My child thinks I'm like a sister to her!! How do I stop this??

Emma - posted on 11/09/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )




I had my daughter when I was 16, I'm now 25 and she's almost 9. She has no respect for me what so ever & she constantly back talks and wants to fight with me about everything. She yells at me, says horrible things I would never expect to hear a child say, stomps, cries, & pretty much terrorizes our home. I don't know what to do. I have no more patience left. By the time we're at the end of these fights we have, I've got down on her level, I've said things I can't believe came out of my mouth to my child, I'm crying, and I just don't know what to do, I've fought back with her like we are two 8 year old sisters.. and it hurts because I can't go back in time and take these fights back. How can I stop these situations from happening and get my little girl to respect me as a mother and not think of me as a friend or sister? Please help :(


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Jodi - posted on 11/09/2013




It sounds like you are allowing yourself to get into the conflict cycle. This will escalate things every time, and before you know it, things get out of hand. If you want her to respect you, you need to stop getting into the cycle. You are the adult, you have to take a step back and refuse to participate in her tantrums.

Make sure you have very clear and consistent consequences. Remind her of those consequences if she continues, and then absolutely follow through every single time. Follow through CALMLY and still without getting involved in her fight. This is really important. If kids can see that they have managed to upset you emotionally, it is a pay off for them. Don't let her see it.

Here is a link to an explanation of the conflict cycle as it relates to students, but it is equally valid in your relationship with your child. Basically, you have the control to stop this cycle at the point of mirroring the child's behaviour.

It won't change things overnight, but I know that when you choose not to engage in those reactionary behaviours on a consistent basis, your household will at least be much calmer when there is conflict.

Ev - posted on 11/09/2013




How have you disciplined her before this? Have you allowed her to do anything she wants or get what she wants when she wants it? Have you been more a friend to her than a mother? I am not asking these questions lightly nor trying to make you out to be a bad mom or a child. Because its basically this: When you raise a child and it to me does not matter if you are 16 or 60, you have to set the standard from the beginning. You need to set those boundaries up and keep to them. When they are little you tell them no and redirect them to other things to get them to do the behaviors you want or learn that those things they are doing are not acceptable. As they grow you can begin to use language to express those same things at their level of understanding. When they get to about five years old they should be old enough to know that when "no" is the answer that is it and if they have a fit you act accordingly. Do not give in when they keep whining for things or wanting it right now. By allowing that to happen, you enable them to walk all over you and make your house like it is now. What you most likely need to do in this case is start setting firm limits to what she wants. If she back talks you send her to her room until she can come talk to you in a calm manner but allow her to express her reasons why she thinks things should be a certain way and then express to her that you said no for a reason and that is why she is not going to get what she wants right now. If that does not work then you might have to start taking things away according to what she is doing. But stand firm. Do not give in for that will damage your attempts to get the upper hand. You also need to set some ground rules for her to follow and also make sure that the consequences are known ahead of time so she is not too surprised when you follow through. Also be consistent as well.

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