Need help, I think I clash with my son.

Simone - posted on 05/08/2015 ( 3 moms have responded )




Dear Moms
I've come here out of desperation because I don't know where to go with this just yet.
My son will be 3 in June and I don't know what is going on at the moment but I am so frustrated with him.
I have an older son, 5, who is a good child. Does well at preschool, speaks beautifully, had a kind heart and I can reason with him well. Then we have a baby, 15 months, who is the life and beans of the family. He is funny and loves affection and can understand and communicate well for his age.
My middle child, who as I said will be 3 next month is very difficult. He is aggressive, he doesn't reason and he doesn't listen. He whines constantly... If he wants a something to drink it has to be in a specific bottle and he will whine at the top of his lungs until he gets it. Then he will do the same for a blanket. And the same for a pillow. And so on until he is satisfied. He does this with everything. If he wants to go to the toilet he will whine until he pees his pants, or if I put him on the toilet he will scream, get off and get back on his way. He is so difficult, I know I am talking about a 3 year old here but it's not normal.
I have tried going down to his level and talking calmly saying "I know you understand what mommy is saying" "please talk to mommy, use words, tell me what you want" etc but he just screams louder.
It's driving me insane.
He is also very aggressive with his brothers and he will lash out physically if they touch what he is playing with and will not play with them or even beside them.
Please help me, he wasn't always like this. He has a sweet nature in there somewhere.
I need to fix this before our relationship is damaged or he grows up to be hateful.
I really appreciate advice only. No judgement.


Rebekah - posted on 05/08/2015




The examples you gave (wanting the specific bottle or blanket) suggest his wanting to have control. Especially as you are dealing with toilet issues, this also has to do with control. He may be more demanding in this way for a few reasons... perhaps, as Jodi said, because of his age, it is a normal developmental phase. Ages 2-3 have a lot of emotional turmoil as they sort through control issues with their parents. Also, it may be heightened because he could feel in competition with his siblings (especially the younger one, who likely needs more attention from you). He is using his behavior to tell you what he wants/needs, because, at 2, he may not have the words to articulate what is bothering him.

I don't know how you generally are able to spend time among your children, but I wonder if it would help to have specific time just for the two of you. At the moment, his behavior is getting negative attention, but its still attention. Perhaps if he can have time that is only for the two of you (or with dad), that may help to bring him some peace and security.

His personality may be that he is more sensitive than his siblings... so although you didn't see it in your older son, this boy has a personality of his own.

Do use consistent discipline with him if he is lashing out physically with his brothers. Ignore tantrums. Let him know that you "can't understand him" when he whines, and that you can hear him just fine and are happy to listen when he uses his normal speaking voice. Try to also use a good dose of praise and attention when he is behaving in a way that is what you want (catch him being good).

I hope that is somewhat helpful... I recall the difficult times of that age... it is a phase that they work through. Stay strong... he needs to know that although he is testing you and the world around him, mom will be a consistent source of love for him and someone who will give him the limits that he needs.

Jodi - posted on 05/08/2015




" I know I am talking about a 3 year old here but it's not normal. "

Actually, it is normal. Every 3 year old is different, and just because your other child was not like this doesn't mean you should expect the same from this child. So this child, you need to discipline differently. You need some very clear consequences for his behaviour. Stop responding to his tantrums and only respond when he is calm and stops with the whining and screaming. I know it is difficult, but it really is pretty normal for some 3 year olds to be like this.


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Simone - posted on 05/08/2015




Ladies, you don't know how much your answers have helped me. As a mom it's sometimes so refreshing just to have other moms show you what you might be outsiders point of view.
Now that I have read through your posts, and mine, I realize yes, his personality is different. He is more sensitive. And that he does need to be disciplined and cared for differently.
I am not giving up on my child, I love him and all my babies with all my heart and I just want him to not be so angry all the time.
I need to find ways to help him realize he doesn't need to be controlling every situaion, and that I am there for him.
I do give all three of my children individual attention, and the baby is not high maintenance at all. In fact he is really Independant and doesn't act like a 15 month old at all. So I don't think it's a jealousy thing.
I thank you sincerely for your comments... This is something I am determined to figure out and work through as ultimately I want peace in my home and for my little boy to not be so frustrated.

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