MUST I LEAVE HIM?

Nadia1976swannepoel - posted on 09/30/2018 ( 2 moms have responded )

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*CAUTION VERY LONG POST AHEAD*

Mommies, wives, friends, I am to my wits end and really need your HONEST opinions. It feels like sometimes everything that I am experiencing is in my own head and that I am making a big thing out of nothing HOWEVER I am writing this post tonight to hear for you how you are feeling about the situation. I’m 32 years old, married to a good-looking guy and have two gorgeous children with him. We’ve been together for 12 years and married for nearly 9 years. My life is nothing out of the ordinarily. I am a hard-working mom, have a beautiful family. We have normal work weeks and our weekends are spent with our family making memories. I am Pretty happy – well most of the times expect for one aspect in my life. I do not feel LOVED by my husband…

This is the weird part of our marriage. We have a good marriage. We are best friends. We laugh together, and we seldom have blown up fights like most couples we know. He is a very laid-back guy with very little hick-ups. What you see is what you get type of guy. He is honest, very trustworthy and very loyal towards me and his children.

The problem is that my love language has always been Physical touch, ever since I can remember I was always the little girl who would run to every grown up at a family get together and hand out free hugs and kisses. His love language is quality time. His quality time he gets every single weekend because our kids are still very small we prefer spending time with them at home or taking them to the park. I also feel that he gets more than enough of my quality time in that regard.

One of the biggest problems that we are both aware of and very guilty of is a lack in communication about our marriage. We will talk about everything in the world, from the children to our businesses but never about our marriage and I do not know why? Because of this huge communication problem so many emotions get caught up in my head that I am actually at the point of leaving him after 12 years.

The biggest issue I have in our marriage is the fact that he will only, and I mean ONLY ever touch me when it is time for sex. In our marriage there is no but no other physical contact what so ever. This is eating me up from the inside as I feel used. I feel like I am only good for one thing. I feel like we are here only to raise the kids and every now and again get some sort of sexual relief (something all of us need sometimes I know) but am I wrong for feeling so strong about this matter that I want to leave him about this?

To answer the question, you will all ask me: “Have you spoken to him about this before?” We’ve been for counseling twice. And we had about 100 conversations about it in 12 years. He is FULLY AND TOTALLY aware of my feelings and my love language but choose to ignore it.

Now here is the scary part:

It is not as if he is not an affectionate person! He cannot give enough love and kisses to kids. He begs them more cuddles. He’s a great dad. 😊 but why not with me? It is not as if he is the type of guy to stay with a lady if the sex was bad, he is not like that – he will not marry someone like that. When we have Sex or make Love (It’s not the same thing ladies) it is great. Every time, but sometimes weeks go by where nothing happens and then it is no physical attention or sex for weeks! I feel like I am invisible for weeks. Then he will touch me when HE thinks it’s time again and then I feel ok again until the next time.

The emotional roller coaster of frustration, hurt & invisibility is busy eating me up and I really feel that I need to get out of this marriage now before we are both 60 and my whole life was wasted begging for my own husband’s love.

Am I making something big out of nothing? Am I over-reacting for wanting to leave him?

Please help.

xxx

2 Comments

View replies by

Beth - posted on 10/10/2018

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Nadia:
Of course you're not making something out of nothing. You've been with a life partner for 12 years and the relationship isn't emotionally or physically fulfilling or satisfying for you. That's not "nothing". It certainly is "something".
From your post, I understand two problems
1) "... he will only, and I mean ONLY ever touch me when it is time for sex." You want more physical affection, and you're not getting it. And,
2) "One of the biggest problems that we are both aware of and very guilty of is a lack in communication about our marriage."
The second of these problems makes the first unsolvable. If you can't resolve this you will either have to learn to live with things the way they are, or leave him. I wouldn't recommend either.
You say that you have been to counselling twice (Twice in 12 years doesn't seem like determined effort to me, but I clearly don't see the whole picture). But it's clear that it hasn't worked. After 12 years, beautiful children with a man you admire, I suggest you go again (and again, and again), until you and he understand WHY he doesn't give you the physical affection you want and deserve. You have to be ready for some potentially brutal truth's. He might just not love you anymore. If he does, and he understands that he isn't giving the woman he loves what she need, then you both need to understand why and how to work on that.
Personally, I'd stay in counselling until I thought that I had resolved the problem, or understood the problem and concluded that it couldn't be solved, or that the problem simply can't be understood. I'd only remain in the marriage under the first condition. Under the last two, I'd leave. Oh, and early in the counselling sessions, I'd be sure my husband understood my thoughts and what the stakes were. You might not like the outcomes, but I believe it's better than another 12 years not knowing.
Good luck and know we're all pulling for you.
Beth

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