Missing the husband I married...not who I married to now.

Sarah - posted on 04/07/2015 ( no moms have responded yet )




All of my posts in the past month have been about my husband...and I wish I could say that..that has changed but unfortunately it has not. My husband returned home from North Carolina with the intentions of going back to his job and getting an apartment. He knows that he has to prove himself to me and he was okay with me staying at my moms until I felt comfortable enough to move in with him. 48 hours from returning home from NC my husband was had to 302 himself AGAIN so he could get back into the Pa Va system. He knew he could not be without his medications, and his next doctors appointment wasnt until the 14th of April. So he thought it would be easiest to 302 himself to get the process moving faster. I supported his decision. I dropped him off and he has been in the VA system for over a week. Apparently, there may have been some issues along the way because he thought he was getting out of the psych ward last friday. For the hundredth time he has told me that when he gets out pack his bags because he needs to go back down to NC. I am beyond frustrated at this point. He thinks running away from his issues is going to help of solve them.

When I spoke to the doctor and social worker last week...they finally asked me what has been going on. And I told them everything...from the alcohol abuse that my husband can't just drink a glass or two of wine he needs to drink the entire bottle...(that pertains to all alcohol)....and along with some other issues. I also told them that my husband is very smart he knows what to tell the doctors to get out. Almost a month ago he told me that we will get our marriage back on track..he will stay away from the substance abuse...and not even 4 hours later of getting out the psych ward the first time he was drinking a bottle of wine. It some way I felt like I was betraying my husband telling the doctor EVERYTHING...but I know I did what was best, when I told them what was going on there was complete silence on the other end.

As of now, my husband does not know when he is getting out of the psych ward. He calls his mother, more than he calls me. He told him mom yesterday he doesn't think he will be out until for another 20 days. When I do talk to him, he is angry I feel like he blames my family and I for everything. He told me that he may stay in Pittsburgh or go back down to NC once he gets out. He said he feels betrayed by my mom because she wont allow him to move back in with us. She doesn't trust him at this point in time...and that he hasn't done anything to prove we can trust him. And I can't say I don't blame her. I just miss how everything used to be.
He also called my mom evil, which really pissed me off..because my mom is a good person. She has done more for us than his parents have ever done. I know that a lot of him talking could be him just blowing off steam..but none the less it still hurts a lot.

Our one year marriage anniversary is the 19th of April...I know we will not be spending it together. Which really saddens me, but I know I wouldn't want to spend it with him the way he is now. I am really hurt...exhausted...and very disappointed with this entire situation. I am trying to keep myself busy...focus on our daughter..but in times of silence..times of aloneness'...I can't help but think of him.
The man I married last year isn't the man I am married to now.

My husband is bipolar....when he is at his best he is the sweetest...loving..generous man in the world. He would give the shirt off his back in the middle of a snow storm if it meant he was helping someone. I fell in love with that man...and I am still in love with that man. But the sadly enough the man I fell in love with and married last year as this moment does not exist. I am afraid that he may never return. I am scared and I feel alone. If he wants to leave...I will not beg him to stay..I will let him go. It will break my heart, but I can't make someone stay if they do not want to.

My mom has been my rock during this entire situation. And I can't thank her enough. Only a select few people know of my situation...I am embarrassed and ashamed.

Only time will tell what will happen.

Please give me your thoughts...and please send prayers our way...it would be greatly appreciated.

Ps: I know this has been a very lengthy post, if I gave you all the details you would be reading for days. If you need more information or get a better idea as to what is going on please read my previous posts. Thanks Everyone.

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