My boyfriend will not claim our child...

Emily - posted on 07/01/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )




Hi, I'm 21 and I just had a baby boy 6 weeks ago, Quinn. The problem is going to take some background information first to explain. In August of last year I was just coming out of a year+ relationship with an abusive man. I fell into the arms of a friend (new friend of 3 months or so) who is my boyfriend now currently. By "fell into the arms" I mean that we were intimate immediately, within 20 days, of leaving my ex. I was told I was pregnant on Sep. 8th while I was in the hospital for another matter, they said the levels of the pregnancy hormone showed I was 1-2 weeks pregnant. That matched up exactly with the time me and my now boyfriend had relations and also with my ovulation. The entire pregnancy I dated my boyfriend, but he never believed it was his child. He is convinced that the timing was too close for me to KNOW that my son is his.
He is 35 years old, has 3 children by his ex wife, whom he has full custody of due to her being a drug addict and a very bad influence on them. He pays for everything, and despite having a good career, struggles with that on a monthly basis.
When I gave birth to his son 6 weeks ago, I knew right away. There are many physical similarities between them, more than I could make up in my own head (others have confirmed their resemblance)
I love him very much, but I am at my end with this. He still says it is not his child, and as soon as we can afford it we are going to get a paternity test. I know what it will say, and I can not wait and wait until he has enough money to prove this, what is that is 6 months from now! I NEED him to step up and be there for BOTH of us.
I don't know what to do. Seeking a paternity test through child support will cause him to pay a lot of money and also put him in the system for payments. That is not what I am trying to do at this time.
I am seeking advice on how to deal with this... I thought of giving him an ultimatum such as you have X amount of time to come up with 1/2 the test price (i'm the other 1/2) or I'm out of your life. But I want him to know Quinn, no matter what happens to our relationship. I want my son to have a father and I don't want to push him away. It is getting difficult to be patient though, and I am so stuck as to how to keep handling all of this on my own.

Please help! Experience with anything like this, sensitivity, and/or real advice would be greatly appreciated.

XOXO Emily


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Ev - posted on 07/01/2014




I have to agree with Shawnn on this one. You need to get support for this child regardless of which man is really the father. You guys chose to do this and now you are going to be raising a child together for 18 years. He should have thought about having more kids if he had 3 already.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/01/2014




"I can't do the child support thing, knowing he is supporting his kids on his own I can't put that financial burden on top of that all. I guess I just have to be patient for him to come up with his half of the money I guess"

Um, excuse me? But he was as eager to play around as you were. The responsibility is 50% his, should the paternity test prove out.

You 'being patient' is going to equal out to "how do I get my baby daddy to support his kid" here in a bit. File for support, contingent on paternity proof. If he is the father, its his obligation. If he didn't want to support another, he shouldn't have been immediately intimate with you without first taking appropriate precautions.

Emily - posted on 07/01/2014




It was a blood test, so they can tell as soon as the hormone is present. Based off of the levels they can pin point the time pretty correctly. I realize that he has every right to not be sure, we have had that conversation many times. I can accept that he needs proof, which is why I offered to pay for 1/2 of the test. I know he's his son, he looks just like him, he isn't mixed like he would be if it was the other man's son, and I had mapped out my periods for a long time and know that I wasn't with my ex when I was ovulating or even 5 days around that time, plus on top of that we were safe and me and my boyfriend were not. With all that, which i've told him, I still totally understand that he is skeptic. I would never want him to get attached and then find out that he isn't his, that would be so cruel.
I'm so sorry for what happened with your ex, and you losing your precious keepsakes. I guess when it comes down to it though, you learned his true colors and were able to get away which is better, but still a really f**ked up way for that to happen :(
I can't do the child support thing, knowing he is supporting his kids on his own I can't put that financial burden on top of that all. I guess I just have to be patient for him to come up with his half of the money I guess. Then see how he deals with being a father again. I have to do what is best for my boy, he's first now.
Thank you for your words!

User - posted on 07/01/2014




Just because a test estimated it to be 1-2 weeks does not make it so... also they can't tell before 4 weeks I thought (otherwise every female could test by 2 weeks). So don't be judging him for his lack of jumping in. It could be the other guys kid with that close of a gap in sex partners... I was expecting to read I was single for 3 months and then got pregnant by the new man. So get a paternity test $500 I believe or ask for child support from him in the child support office and get a test done. Its kinda a big responsibility to bond with and pay for a kid.... he wants to be sure if its his... my daughter is 11 months her dad and I dated close to a year... he was cheating so I withheld I was preg... I waited to see where things were headed naturally. Well he dumped me so I left and he threw away all my kids clothes, pics... etc renamed my cat (within hours of me leaving!) I waited 2 weeks to see if he was really done (I didn't want a relationship just for my daughter to have her dad... he either wanted me or not) I called him and told him... he rejected her from that moment on... so I kept offering prenatal paternity tests if the drs say its safe... he has to come with to spots though for that so he avoided me completely. I only asked if he had plans to be involved since he is the dad... he would not answer. I did tell him how much he shirt me by throwing out my older 2 daughters and my lifetime of pics! Forget family heirlooms and sentimental and my kids cat those pics meant the world... well when my daughter turn 9 months I went in did the DNA test for our part and moved out of state. If he wanted her at all he'd have tried he drove past our home multiple times daily! Also he admitted he knows she is his. (He knocked up a chick from work after 1 month of me telling him I was preg)... so don't expect much but just do the test. I had no other sex partner by choice for at least a year before my baby's dad.

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