My 20y/o just wont step up.....

[deleted account] ( 6 moms have responded )

MY darling daughter, has a darling daughter of her own who will be 4 in july. They have lived with us all of my grandbabys life, except for 6 months when mom decided she wasnt done living it up. Myla stayed with us while mom ran wild. You name it mom was doing it, she claimed she was going to try to make a life for them while she had this freetime. Well since the day Myla was born my kid had trouble taking the bull by the horns, she has some issues of her own, that are now being addressed thankfully, but at that time she was in denial of these problems. She did then and even now still, stays out all nite, then comes home and sleeps. Myla is left in my care. If I try to force her to step up, Myla pays the price with moms anger, and well honestly I want to say it seems like hatred, that she has to parent. She chose to keep her, I told her I would support whatever decision she made and she made this one, knowing that we are having a tough go financially. She used to leave in the middle of the night to hook up with men, dragging myla with her. I was working overnites at the time so was unaware she was leaving. Grandpa works hard all day so when he sleeps he hears nothing, outside the bedroom. Eventually, I quit my job because mom had left home and left myla with us. Mom has since moved back, just 2 months ago but has not changed her ways much except that she doesnt drag Myla out in the middle of the night. If she goes anywhere now its early, but of course she leaves myla with sitters. I finally just said if it comes down to anouncing on FB to your friends that you need a sitter and me, just know I am first choice. Some of her "friends" are questionable and some have criminal records, and she doesnt care who watches myla as long as she can run wild. I dont mind caring for myla really in fact I prefer it. Mom behaves like she is Mylas babysitter more so then her parent. Bad sitter yes I know but its the only analogy I could think of. I used to contact the county about this, but all they tell me is as long the child is being taken care of there is nothing they will do. We let mom move back because honestly she was on a downward spiral messed up in pills so bad she wouldnt remember coming out here to visit myla she would lose weeks at a time. She seems to have done well with the drug issue but the parent issue stil eludes her. She doesnt work manipulates people into paying for her gas and other wants. Short of food shelter and basic survival needs we do not support her at all. We do support myla because no one else will. Its just the right thing to do. Honestly, I regret letting her move back because, she is not a productive or responsible person at all. She wont clean or cook, barely takes care of myla when she is here and awake. She shows no signs of working on this either. She says she knows shes messing up, she always says she knows, well knowing and caring are 2 different things and she doesn care that she is setting a bad example for her child and probably forming a relationship with her that will later be very strained and maybe even distant. Myla comes to me for everything, because she knows her needs will be met...and not with venemous anger. I will continue to do for myla what mom refuses to do, that is my job. I dont resent having to take care of myla I love it, I just wish mom would really see what it is she is doing and try to fix the damage before its to late.

This conversation has been closed to further comments


View replies by

Bobbie - posted on 05/02/2012




The difficult to hear truth is that you have enabled your daughter to stay out of control. There are no consequences for her actions. Her daughter doesn't suffer or go without. She has a built in ATM, food store and babysitter. What's to change about that gravy life? As her mother she gets to hand her off too often and now knows that if she gets angry you will step in and take over, exactly the ending she wants, because she gets to step out. You know that we have all made mistakes with our kids when they were little, yelled a little to loud or pushed them, things we aren't proud of doing, but it happens. Your daughter will make mistakes, as we all did. She will also put men ahead of her daughter as long as she has that ATM, food store and built in babysitter. Letting her move back in and move out whenever she wants and allowing her to hold you hostage by using her daughter as a bargaining chip is horrible for everyone involved. Your granddaughter is 4, that is far from being a baby and she hears and understands everything. No matter what she hears, no matter if she clings to you, there is no one that will replace her mother. Many emotionally damaged children have become that way because they were taken from their mothers. If you daughter lived in a cardboard box and had nothing but crackers to eat your granddaughter would still thrive better being with her than with a dotting grandmother who allows her mother to come and go in her life without responsibility to care for her.l But your daughter can't gain the self esteem to be a good mom if she has always had you jumping in to play mom. Take a step back. Let her take her daughter and make her way. Don't accept her moving back in with you. Tell her after she makes a go of it and needs help that the "give me bird died". That if she wants you to take the little girl then by all means she can live with you BUT you want her to sign custody of her over to you. If you stick to your guns and stop playing wishy washy with what you allow and do not allow you will get resolution without a lawyer.

[deleted account]

I have kicked her out numerous times....she says where are we going to go, I cant legally stop her from taking Myla, she knows this and uses it to manipulate us. Unfortunately we just do not have the money to fight for custody even temporary custody. So since I worry what will happen to Myla she stays. I am grateful for the input really I am, but I think I needed to vent more so, then actually do anything at the moment. Like I said the county wont help and filing court papers costs money, so for now, this is where I am stuck. I just needed to take a load off my brain today. Thank you all so much. I forgot to add that she said she would look for work and help out more around here, if she moved back. Of course we knew she was just saying what we wanted to hear with no real follow through to come. Like I said she was so messed up on pills...I was afraid death would be the outcome as they were script pills and not hers.

Alison - posted on 04/25/2012




It must be so hard to see your daughter living her life like this. I agree that kicking her out may be the best answer. You could add on some conditions to returning (going to school or getting a job and quitting the drugs, etc.).

Hopefully your daughter will smarten up soon enough. She is still young.

Myla is so lucky to have you. :)

Medic - posted on 04/25/2012




You know what you need to do, throw mom out. Keep Myla and show her what real love is.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms