No Bond with first child. Pregnant with 2nd.

Tonya - posted on 05/09/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )




Hello All...So this will be my FIRST time talking about this, and it just makes it easier because you guys don't know me, and we are not face to face...because any other time I would shy away from discussing this issue that I have out of shame and guilt.

I have an 11 year old. I was pregnant with her at 16, birthed her at 17. Her father was 25 at the time...I was lost as a young girl...I think I was really seeking a father figure, I thought that he had some feeling for me....but if I had a clear head it would have been obvious. He stop coming around after I had daughter has never met her father.

My mom helped me raise her...honestly I was still a kid...I loved to party and go out a lot...I still did after I gave birth...I didn't realize I had to stop all of that I honestly didn''t know I was doing anything wrong....I never once abused my child EVER!!! I showed a lot of affection toward her when she was a baby....but as she got older I noticed my connection was lost...but maybe it wasent really ever there???? I don't know I'm confused....

My daughter grew not to like me, and the more I notice she didn't like me, the more I didnt like her personality....I started to neglect showing any affection and attention toward her. If she needed something I would give to her, but that was it.

She complained to my mom, and others in the family learned the broken bond between us, and my sister who lives way on the other side of the country moved her in 7 months ago. My child and I talked on the phone often and I would send her things...but then all of a sudden we both stop communicating.

Let me remind you all I have had a tough life with my family....As a child I didn't feel loved and was suicidle at times...I hated my mom....honestly my daughter reminds me of my mom...This could be the only reason that I can think of is the relationship with her "father" and the constant reminder of my mom when I'm around her...she acts like a mini version of her...and as a child I never saw my mom as a good person. I think she acts like her because she was with my mom a lot when I had her.

I cut off all ties with my family because I do not want to be reminded of bad memories of all the most of them I barely know because I was seperated from my siblings...There was a huge age gap between us..I was the last child so it kind of felt like I was the only....but I'm just so over my side of the family and I'm okay with that.

But whats bothering me is I am pregnant and fear this will happen again. I don't think that I can fix my relationship with my 11 year old especially with her being across the country. But I'm about to have another child...I LOVE her father, and his side of the family more then I love my own....I don't EVER want to repeat this again....but, do I not deserve to have this child since I gave up my first???? I want to LOVE this child and spend all the time that I can with her....part of the reason why I want to be a SAHM I want to make sure I never break a connection.

I'm feeling horrible, I want to be a good mom....please help if you all have any good advice ?? Can I still be a good mom to her, even if I wasn't to the first? Do I not deserve my baby thats waiting to be born ??


Denikka - posted on 05/09/2014




You've had a really tough time.

I think there's a lot of damage between you and your first child. And one day, you WILL have to address that. If nothing else, she DESERVES answers, she deserves some explanation.

That being said, you CAN be a good mom, loving and affectionate, to your new child. You are not the same person you were at 16, when you had your first. And the circumstances are very different. Never let anyone tell you that you don't deserve this baby. Many women give up a child for adoption and then go on to have others that they keep.

I can't tell you what you should do. No one can. You need to live your life as best as you can. But I would suggest finding some way to reach out to your first daughter. This unborn child will have a sibling, and they deserve to know that. I'm not saying it will be easy, but these children deserve to know each other.

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