Open adoption of a different sort

Jacqueline - posted on 05/26/2013 ( no moms have responded yet )




Our oldest son is adopted. Birthparents are no where in the picture, this is dealing with the sibs only. He was the youngest of 5 sibset. The 3 oldest(girls) are with one family #4 (boy) is with another and then he is with us. The other two families live in the same town and we are about 45 mins away. DS was just shy of 2 when adopted, the other kids were 4+. I did not agree to open adoption, however, I did tell the other 2 sets of adopted parents that I would be open to getting the children together occasionally once DS was a little older. He had never been with anyone long enough to "attach" and I wanted to ensure he had time to adjust to being a part of our family. He did not see his siblings for 2 years. They came to his 4th birthday party and everything was fine. I sent bday invites every year and Christmas cards with photos yearly but never got response from the other families. I took this as they no longer wanted to have the kids see each other. DS has known since he was just shy of3 that he is adopted as I became Oregon with twins and he began asking questions about being "in my tummy". We have been open with him, answer any questions as best we can age appropriately, and he has an adoption book. Just prior to his 7th bday he began asking if bio brother was coming to party. Once again I had not hear a peep out of them in response to invite, so I text his adoptive mom. She sent me a very hateful response about how I had "kept" DS from his siblings and the damage I did to them b/c I would not let DS see them. I also then received a three page letter continuing the insults about how I have ruined these children's lives & that the boy & 3girls saw each other regularly, went to each others houses, etc. I then decided to be the grown up and called the adopted mom of the three girls to see if she felt the same way and to remind them that I had sent multiple correspondence with no reply AND not once were we ever contacted to participated in these play dates of the sibset. After speaking with the A mom of the girls we decided to have a play date so the kids could meet each other again. The kids had a good time playing for the afternoon and everything went fine. HOWEVER, that night and in subsequent days DS was very upset that he could live with em, see them all the time, etc. I have no problems with the kids getting together occasionally, (every 2 months or so) but due to distance and our family schedule we don't have e time for it to be. More regular thing. Ours is only family with additional kids outside of the adopted children and the other 2 sets of parents are "retired" age whereas DH and I are still on the young end (small kids, careers, etc) of our lives. I do not like hthe reaction and behavior that appeared from DS after e play date, but I also want him to have "a" relationship with his bio siblings, just not as intensive as the A-mom of the other boy would like. She wants the raised as siblings but they live in 3 different households and frankly I don't think that is a realistic or healthy way to go about this. DS has fixated on bio brother (never even mentions bio sisters) and gets upset that bio brother can't be his full time brother (we have twin boys as well).

Has anyone else been in this type of situation?
Should I allow DS to meet with them occasionally even with the negative reaction after the fact?
What would you do in my shoes?

These kids came from a very bad situation (drugs, prostitution, living in back of pickup truck, etc) they are all in good stable, two parent homes with a wide support base and all are thriving and doing well considering their start in life. I would like for the children to have a relationship, but not if it is going to cause angst & behavioral issues in DS due to confusion.

Any input would be great.

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