my 14 year old daughter wants to stay in care rather than come home to me

[deleted account] ( 6 moms have responded )

my 14 year old daughter got put into care over a year ago and now I am back with her real dad she doesn't want to come home and would rather stay in care but her real dad hasn't done anything wrong


Ariana - posted on 07/18/2013




The situation is fairly vague. My advice would be to get into family counselling with her to work out what's wrong. I'm sure she must have some valid reasons or concerns, or at least feels she does, that need to be worked out.

Talking to a councellor will help you both get what you want to say out on the table and will hopefully give you and her the answers you need to figure things out.

Good luck!


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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/23/2014




Well, that's basically what it means in the US as well, foster care.

Since OP did not ever come back to clarify, we'll never know.

I still say that the "her real dad hasn't done anything wrong" throws up red flags for an abusive situation at home...

Angela - posted on 01/23/2014




In the UK, going into "Care" means a child of dependent age (usually any age under 18) is removed from their parents' care and placed in a children's home, group home or with foster carers.

The possible reasons for this are many. Yes a parent, step-parent, family member etc ... could have carried out some form of abuse or neglect causing suffering. But also there are parents who have health issues of their own that are unable to look after their offspring - this is usually temporary but could be long-term or short term.

An increasingly worrying reason is the teenager who tries to milk the system. This is usually a result of having a peer within the Care system. Children in "Care" often get more pocket money than children living with parents and also they often get more freedom than other kids. Some children (particularly teenagers) deliberately seek to be placed in Care.

This might involve breaking the Law in petty ways a few times, acting up at school so the school asks them to leave, even making allegations against parents, schoolteachers etc .. The thing about allegations is that even when the authorities know fine well that it's a pack of lies, they feel that the child/teenager must be disturbed and in need of psychological guidance - so into Care they go!

I knew someone whose daughter was put into Care following sexual abuse. For over 10 years she lived with foster carers. Her mother had long since split from her husband that did the abusing. And she saw her mother regularly.

At 16 she was allowed to make her own mind up where she wanted to live. She wanted to live with her mother and said so. Her mother had built up a very good relationship with her daughter over the years and regretted marrying the man who was the abuser (her child's natural father, by the way). However, her mother wasn't anywhere near as materially wealthy as the foster carers.

The woman with whom this young girl lived said "Fine, if you want to live with your mother I can't stop you. But don't be expecting to take your stereo system with you, your leather coat etc. etc ....

The Social Worker dealing with the case also said to the natural mother "Hey we can't stop your daughter moving out from her foster family's home and back in with you and if she wants to do this we'll support you both ..... BUT do you think you're being fair to her when they can give her so much more ....?"

Because this woman wasn't an especially close friend, I'm afraid I don't know the outcome of this story.

But never be too quick to judge. Or jump to conclusions.

Kristi - posted on 07/18/2013




What is "care?" Foster care? In-patient treatment facility? Group home?

Your vagueness thrown in with the little "but..." at the end, doesn't make it very easy to offer helpful or thoughtful advice/suggestions. I can tell you my knee-jerk reaction/assumption, is that a stepdad was sexually inappropriate with her and you chose him over your daughter, in one way or another and now she doesn't trust you for anything.

But, that's just me making shit up. Care to clarify?

Jodi - posted on 07/17/2013




Yeah, I'd have to ask why she was taken into care in the first place. That could have something to do with it.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/17/2013




Why was she put into care? Perhaps she feels that her particular needs are being met better in the program than they would be at home?

And I'm not sure what you mean by "her real dad hasn't done anything wrong". Why would that even be a concern, unless there is a question about physical or sexual abuse?

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