down and explain the 'house rules' and explain what will happen if they are broken. It's up to him to start disciplining, and for you to be a support of following the house rules. If he doesn't discipline them you trying to is going to be ineffective.

If your oldest son is always being blamed for everything I would keep the children more supervised when his children are over. That way there's no he said she said he did this type thing, you can specifically say, my son was doing this, it was not involved in the situation (or w/e). If he WAS involved discipline all the children equally. If kids are fighting each child is responsible to fix the situation, not just one or the other. That goes for his kids to of course.

If you try to talk to him, and neither of you can agree on what should be done I would suggest seeking a couples councellor to get you both on the same page. You aren't in control of how they act all the time, but if they're in your home they should respect at least basic rules, and your son should not be blamed for everything if it is unjustified (of course you also have to look at how much he effects the situation and if he is part of it, or if he's able to get out of the situation and chooses not to, you could get him to walk away etc if he's in situations he shouldn't be). If he doesn't want to see a councellor try to let him choose the person so he feels more in control over it. You have to do something to get on the same page.

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