My 5 yr daught resents BF, we always have fun but shocked him saying"You don't care about my mom",

RJ - posted on 12/20/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )




I would so love your input Mom's. I am divorced going on three years. My last BF was a very kind man of one year. He was very kid friendly, very affectionate and my daughter loved him. We broke up and she was very very sad. She has been talking about him a lot lately and telling my current BF of 8 months that she likes my past BF more than him. We have every other weekend with her. This past friday, we went out for ice cream, had a great time and then she mentioned again how she liked my other BF more than this one. But the kicker was this Sunday. We had a fabulous day. We stayed at his house, woke up and she and I made cookies all day, then I made us dinner, and we all went to the local zoo for Christmast lights. She said she had a blast. Then when we got back to his house, she was bouncy and happy, and then they were in teh living room, I was in the kitchen.. and she wanted to watch something that she didn't get, and then she said to him..., "you don't care about my mom" This really bothered him. He is very concerned that she would say such a mature thing at such a young age and feels she may be carrying something very heavy in her heart. I am totally lost, not knowing how to handle this. Please share you thoughts, ideas, experiences.


Merri - posted on 12/20/2010




For what ever reason your daughter does not like him as much as the last boyfriend. I think thats ok. She is expressing her feelings. I am not saying she should be allowed to say hurtful things but she should be allowed to express how she feels. Maybe you should ask her why she feels this way, or why she says those things. I wouldnt write off what she is saying, I certainly wouldn't punish her for what she is saying unless she is being disresepctful. Her simply stating she liked the other guy more is no reason for timeout or punishment in my opinion. I would talk to her first and see why she doesnt like him so much or what makes her say those things, I would talk to her in private too because if he is around she may not say what she really feels.

Louise - posted on 12/20/2010




You have to put a stop to this and fast. Sit her down and tell her about hurting peoples feelings. Really instill into her that she can not go around saying things like that and that this man loves her very much. Does she spend alot of time around her dad is he implanting things into her head because this is not normal behaviour for such a young child. Do a bit of investigating and then you will have to play hard ball and punish her for being spiteful. Good men that are willing to take on a woman and child are hard to come by, and by being told that you are second best all the time is going to have impact on the relationship.


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It may be a way for her to exert control. She had no control over the fact you and her father split, then when you and your last boyfriend split I bet he disappeared and doesnt see her anymore. To her, he was there for a year, if she is 5 now, I am betting she was 3ish when you started dating and remembers nothing different. My parents divorced when I was young and I remember how helpless you feel, you want to keep mom happy at moms house, dad happy at dads house, rules are never consistent, no matter how hard parents try they are never 100% amicable (kids hear the sighs and the things parents say when you think they are asleep). It affects all children differently, and while I think you need to talk to her about not saying rude things, etc... and being considerate of others, I definitely agree the two of you need alone time. Not saying it will happen, but can you guarantee your child this man is the man you want to spend your forever with?? The only thing that will be consitent is you, thats all you can guarantee her, she needs to learn to be able to discuss issues, etc.. with her. Also, I don't think its wrong to involve him in her life, I think its worse to hide it (I wouldn't suggest bringing her out on th first date or anything but when the time is right...), but remember its all how you present him. Just explain to her that him and mommy are friends who like to spend time together, she needs to know no more, and dont make it that he is always around on weekends, just make it more causal so she doesn't form such strong attachments until you are sure. Good luck and best wishes :)

Amanda - posted on 12/27/2010




Have you asked her why she is saying these things? I am not accusing, but maybe she has seen or heard something that is making her feel this way. You don't want to discount her feelings. Now, she also may need to learn what can be said around everyone and what she should maybe say only to you. Boundaries are important, but so are your daughter's feelings.

Michelle - posted on 12/27/2010




I would suggest counseling children at that age don't understand the ins and outs of grown up relationships. Maybe spend more one on one time with her without the new bf as well don't exclude him completely but maybe she is mad at him for replacing the last one and isn't willing to give him a chance. I would also talk to her bio dad and see if they are having any issues with her at home maybe something has happened in her life that has caused her to start acting out.

RJ - posted on 12/20/2010




Thank you mom's. These are all really good ideas. I will implement them immediately.

Danielle - posted on 12/20/2010




I agree with Louise.
She is at an age where she should start being taught what is appropriate and what is not to say. When she is visiting maybe try to spend the entire weekend just you and her and take that time to explain that what she is saying is hurtful, and inappropriate.
I would also try different methods to discuss her displeasure. Try buying her a journal. Tell her that whenever she feels angry or sad to write it down in the journal and then you two can discuss it at the end of the day. That way you are not completely discrediting her feelings for the "sudden change of scenery" about the people in her life. Make sure that you make it clear that if she has a problem to address it like a big girl, and approach you in private (or in a public situation her journal) to address the situation.
If all she has to say are mean comments then I think you need to sit her down and explain that the other man (your ex) is not coming back. That she is saying very mean things and that if it continues that she will be given time-outs or toys taken away. This will be her warning.
Have you given her any time to adjust to this new boyfriends presence? Have you starting living together soon after your last break-up?
You need to consider that a 5 year old is just that. 5 years old. Introducing new people into her life will impact her. Maybe she is experiencing some jealousy towards this new man. She was comfortable with your ex- and now has to adjust to another human being taking mommy's attention.

Amber - posted on 12/20/2010




I agree with talking to her about hurting feelings. Explain to her that it is not nice. And maybe try to explain to her that all the fun things you are doing are because he cares about you both and wants to see you happy. When she's mean to him, tell her that you won't be doing something else fun that you he had planned.
I don't think harsh punishment will make her feel any less resentment towards this man though.
I also wonder if she is just not ready to be introduced to the men in your life. I know that it is too late now, but maybe making more time for just you and her and trying to limit the time she spends with him might help. Let her slowly get used to him.
I've never been in this situation, so I'm not sure my advise helps. But I hope it does.

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