My Mother in Law is overstepping her boundaries BIG time!

Candice - posted on 07/20/2016 ( 2 moms have responded )




I am the mother of three beautiful daughters. My oldest is 18 and recently graduated from High School and then my two younger daughters are identical twins who are 10 1/2 and starting the fifth grade next month. I have been married to my High School sweetheart for 20 years this last June. My mother in law has a long history of overstepping her boundaries and I'm to the point recently where I think I might just blow up on her. My husband is the baby of three boys. His two older brothers are significantly older than he is so he was basically raised as an only child for the majority of his lifetime. He is also clearly the favorite of the three boys. My Mother in law is a HUGE enabler. She paid for both of the older boys car insurance until they were well into their 40's, as well as their wives insurance too. Whenever we have gotten into financial trouble my husband quickly calls his Mom and she swoops in and saves the day every single time. When we were first married she asked us if we would rather have $10,000 to put down on our first home or if we would rather have her remodel her basement to add a Kitchen and turn it into a basement apartment so that we could live their rent free and get our lives started. My father in law passed away a year before we were married and my husband did not want to leave his Mom alone in the house, so we opted for her to remodel her basement. If I had only known then what I know now I would have definitely pushed for the down payment instead.

My oldest was born almost two years after we were married. We were still living in her basement and I still remember the first night we came home my daughter woke for the first time in the middle of the night, so me being a new Mommy took her out into the living room so that I could nurse her and get her to go back to bed. My mother in law came busting down the stairs on a mission to get her granddaughter and coax her back to sleep. I was mortified. There I was sitting in my living room, boob out and ready to start nursing and in busts my mother in law. I was pretty pissed and of course my husband got the lashing over it because it was his Mom and I didn't feel like it was my place to speak to her about it.

We lived in that apartment for eight years, which was far too long. I look back now and I realize that she had set us up to rely on her. I feel like it was a calculated move on her part, but that's a whole other story. Anyway, we finally build our own home and we move out. It's bliss for the most part over the next two years. She does love to come over and just walk into my house which falls high on the annoying scale, but at least we aren't living in the same building anymore.

About six months after moving into our new home I found out I was pregnant again, only this time we were having twins. They took a lot of work, and she was constantly trying to butt her way in and help out but I stood my ground pretty well about when she was allowed around and when she wasn't welcome. Then she decided to sell her house and moved in with us while she looked for somewhere new to live. The twins were about six months old when she moved in and she didn't move out for close to a year. That was probably the worst year of my life and my marriage up until recently. She did try to help out around the house, but most of the things she did only made more work for me to go back and do them the way I liked them done. I have a bit of OCD when it comes to things like folding towels, making sure bottles had the lids that they came with, folding laundry, etc. I asked her constantly to please not help out even though I knew she was only trying to help; the problem was that I couldn't relax knowing that these things weren't done the way I liked them to be done, so I would have to go back and fix them anyway.

She finally moved out and things got to be livable once again. Over the years she has constantly made it a point to insert herself into situations in our family life that is completely unnecessary. Our oldest daughter found herself more than once in the middle of a discussion instigated by her Grandmother asking her if she was sexually active, what kids in her school were doing in regards to sex, asking her about drugs, alcohol...etc. To me, these are things that myself and my husband should be asking as her parents. I don't think it's the Grandparents job to insert themselves into their Grandchildren's lives in such a manner.

Anyway, fast forward to recent months. My oldest daughter is 18 and has recently graduated from High School. My husband have found ourselves in the middle of some serious marital issues that we are struggling to overcome. Unbeknownst to me, my husband felt it necessary to share specific details with his Mom on why we are having troubles, etc. Most of it stems from financial issues due to some poor decisions made on my part. My mother in law took it upon herself to tell my daughter specific reasons that my husband are having problems with, down to the minute detail. When I found out I flipped my lid! I couldn't believe that this woman felt compelled to not only share information with my daughter that was not her information to share, but to not even consider how this might change the way my daughter would view me, her own Mother?!?

Just yesterday, my Mother in law decided she wanted to go pick up my twin daughters and have them come visit her, which is fine. But she did this without telling myself or my husband that she was picking them up. They are ten years old and both for the most part responsible enough to be at home alone during the daytime when my husband and I are working. I of course call and check on them periodically throughout the day just to make sure things are fine. I spoke with them at noon, right before lunch and they were fine. Then I called around 2:45 again to check on them and there was no answer at the house. I tried calling again a few times and thought they were probably just playing out back and didn't hear the phone ring. I got off work at 4:30 and tried calling them again. Still no answer. I tried calling my Mother in law thinking maybe she had picked them up, but no answer either. So, I called my husband. He said he had tried calling his Mom also that day but couldn't get a hold of her. At this point I was starting to really get worried. I stopped by her house on my way home to see if she was there and if my kids happened to be there, but there was no one home. I rushed home only to find an empty house and no note or anything telling me where my children were at. On my way out the door, in a frantic rush to find my children they come waltzing up the front porch with giant soda's in hand to tell me that Grandma had picked them up and just dropped them off at home.

This woman does not think that what she did was a problem. I am livid and told my girls that they are grounded from going to their Grandmother's home for the next week because they know better than to leave without telling me, but the real kicker is that this woman who is a Mother herself should know better!!! How do I get the point across to her that she is not the Mom, I am?


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B - posted on 07/25/2016



0 I am suggesting this website because it helps me tremendously. I understand what you are going through. It will not get better if you do not communicate. Consistency and standing firm in our decisions prevailed!

Dove - posted on 07/20/2016




By having your husband put her in her place 18 years ago... Since that did not happen and the two of you are having marital issues... my best recommendation would be some serious counseling. He needs to let his mother know that the next time she goes and picks up YOUR children w/out your knowledge or permission that she will find herself speaking to a police officer about kidnapping charges.

If he does not back you up and support you and confront his mother himself and lay down the law... I wouldn't expect things to be getting any better.

Good luck!

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