My 10 year old daughter doesn't know about her biological fahter!!

Mechelle - posted on 12/30/2014 ( 14 moms have responded )

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Hello Ladies, I need some sound advice!!

I have a 10 year old daughter that knows absolutely nothing about her biological father. She actually thinks my husband is her dad. My husband has been in her life since she was about 2 years old so she knows no differently. Together my husband and I have two children together. He had a son before we were married so altogether we have 4 children. The bio father and I already have a visitation agreement that was put in place by a judge when my daughter was 2 years old but he never went through with it. The original order was that he had to come to my house and spend a few hours with her until she became familiar with him and until I, as the mother, was comfortable with him being alone with her and we gradually work towards overnight stays. Recently, the bio father contacted me via facebook and asked if he could be apart of her life. Although I wish he would just fall off the face of the earth I told him "ok". He ended up calling my house and he got very rude with me because my schedule and his schedule always collided. He told me that he feels I should work with him and meet him halfway. Of course, I don't feel this way because he has been absent for almost 8 years and I've tried several times to contact him, invite him to bday parties and just be apart of her life...but to no avail. Well, my husband heard him yelling at me on the phone so he stepped in and had a few words with him. We told him that we could work it out but because we had family plans it would be two weeks later before we could actually meet. Well, needless to say the bio father went to court. We didn't go before the judge (which is the same judge that put the first order together) because I agreed to go to mediation. He is requesting to get her every other weekend and sometimes during the week. I personally feel that is a bit much to start her off with. Even after 10 years what if there is a time when she doesn't want to go with him....should she be made to? She is suppose to meet him for the first time on the 5th of January but the bio father doesn't want my husband to be there....he just wants it to be me, him and our daughter. Ummm...I'm not too sure about that and I don't think my daughter is going to want to go without her "Dad"....is that wrong? I'm trying to figure out a way to tell her. I want the relationship she has with my husband, the one that has been taking care of her, to stay strong. OAN: when he was living in another city he wanted nothing to do with her but now that he is trying to be a politician for our local city I believe that all he is trying to do is clean up his "mess". He is also married now with three other children. Two by his wife and one by someone else. He is not a bad guy, he is just sneaky and I don't trust him.

How should I tell my daughter? What should I do about the visitations? Should I have gone before the judge verses going to mediation? How long should he come around before she goes away with him? Not only and I worried about how this is going to affect her but also our other children.

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Mechelle - posted on 01/05/2015

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Just an update....I told my daughter about the situation and she was very upset that my husband was not her biological father. She stated she was also glad I told her now that she is able to understand. She stated she would like to meet him but she wants me and her father(my husband) to be there with her when she does. However, the bio father does not want my husband there when they meet...so that's the next issue at hand now and we are suppose to meet in two hours! Smh

Mechelle - posted on 12/30/2014

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No I have not talked to my daughter. She will be home tomorrow and that's when I will talk with her.

Mechelle - posted on 12/30/2014

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I tried to contact him every birthday she had up until she was 6 years old. I invited him to birthday parties! I messaged him on Facebook. I texted him but all he wanted to talk about was he and I verses his daughter. One thing about me, I'm not going to FORCE ANYONE to be apart of my childs life!!! I should have told her from the start that she was able to understand but I would NEVER run him down to try and force him to be there for her. I tried enough!! If he wanted to be there he would have been. But now that he is trying to become a politician he is trying to clean everything up and even as of today i am STILL open to him being in her life. Mind you as I mentioned there in a visitation order that he has YET to abide by!!!

Mechelle - posted on 12/30/2014

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I am not making excuses!! This is my life!! I have never dealt with a situation like this and that's why I'm reaching out! However you can excuse yourself if you are going to be judgmental and insensitive. I did what I thought was right at the time. I never tried to keep my daughter away her father made it his CHOICE to stay away. I didn't mention him to her after she was four years old because I didn't want her to feel disappointed. Thank you for your comment but you can keep them to yourself. Thank you!

Mechelle - posted on 12/30/2014

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As mentioned when my daughter was 2 a judge put together a visitation plan but the FATHER never went through with it! I didn't have a problem with it! I have reached out to him several times but he never came through and I felt like she would be very disappointed. If he wanted to be a part of her life in her early years I would have definitely mentioned him to her again.

Mechelle - posted on 12/30/2014

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I told her about him when she was 4 years old and at that very moment she wanted to speak with him. I contacted him for her BUT he wasn't interested. He said he would call her later but he never did. Of course, I never again mentioned him to her after that. We just had mediation about a week ago and I didn't want to put all of that on her around the Christmas holidays. I wanted her to enjoy it without any extra worries. Again, I told her at the age of 4 and tried to contact him but again...to no avail. We didn't sign anything in mediation but we agreed that on January 5th she would meet him, two weeks after she will meet him and his wife along with my husband being there, two weeks after that she will meet her siblings and he doesn't want anyone where other than him and I when she meet them. After that we are suppose to go back to mediation and plan the next "phase" of this relationship.

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