New and desperately seeking help in a toxic parenting/step parenting/new marriage situation

Jessica - posted on 03/25/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )




I am desperate for a solution between my new husband and daughter. I started dating my husband in April 2011 and was recently married March 1st. I have a 12 year old daughter who I am fully responsible for (her father/my ex husband does not pay child support and is remarried with 3 children). My daughter has been a straight A student for the majority of her schooling, getting the occasional B or C. At present, she is dealing with a change in schools and locations since January, but got 5 A's, a B, and a C in the 8th grade algebra class she was placed in after being in a 7th grade pre-algebra class at her old school. She is somewhat absent minded, needing to be told things more than once when it comes to what chores she is responsible for and getting homework turned in when it is due. My new husband is becoming quite lazy, constantly playing this computer game he found last fall. When we first moved into the house, we were consumed with projects and getting it to where we wanted it. Before buying the house, we all played a part in weekly chores, but now it is my daughter and I who take care of all the cleaning, cooking, and laundry. For a week straight, he said he was going to check the oil in my car, but never found the time due to sitting on the computer from the time he wakes up until he goes to work and then resuming his position after he gets home just about until bed time. My "Low Oil" indicator came on, so I checked it and added the oil myself. I also work. I get home and cook dinner and my daughter cleans up. Last night was the second blow up in our short married life, and the second "test" he has indicated we have failed. This time it was due to him tossing a pack of toilet paper down the basement stairs and no one putting it away. My question is why didn't he? For an example of my current contempt towards him, my daughter completed her weekend chores that incude changing his cat's litter box, vacuuming our two levels of carpet, dusting, and helping with laundry. I completed a painting project, putting together a desk to complete my daughters room, organized her room now that it is complete so that she can maintain it to my standards, cooked several meals, and also did laundry, the grocery shopping, and checking and adding the oil to my car. The extent of what my husband did all weekend was cook breakfast saturday. He does not clean up after himself, he expects everyone else in the house to put away his plate after a meal, and has numerous times griped because I did not put his washed and folded laundry away (because washing it and folding it while he did nothing wasn't enough). He constantly gripes at my daughter who is a bright young lady whom I hear nothing but great things from her teachers and all those who come in contact with her. She also plays the clarinet and participates in extra cirricular activities. My husband was not this lazy when we were dating. I am at my wits end trying to figure out a solution to our problem that seems be ton of problems. I do not feel that either my daughter or myself should be "tested" on whether or not we pick up something that he tossed down the stairs to the basement. I do not believe he has the right to gripe at her when she's completed her chores and he's done nothing significant to help keep any aspect of the house. I feel like I am constantly in the middle of his disgust for my daughter, who is not a troubled kid or disrespectful aside from the occasional eye rolling and trying to argue her point at times. I repremand her when she talks back. Yet in a text he sent me this morning after last nights blow up, he stated "I Love you. I just don't know how to get thru our differences. You're not the only one stressing. I'm torn up on the inside. I'm not so sure you or Abby want a father figure. Or at the least we disagree on what a father figure should be.. I see Abby and I see a kid completely unable to preform any forward thought process. Talking with Nick (his brother) last night and he says its probably normal. I don't have the connection that you and Abby do. Probably never will. This fighting just drives me away from ever wanting kids and partly makes me resent Abby. Everytime I mention for her to get after something you look at me with a discussed look. There is no team Chris and Jess. Just team Abby and Jess. Last night seeing you two huddle together made me see its always gonna be just you tow. That's my two cents." That doesn't much make me feel loved. I do not feel that my daughter was in the wrong for not picking up after him when both she and I do it all the time. He left the house for an hour after we argued. Not a word, but I guess he called his brother (who has 2 boys from a previous relationship, a young daughter with his current wife whom he is contemplating leaving and a step daughter who is wrapped up in her own bubble, hangs out with the druggie crowd, gets bad grades and is 15). I don't discuss my issues with my friends or family because I don't want them to view him in a negative light. I try desperately to keep the pease and act as moderator in the home, but I am not going to punish my daughter for his laziness. I do not feel that I am on anyone's team. I have a responsibility to my daughter as a mother based off of the opinions of teachers, other parents, his family as well as my own, I am raising a wonderful child. I also have a responsibility as a wife, but how do I fulfill that role when he has seriously slacked off in the role he is to fill? I know this is lengthy and I appreciate those of you who have took the time to read my scattered all over the board post. I am interested in helpful advice, not "Leave him", or any other hypocritical nonsense. Thank you in advance for any helpful suggestions you may have to offer.


Holly - posted on 03/25/2013




what have you told him? sometimes just having a calm discussion regarding how you need him to help out, that this is NOT what you expected when you came into this relationship... get ready to give him options, such as -getting rid of the gaming system, or -only setting aside time fr the game at such and such time for such and such AMOUNT of time. give him specific chores you need him to help out with... but make these as suggestions so that he doesn't feel like a child and you are his mother telling him what to do.

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