Mother In Law Problems - Fakes interest in my daughter to 'save face' with son

Sara - posted on 10/16/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )




Ok, I'm having ongoing problems with my absent mother in law.

Let's rewind real quick, so I can give a little bit of a back story. My husbands ex had a baby 4 years ago, when they were together. She AND his mother (my now MIL) both lied to him about it being his. He later found out with a DNA test that the child was NOT his after a year. His mother claimed that she was attached to the child, and didn't want to lose her being in her life. She continues to be a part of the childs life to this day. THAT is not my main issue, it's odd...but understandable I suppose.

Fast forward. While I was pregnant, his mother invited him on several occasions such as a birthday party, and other things involving the child. She also had relations with the Ex's mother, who contacted my husband trying to get him 'back' with the ex. Unbelievable. So, I made my MIL aware that I am not an idiot, and that I knew EVERYTHING.

Fast fast forward to the present. My daughter is 7 months old. MIL has seen her 2-3 times, and that's stretching it, because one of those time was in passing at a funeral. She has made little to no attempt to see her biological granddaughter, and it breaks my heart, not for me but for my daughter. Why should my daughter be second best, and not even that. I do not make efforts to see her, because why should I. She knows where I live, and that I am home everyday.

I was talking to my husband today, and he asked if she were to make an attempt if I would let her see our daughter. I told him I wasn't too sure. She is a liar, a sneak, and obv doesn't care to see her on her own accord without being pushed by her son. I don't feel like I should have to 'force' my child on anyone. Esp 'family'. He told me today when we were talking, that she hasn't made an attempt because she's ''had shingles''. Now, I'm not too familiar with shingles, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't last 4-5 months, at least not the contagious period...and even if it did, wouldn't that be something you tell someone so they don't assume you are avoiding them?

I don't know. I know that she favors the other child, who isn't biologically hers, over her own blood. I understand being attached and all, but ignoring family? I just think it's wrong, and I don't want her in my child's life AT ALL now. Am I wrong? Do I really want her sneaking visits between my child and the ex's? Because that is something she would do, and I can't be worrying, and SHOULDN'T have to worry when leaving my kids with family.


Chet - posted on 10/16/2014




Some people suffer with shingles for a long time. It can cause nerve damage and be extremely painful for weeks or months. An active shingles infection can spread the chicken pox virus, which is a valid reason to avoid contact with babies. Chicken pox has a much higher risk of complications in infants, and most vaccine schedules don't give the chicken pox vaccine until 12 or 18 months.

I believe that shingles is only contagious during the blister stage, which lasts days or weeks (not months), but your MIL might not know that... or she might just be in a lot of pain and not up for visiting. I went three months without seeing a guy I knew who suffered from shingles because he was pretty much housebound.

If you feel that your mother in law is a liar and a sneak though, it's possible that she's picked up on some tension between you, and doesn't feel comfortable reaching out for a relationship with your daughter. It's possible that she has a relationship with your husband's ex and her child because that mother worked at developing the relationship.

Whatever the case, I would resist the urge to compare your relationship with her other relationships, or to compare how she relates to this other child with how she relates to your daughter. It's not a contest. As much as people want things to be fair and equal, it's not always possible. Some people just click better than others, or have more of an opportunity to establish a strong connection.

My in laws appear to favour our older children. But we lived near them when our older kids were little. They don't know our younger children as well, and to be honest, they are naturally better with older kids than younger ones. I could get really twisted up about some of the things they've said and done, but I choose to understand why they do it, and to let it roll off as much as possible. They aren't trying to be malicious, and I don't think they realise what they're doing.

Your daughter is a baby. She doesn't care how much her grandma sees another child right now.

Forget the other kid, forget keeping score, and just decide how much or how little of a relationship you want your child to have with her grandma. Then work on fostering that level of closeness. Invite your mother in law over, drop in to see her, send her pictures, whatever. Don't wait for her to reach out to you if you want your daughter to spend more time with her though.

Or, if you don't want your daughter to be close with her grandma, be honest with yourself and you husband and accept the current situation as what you would prefer.

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