my ex partner is so obsessed about other men what can i do?!

Momma - posted on 06/20/2011 ( 8 moms have responded )




my ex partner is so obsessed about other men he constantly goes on an on at me saying how he will never let another man around our kids. i am not even allowed to talk about the kids to any other man even tho i have male friends he constantly questions the kids abt where i have been an if there were any men around. im not with a man but surely in the future maybe i will meet somebody an i just dread that thort as i know there will be trouble!! that is the main reason we split his constant jelous outbursts and violence telling me how to dress! advise me please thanku x


Tara - posted on 06/20/2011




He is your EX for a reason. Honestly, if he is this bad now, without you being involved with anyone, it will be many times worse when you do find someone you want to be with.
To be honest, I would say, distance yourself as much as possible. Make sure you have a custody/visitation agreement that is in writing. Document any kind of "outbursts", etc. Make absolutely certain that you are able to protect yourself and your children if he loses it - it is entirely possible that, since he was/is jealous with violent outbursts while you were together, that if you find someone to be with the violence and jealousy will escalate. You need to make very certain that you and your children are protected, just in case.

Bobbie - posted on 06/21/2011




Control is his issue. Don't mistake that for love or caring about the children or you. Big red flag! You state that you are "not allowed" to talk about your kids to other men. I am not sure why he gets to tell you what you are allowed to do and then permitted to question the kids to ensure that you are following his rules. He is doing great harm to your children with your permission! It is harmful on so many levels. 1) they learn that control and dominance equals love, which is does not. 2) they are confronted with stress on a scale that you will never realize. As a child of this situation I can tell you, it is pure hell. 3) They have to pick sides sooner or later because the pain and stress will get to be too much. You may soon find that they ask to live with him instead of you! It happens because they just want to stop being pressed to stand up for you or protect you. They either become dominate and over bearing like him and see you as weak or worse, they become submissive and guilt ridden. Children ALWAYS feel a breakup is their fault, no matter what they tell you. If they see you as a victim and watch you allow yourself to be victimized they will side with him to show they are not victims themselves.

My suggestions are very strong, to the point and would mean stepping out of the "helpless" role. (I do not mean any disrespect by labeling you as helpless. You believe yourself helpless to stop his actions. You are not!)

First and foremost you must learn to separate the relationships. He is your ex and your relationship with him has nothing to do with the kids, period. His only interactions with them should be about them and his relationship with them. Ground rules have to be established here for their sake and yours.

1) Speak to him as well as write him a letter about his role as a father. In it YOU TELL HIM that his children need him to focus on them. To spend time with them. You are not a topic of conversation open for discussion when he has the kids.

Then let it go. Don't ask the kids if he asked questions about you. You do as you wish with your friends and brag about your kids to who ever will listen. Then if the kids say "he asked me about you" don't continue the conversation with "oh, what did he say?" because you will be feeding into it. If this happens just be the strong one for your kids and say, "how does that make you feel?" AGAIN, what he says is not the point, he doesn't matter, how they feel about it is the point. If they feel you listen to them about their feelings then they know you see them as important, it isn't all about him.

Take care to set rules clearly about his boundries into your life and do not allow him to cross them. An inch will quickly become a mile. I bet he even still has a key to the house and comes and goes as he pleases. Just a guess but none of your life is his business. Let him continue to make it his business and you may find yourself at the wrong end of gun begging him to leave you alone. It gets that out of control fast when you don't shut the door on the control games he is playing.

Any power given over to him will be a victory for him and a reason to push for more. He will never have enough control over you or the kids. Don't fool yourself that if you "just do this one thing he asks" he will become calm and less aggressive. You are only feeding his aggression more and more.

These are the type of men that feel they rule your life. Sounds to me as if you are allowing him to. He can't without your permission.

Self Esteem books are your best friend right now. Sounds as if he has beaten you down to feeling like you deserve that treatment. YOU DON"T!


View replies by

SHENG - posted on 06/21/2011




It seems to me he got some issues. You should consult authorities if he does some violence.

Stifler's - posted on 06/21/2011




tell him he's no longer your partner so he doesn't get a say in what you do. your relationship is over don't let him continue to control your life.

Constance - posted on 06/21/2011




If he is acting this way and you aren't seeing anyone else. My suggestion would be to tape your conversations so you have proof of the way he speaks to you. It sounds like a situation that could turn into something dangerous. I would push for a clear cut vistation agreement through the courts. You have every right to do wha you want as long as it doesn't hurt your little one. I would defidenly keep track of things he says. Just be careful.

Tara - posted on 06/20/2011




If your ex has said flat out he won't abide by a custody/visitation agreement, now is the time to RUN, not walk away and try your best to keep him from having any visitation. Someone like that would think nothing of taking your children and running. I would make very, very certain that you have full, sole custody and he has supervised visitation if he has any at all. I would seriously consider getting your son to see a child therapist because it is very likely your ex is trying to sweet talk him into staying with him in order to hurt you - he isn't doing it for your children at all, people like that never do. Your son is at an age where he may feel that your split and/or the custody issues are HIS fault and your ex will be playing on that for all it's worth. I would absolutely not allow your son to go and live with this man because once he has gotten what he wants from your son (your pain), he may very well turn on your son and that is something that must be avoided at all costs.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/20/2011




Yeah, I would document everything. Your son shouldn't be disrespecting you. Why are your letting your ex husband manipulate your son? I would get in contact with social services for mediation or something.... have your kid talked to and listened to. Have everything the kid says legally documented for later on. You could get proof of his dads bad behavior and use it in your favor in court, expecially if your son is talking about living with dad now. I would definiatly go this route to show he's not the best parent.

Momma - posted on 06/20/2011




That is the thing you see, i had a solicitor letter sent to him with access arangements.He says no body on this earth will tell him when he can or cant see his kids he never stck to it and as soon as he knocks the door the kids especially my 7yr old son wants to go with him, my son is also saying now he wants to live with his dad permanantly and is not botherd if he dosnt see me at all my son also defends his dad constantly and is telling him things all the time about me that sometimes havnt happend but when i ask him why he just will not answer and sits there with his lips closed tight? i realy dont know what to do ive made an appointment with solicitors again for in 2 weeks but everyday i just feel my son is turning into his dad and its like living with him again. i went out the weekend 1st time in months,My ex said on sunday when he found out i went out omg what a bad mom u r leaving them (they were with my mother and sister well looked after) my son also told his dad he didnt want to be left. but i even said to my son are u ok to stop at nannys he said yea!! it seems like hes saying 1 thing to me and another to his dad to try and keep us happy but its just causing more arguments between me and my ex??? im so so stressed and just dont know what to do? should i just let my son go and live with him?? sorry for going on about a few things its just so much happens all the time with him yet im so stressed i cant think straight!! xx

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms