Need Advice Re: Live-In Boyfriend and My Two Children

Cheryl - posted on 04/12/2016 ( 6 moms have responded )




This is a very long story but I will try to keep it brief. I am a divorced mom of two boys, ages 11 and 13. We are currently living with my boyfriend in his house. He has three daughters of his own (also divorced) but they are grown and living independently for the most part. My issue is that he has very little to do with my boys. He will not go to a movie with us or out to dinner or much of anything. He will not attend my 13 year old's soccer games and I long ago gave up trying to get him to go. Any activity I do with them is by and large on my own. The house we live in is quite large so my boy's each have their own room. My boy's spend a great deal of time in their rooms because (and this is just me speculating) I don't think they really feel comfortable hanging around with us. I have tried to talking to my kids (carefully and in private) to ask if they are happy with our living arrangement and they claim they are but I have no idea if that is really the case. I want my BF to take a more active role with them but he pretty much flat out refuses or says his relationship with them is developing. I see very little or next to no indication of that.

I am in an extremely grim financial position. I am in the process of filing for bankruptcy and the area that I live in is very expensive especially for a 3 bedroom apartment or house. I have a good full-time job but I really do not make enough money to support the three of us. I do receive child support from my ex-husband but even with that, it is not enough. I have no family or close friends here (everyone is at least an 8 hour drive away). I cannot relocate because I share 50/50 custody with my ex-husband.

I guess my question is, do I try to find a way to move us out or do I stick it out and just deal with the situation as it is? There are many other details to this story but it's a lot. I feel overwhelmed and lost and just need some advice. Thanks in advance.


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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/13/2016



2015 moved in with this guy expecting, what...miracles? DID HE EVER indicate, in any way, shape, or form, that he really WANTED the whole instant family deal?

You are using him for his space, and his home, and financial stablity at this point, with is actually pretty pitiful.

He's already indicated that he was not really on board for an instant family. It's generous of him to allow you all to live in his home, but living in his home by is by no means an indicator that he's going to be "instant daddy" for your kids. Its not up to HIM to take care of them, parent them, attend their events, etc.

Get yourself on your feet. Stop making excuses. Get your own place. If your friend wants to be involved in your family, he will, at HIS choice and pace.

Cheryl - posted on 04/13/2016




I knew him for nearly a year before he met the boys. We moved into together about 10 months after he met them.

Cheryl - posted on 04/13/2016




Hi. Thanks for your response. I have tried talking to him and I have suggested counseling. We just never seem to get anywhere with talking (maybe I just expect too much) and he isn't into the counseling idea. I do love him which is why I moved us in in the first place. Although, to be honest, I wanted to wait another year before we moved in together. I felt that the relationship needed more time and I expressed that. However, he just kept on me about it and how it would strengthen our relationship so in the end, I moved in.

I'm not so much looking for him to "parent" but just to do some activities with us. Again, maybe I just expect to much.

Michelle - posted on 04/12/2016




I agree with Jodi, it doesn't sound like you are with him because you love him.
Have you talked with your boyfriend about your feelings and tried to come to solution together? Maybe even some counseling?

Jodi - posted on 04/12/2016




I am concerned that you have clearly actually considered leaving, but are choosing to remain in your current arrangement because of finances. This is not really a good reason to be in any situation that isn't ideal for your children. I guess I am just concerned about your reasoning for being with this man - nowhere in your post did you indicate that you love him and that is why you want to stay.....only the financial situation (not to mention you also called it a living arrangement). I'm just pointing out these as my red flags.

With regard to your boyfriend's interaction with your boys, the fact is, he has raised his family. It doesn't sound like he doesn't LIKE your boys, just that he is not interested in getting overly involved. How long have you been together? How long were you together before you moved in with him?

To be fair, it isn't his job to support you and your family, not is it is job to parent the boys.

Ev - posted on 04/12/2016




How long did you know this man when you introduced him to your boys and how long after that did you move in together?

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