Not sure if I can raise a baby without the father

Sam - posted on 03/22/2014 ( 5 moms have responded )




I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant - not too terribly far along - and only 21 years old. I have a decent paying job, I live almost rent-free at a friend's house, and I'm trying to save money for the baby. My problem is...the father doesn't have a job. He also lives rent-free with me, I buy his cigarettes and alcohol, and he hasn't kept a job for more than 3 months since I met him. I want to move out and afford a place of my own and raise this baby...but I'm not sure if I can handle it by myself. I'm struggling to pay my bills on time, I can only afford some of them if I make nice tips at work, and I'm tired of living with this friend. I have a standing offer from an ex for a totally rent-free place to live...but if I move in with him, the father has told me that he'll never speak to me again. I don't want to raise a child by myself, nor do I think I CAN emotionally or monetarily...but I need to get out of the situation I'm in and start turning my life around. I love the man...but I can't continue to be the only bread winner here. I've helped him find job ads and he's done nothing with them. I've been told to give him a 3 month notice, but I KNOW he won't take that well. I'm not even sure if I'm happy anymore. Any advice for a stressed out soon to be single mother?


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~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/23/2014




This guy sounds like a total loser, and I know from experience. He is never going to find a job while you are enabling him. I would NOT wait 3 months to kick his ass out, why? Cause the longer he is there, the further along in your pregnancy you will be, the less likely you will do it.

You can't pay your bills because you are supporting yourself and a grown man on waitress wages. You can love him all you want, but that does not mean he is good for you or the baby.

If this is not your place to kick him out, move out. Why would you move in with another man? How about trying a family member, or move in with a friend.

Ev - posted on 03/22/2014




And to add to this though I am sorry to hear of your plight in not wanting to raise a child without a father: A lot of women do this be it by choice or not. There are women who are in the situation you are in, there are those that married the father and it was for the child but it did not work out, and there are those women who got married to the man they loved and then had kids only to become a divorced single mother. You can not make anyone be a parent to a child. They have to want to do that for themselves and forcing the issue only makes it more stressful for you and the unborn baby. It also pushes away the person that you are involved with. Another note, You can raise this child mostly on your own. Do you have family you can go to for support? That is where I would go. As for the man you are involved with, as the others said let him go buy his cigarettes and booze. If he needs it that badly he can do for himself. And there seems to be a pattern of him finding jobs and then quitting, do you want your child growing up seeing this? It is not a stable way to live and what if you were not working at that time for another child on the way or health issues? What would happen then? I agree about moving in with the ex--make sure the ex understands that this is as friends and nothing else. And you should check into WIC, Medicaid, and other sources that might help you get through this so you are not alone. If you do not make a lot of money at your job which sounds like a waiting job, that could help make the difference in your medical bills. And WIC will help get you fruit/veggies, milk, cereal and other things to eat through the month. If you have to get a place to yourself, check with HUD for housing. Also check to see if you can get help with utilities too in your area as some places do provide that help. There are a lot of things you can do to make it and then when baby is here--Take dad to court for child support.

Jodi - posted on 03/22/2014




I'm confused. Wouldn't you be BETTER off moving out and not having to buy all his unnecessary luxury items? It appears he isn't contributing financially anyway. Staying with the father of your baby purely because he is the father of the baby and because you can't afford to do otherwise is not a good reason to stay.

However, if you move in with your ex, you need to do it on a platonic level. It's not a great idea if your ex has other things in mind. Your child needs stability.

Regardless of what you decided to do, he has an obligation to support his child financially. So once the baby is born, you can file for child support (and custody).

Sarah - posted on 03/22/2014




Here is what I would do. Try writing out all you options (living where you do now, living with ex, living on your own) then explore each one. Write out pos. and neg. about each one. How would each one work? Would that be healthy for both you and the baby? If you feel you just would not be able be able to provide either emotionally or financially or both maybe look into adoption. There are lots of options with adoption that might work for you. There are open adoptions where you get to see and visit with the child as they grow, or you can get pictures and letters, or you can keep it closed. You can pick the family if you wish and meet with them.

My thought about the baby's father.....stop buying things for him. If he wants it he needs to pay for it with his money. He is using you and you are allowing him to do so. People will treat you how you allow them. ....require more out of him. If you have a daughter would you want her boyfriend treating her how yours is treating you? Remember he is her male role model. What you love about him is not him you love the fantasy of him. You love the guy in your mind. The guy your boyfriend is is the guy you just wrote in your post. He is who he is choosing to be. Now you have to make the choice if that is someone you want to be with or not. You can't change him. He has to want to change and right now he does not want to and may never want to. You can only control you and your choices. Your choices now also affects your child, so now you need to think about what kind of life and role models do you want for your child.

Tia - posted on 03/22/2014




I am so sorry to hear if your predicament. Someone once told me raising a child alone is like diving a car with one hand- it can be done but it's hard work.

Ur baby's daddy has to pay child support so he won't be completely absolved of his responsibilities.

If I was u I will sit down and really think about it...what is it u want? Who is it u want... Can u salvage anything with the baby's father? And in your heart do you really want to have this baby to love it and cherish it and nurture it?

I had my son at 27 and although my situation was different I still found the experience overwhelming...he depended on me for everything and I was desperately unhappy. He is 2 now and although I completely adore him and really found my feet with motherhood (with lots of support)...I think I was a little young and could have waited.

There r pros and cons but know that u will love your child...and children are resilient they will muddle through with u and can surprise u by turning out pretty darn well!

Best of luck

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