Parents moving 45 minutes away from adult daughter

Annette - posted on 10/14/2015 ( 6 moms have responded )




Most stories are about the kids moving away from parents, but I'd like to know the opposite scenario. Daughter is 28, lives with her boyfriend. We've always lived within a mile of each other. Now parents want to scale down to a smaller house in a 55+ community, but it would be a 45-minute drive separating us. Daughter doesn't like 'change' and may be quite unhappy her parents would even think of moving from the home she loves. Would she be unreasonable to want us to stay? Would we be selfish to want to go? I fear in the future she will marry and have a child and that 45 minutes would "get in the way" of seeing our grandchild grow up on a daily basis. Any comments and suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, moms!


View replies by

Annette - posted on 10/15/2015




Yes, your comments help a lot!! Had a conversation with my daughter today and she put doubt in my mind. It's really not urgent that we move. I really respect my daughter's opinion, and doubt crept up, became itchy, and wouldn't go away. I figure even if my "pro" list was very long, the one item on the "con" list was very BIG in terms of all of us happy. I loved what you said, and I thank you tremendously for replying to my post. xoxoxoxoxox

[deleted account]

Hi, Annette: I'm going through something similar in our household. I'm the daughter-in-law who really loves her in-laws. They have been living with us for close to 2 years. The parents-in-law would like to move closer to their friends and church and it will be about 45 minutes to an hour drive away to where they want to move.

As the daughter-in-law, I'm feeling a little sad and maybe slightly "abandoned". Really for no reason, because I know the parents-in-law will be very involved with us, the family, and their grand child. I really really really like having them close by though. :)

I'd recommend letting the family know (reminding them) that you care and are close by. And for the daughter, I'm sure she also wants her parent(s) to be happy and have a fulfilling life too. I know I want my parents-in-law to be happy and live a fulfilling life. At the end of the day, no matter where either person(s) live, each have to make an effort to have a good relationship with each other. If you live further away, each will have to make an effort to schedule time to see each other regularly. If you live close by, each have to make an effort to be considerate of each other's needs and space. It really ends up being, what are the top priorities for each person - and will each make the effort to create the space for each other? I love my in-laws. I want them near by. I also want them to have a fulfilled good whole life that includes friends and community, in addition to us.

Hope that helps.

Annette - posted on 10/15/2015




Hi, Michelle. Your comment, "It's up to you if you make the 45 minute ride a hurdle or not..." resonated with me. It's perception, how I look at it. Yes, we will find a way. It is what it is. Living a mile from each other now, we don't see a lot of each other. That saying, When it's in your own backyard you don't visit, rings true. It's absolutely up to us to plan the visits on a regular basis to spend together. Thanks for your comments.

Jodi - posted on 10/15/2015




No it is not selfish of you to make a decision that suits you at this stage in your life. If your daughter gets upset, then sorry, she needs to grow the f&*k up. Of course it is unreasonable for her to expect you to say (although never unreasonable to WANT you to stay - there is a difference).

And you can still be involved with your grandchildren! My parents live about 8 hours away from me...and have done for years. They have a great relationship with my children. 45 minutes is not that far - standard commuter distance in many places.

Michelle - posted on 10/15/2015




My Mother lives an hour away and is in the same city, we are just at different ends. She still has a relationship with my children.
It's up to you if you make the 45 min drive a hurdle or not. If you want to see your grandchildren you will find a way.
I actually prefer my Mother a bit further away, I have my own life and I don't need her in it every second.
I think your daughter needs to grow up and act her age. She can't dictate how you live YOUR life so the way she may act shouldn't even come into your thoughts when making the decision!
On the other hand my in laws are on the other side of the world!!!! We still talk to them regularly and Skype quite often. The kids know who they are and still have a relationship with them.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/14/2015




Oh for...Ok, if Daughter, at the age of 28, is THAT attached, then parents have been helicopters her entire life, and haven't given her the confidence to stand on her own.
If parents are seriously considering giving in to the tantrum that they feel will ensue...I have no words for that.

Oh, and a 45 minute distance? NOTHING. My MIL lives over 3 HOURS away, and has stayed actively involved in my kids' lives for the last 20 years. Heck, she lived 2000 miles away and still stayed involved, so 45 minutes? If that short of a distance is what is given as the excuse of why one part of the family cannot see the other...there are way more issues than an internet forum can give you advice on.

Not to be rude, or anything, but I'm really laughing about that 45 minute drive. Where I live, in some of the cities, 45 minutes is the SHORT drive to work and back...most towns in my home state are well over that distance from each other, and families still manage to be very close. My grandparents were over 1.5 hours away, and we saw them almost every weekend. My mother was 2 hours away when my kids were little, but that didn't stop a relationship.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms