ok, i need either California moms or moms who are in a law career

Cheyenne - posted on 01/03/2011 ( 4 moms have responded )




ok, i have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. we have an 11 month old together and i have lived with his parents for 2 years(along with him). i know in the state of cali we dont have common law marraiges. so i was wondering if i could change my last name to my boyfriends last name. we were planning on getting married a few times but the first couple times were just whatever. this last time was for real but ive changed my mind. i dont want to get married. we have been going around the subject of us separating but we dont want to because of our son. my boyfriend wants to keep our son and me leave. so im afraid that if i leave him i will lose my son. i stay at home with my son 24/7. i do everything for my son except work so i dont pay for anything for him. i do have WIC and medical for my son though through me. and my boyfriend is actually getting medical through me too. but i do everything for my boyfriend too. i do his laundry and i cook for him whenever he wants, i (try) to clean when possible, i make sure my son is clean, i put my son to bed and get up with him, i feed my son, i take him for walks, i stay up with my son when hes not tired and im exhuasted. my boyfriend will help if i bug him. my friends now what hes like and what he does. and they dont understand why i shouldnt get my son if we separated because i care for him. and its true. my boyfriends parents work to much and dont want to care for a baby, my boyfriend couldnt handle it and he wouldnt be able to quit his job, my parents arent allowed to see my son because my brother threanted my son and me, i have no friends that could care for him and both sides of our family are to old to care for a baby. im not trying to make exuses because its all true. i understand that if i left i would need to get a job. but i have NOWHERE to go, so i have to stay for now.

so if anyone can help me with the laws and everything it would help. would i get my son? would joint custody be better for him?


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Amanda - posted on 01/03/2011




I think the other ladies covered your rights about custody of your son. But what I am wondering is why you would wanna change your last name to the boyfriend you clearly dont want to be with any longer??

Lika - posted on 01/03/2011




Even w/o the marriage, you are taking on the role of stay at home mom/wife and that is a full time job plus on it's own. What you offer would cost a lot, if he had to pay, like what would it cost for a housekeeper? Babysitter (or more expensive, daycare)?

Unless you're abusing your son, there is no way that the courts would take your son from you. Even if it's state funded, you feed him, clothe him, etc. Your boyfriend would get visitation and if he's not taking interest now, trust me, he won't take interest later.

As for a place to go, see if you can get a job from home, such as Melaleuca, medical transcription, etc. It might help you get a start so you can get a foot up. There are many services in California if you know where/how to look for them, and they will help you. By having the medical for everyone, it's something. It's a big chunk to do, and well, I wish you luck.

Iysha - posted on 01/03/2011




If there is no criminal history, no abuse issues, no bad stuff on your end and you find a stable place to live, there should be no problem with either you two sharing equal custody or you getting full custody. As long as you show that you are not homeless I think you should be fine. I am In a similar predicament but on the opposite side. It's my parents house and we both dont have jobs, we just moved from out of state...so we're looking but no luck yet. I want to leave him, he has no clue, and I feel bad about dropping him on his ass without any friends, family or a job.

You can get help through medi-caid. They will help with food, money for at least renting a room as long as you dont cook meals with the other people in that home. In the program for Welfare to work, you will be exempt from having to participate inthe program until your child is 2 but it would be a good Idea to participate as a volunteer and they will pay for child care as long as you go to school for an in demand job. If you go to Heald/Everest you can get your AA or AAS degree in 18-24 months..it's quick compared to other places and child care will be provided for your son and you can get training for a good, decent paying job and get help with the cost of living for the both of you. I say, find a friend who is willing to take you and your son in for a month rent free and let you live there paying some kind of rent for a room, go to your human resourced dept and fill out a form requesting Emergency Aid...mark that you will run out of food in the next 3 days and that you have less than $100 and that you will run out of diapers in the next 3 days. You will get help within the week if you bring all the things they need fpor you and your son. those things are things like birth certificates, registration for any cars that are in your name, immunization records for your son, both of your social security cards, records of any bank accounts in your name, any assets you have like houses, CD accounts, etc. Welfare isnt fun, you get the bare minimum to survive and that's tough but it can be a help. The welfare to work program gave my fiance a certificate to be an auto tech and for a while he had a good job. In the area where we live, there are a lot of auto techs and not too many places to work, so that's the hard thing. If you go to school for omething in the medical field, you are bound to get a good paying job to at least support yourself and your son. I'm now going into the program and will be studying to be a paralegal at Heald. The program will help with transportation costs to school and to work if you participate.

In my opinion, I think that joint custody would be best for your son. A child needs both thier parents, or at least some type of male/female role modles to look up to. If your boyfriend is a good person and would never hurt your son, he should be in your sons life...same goes for you. I know that if I separated from my fiance, I would be granted full custody. He has a background of drunken violence related incidences and he is a sex offender (not sex with little kids...like he got a blow job from a 16 yr old when he was 18) and he has a warrent right now for a DUI from 2007. So, I would get full custody which is not what I want. I want him to be able to see Kylie whenever he wants and to be in her life. I feel like if I break up with him that he will go down hill again and not be able to be the good father that he is now. I know that if we separate, he will be making his own decisions and I know he is a big boy and should be able to take care of himself and make his own decisions but, i dont feel he's capable of that...me taking his daughter away will be devastating and it's hard when I feel liable for his actions in that way. how do you leave someone and leave them with nothing?

Catherine - posted on 01/03/2011




The idea here is really figuring out what you want and what will be best for your son in the long run. He is young enough now, it will effect him, but he will not remember as much. If you two are going to separate, you shoud work on keeping things as civil as possible between the two of you, and yes joint custody would be best. Besides, it sounds like it would do your boyfriend some good to keep your son sometimes. And it would do you some good too. We as mother's all need to have guiltfree time away from our children to either, work, play, whatever makes us feel human, and ourselves. Yes motherhood changes us into different people, but it doesn't put a boulder if front of you that you can't lift out of your path.
Try to work with your boyfriend now, explaining to him that you want to share custody and that you have no intent on keeping his son from him and that you want him to be able to see his son any time he wants. But that if he wants you to leave, he needs to be supportive in helping you get a job.
You cannot put these limitations on yourself
Also in California we have the Early Head Start Program. It sounds to me like you are a wonderful candidate for the program. They will help you as much as they possibly can.
They will child care for you, they will help you look for a job, they will help you come up with ideas on how to make day to day life easier.
I have met several women involved with Early Head Start and they all have wonderful things to say about it.

I'm sorry I do not know much about the legal side of this but I would be willing to say, if you get involved in the EarlyHeadStart program, your odds of having to turn your son over to your boyfriend are way less.

and just one question here, if your boyfriend works too much to care for a baby and so does his parents, then who does he intend to watch he child when he says he wants you to leave and to leave the child behind???
sounds like he hasn't really thought this through.
Don't worry Momma, you can do this.

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