
Jazmine - posted on 02/28/2014 ( 87 moms have responded )
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Hello, I joined circle of moms because I really need help or advice on this matter. My 4 year old is in pre-k and she is very friendly with a little girl that is not always nice to her. I have talked to the little girls mom (because she is a teacher in the school) and the mom talked to the little girl and the little girl started being nice. But today it happened again, my daughter says hi and the little girl ignores her or walks away. This boils my blood! Me, my husband and other family members have told my daughter that she has plenty of friends (because she does) and that if someone is not nice to her, then not to bother with them (if they're not nice to you don't be nice to them.) But she keeps on trying to talk to the little girl. I can't stand anyone being mean to my little girl and I'm trying hard not to stoop to a kids level(by telling something to the little girl) I don't want my little girl to let anyone be mean to her or have her feelings hurt. I want to get through that she doesn't need to be friends with people that are like that. What can I do to get the message across? How should I handle this? This is my first child.
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â« Shawnn âªâ«â« - posted on 02/28/2014
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Does she act like her feelings are hurt? If she wants to be nice to someone, LET HER! Its better than the alternative of "if she's mean to you, be mean to her". She's actually showing some very advanced social skills at the age of 4, if she's already got the 'kill 'em with kindness' attitude.
I was nice to everyone, too. Regardless of their response. If they chose to be rude, or ignore it, that's their loss. I, at least was nice, polite, and inclusive, regardless of whether or not they were.
You've told her that she doesn't 'have' to be nice to this young lady, so you've given her her options. Let her make the decision on this one. So far, it sounds to me as if she's doing alright.
Andrea - posted on 03/03/2014
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"If they're not nice to you, don't be nice to them"?? Where did you learn that? It sounds like horrible advice. Sorry, I know she's 4, and I wouldn't want my kids to get hurt feelings from other people either...but even good friends are sometimes mean! You definitely need to KEEP restraining yourself from saying anything cruel to the other little girl! You are a grown up. As far as dealing with this particular girl, I think I agree with everything Sasha S. said below...set up playdates with good, polite friends during non-school hours...no need to see her when not in school. But if your daughter wants to be nice to the girl at school, let her be nice to the girl at school...not, like, "I'll give you my whole lunch" nice, but if she wants to say hi, no reason to stop her!
Mysti - posted on 03/04/2014
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Honestly, it sounds like your girl has a better handle on this than you do. It's tough to watch other kids be mean to yours. But try to think of this as an opportunity for her to learn valuable social skills. We can't control how other people treat us, but we do get to choose whether someone else's treatment of us ruins our day/week/life, or if we can see it as a chance to show kindness to someone else who may need it. I think your girl will be just fine. :)
â« Shawnn âªâ«â« - posted on 02/28/2014
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In that case, you need to tell her that when L doesn't feel like playing, or responding, she needs to accept that L isn't in a good mood, and find another friend to play with for the day. Explain how people can be in a good mood one day, and a not so good mood the next day, and if L is in a 'mean' mood, your daughter should just find another friend. I wouldn't discourage her being nice to L, and I wouldn't discourage the interaction. But, as Gena said, she's 4. One day they're fighting tooth & nail, the next, they're besties...repeat often.
Julia - posted on 03/04/2014
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She will probably be in school with this other child for many years. I recomend you avoid having anymore conversations with the other mother. Kids are fickle, friends this week, not friends next week, friends again by Friday. Parents are far more emotional about these issues then the kids are. You end up with animosity between the adults and the kids are over it. Have conversations with your own daughter about what makes a good friend and which of her friends have those qualities. Make outside of school play dates with kids she gets along with on a more consistent basis to facilitate those relationships. However some of this is par for the course developmentally.