My kids father does so little for them, should I allow him to continue to come and go from there lives. I have asked him for more consistent contact and it hasnt happened. He wont even disclose where he lives and is an illegal immigrant.

Dawn - posted on 08/01/2012 ( 1 mom has responded )




Guys I have two children too a south african man, whom for the past 8 years has made my life quite difficult. I am blessed to have had two children with him but he has never been much of the responsible type. Over the 8 years we had an on and of relationship filled with dishonesty, lies, stealing and violence. Last year I finally got the courage to leave and sadly had to go without my kids for a few months. I was trying to get him removed from the house but it was a long slow process. After been highlighted that infact he wasnt even legal in the country, he did a runner. Abandoning his kids and leaving a massive amount of debt for me to deal with. I lost my business and my kids where so traumatised it was not normal. My son died in 2003 and I can tell you now what we went through last year was far worse. Between July and late December he made no contact with his kids, would not answer his phone and missed birthdays. I went through councelling to help me recover and thank god i came out the other side. But i still have my raw days here and there. Thankfully the kids are now sleeping the night without waking up screaming. And life has become happy again. My dilemma is that he slowly began to come back into our lives in January and yes I reckon i must be mad but I know how much they missed there dad and love him. I didnt want them not to have him in there lives. He saw them here and there and the odd time brought some shoes or clothes for them. On occasion recently I have smelt drink on him when he came. I always stayed with them for that hour or so they spent with him. He still hasn't sorted his legal status issues or after several times asking about his living situation he can only disclose he lives with some boys. This man is 50 years old and I suspect he has been working as a stripper in the recent past. A year later ideally he should have now become more stable but he hasnt in my opinion and I am at the point of walking away completely but am unsure what to do. He spends about 3 hours a month with his kids? Really and trully its not enough. When he has no fixed address I cannot let my kids go alone with them. It would be madness to do so. But he is giving so little to them emotionally i wonder is it worth it. When they come back they go back to square one again and are often unsettled for days. I need help pls. Any advice would be welcome. I am not worried about the fact he pays nothing for his kids but more about what the lack of support is doing to them.


Dove - posted on 08/01/2012




My kids haven't seen their father since January. I would never take what little visitation they DO get away from them because then it would be ME choosing to hurt them and I won't be the cause of them not having a father.... ever.

What you do or do not do in your particular situation is up to you.

I would certainly continue to keep tight tabs on the visitations since he is not in the country legally. Him having the kids alone would NOT happen unless it could happen through a court order, but I would not deny him supervised visitations if I were in your shoes.

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