Partners Ex doesn't want me to be around the children

Nicole - posted on 12/13/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )




I have been with my partner for over a year, and we recently moved in together a month and a half ago. He has been separated from his Ex for almost 3 years, but they are still in the process of divorcing. They have two children, 6 and 4 yr old boys, who I adore. The 6 year old frequently starts big conversations with me about things like where the universe came from and time travel paradoxes. I love talking to him about this stuff, he is extremely gifted. Recently my partners ex has started an argument about boundaries, because she doesn't want me talking to her kids about that sort of thing (despite the fact that the 6 year old starts these conversations, and in order not to have them I would have to either lie or shut him down when he asked questions). She started the argument loudly in front of the children, but I insisted we step outside (I don't think the children should ever see any of the 3 of us fight). She is mainly upset that I told the 6 year old that he doesn't need to be afraid of Ghosts, because they're not real. He is extremely fearful of being alone, even in the bathroom, and can't make it through a single night in his own bed. When he was two, he told his mom that he thought he saw a ghost, and she has a ghost hunter come over to their house. The ghost hunter told him that there had been a ghost, but now it was gone. She has continued to re-enforce this idea through out his life, despite my partners objections. Now, when he is with us and afraid, my partner and I tell him that there is no proof of the existence of ghosts, so it is no more likely that one will show up then it is that spaghetti will fall from the sky, but he is still frightened. When we spoke the other day, she said I was not respecting her as a mother. I told her that I wouldn't ever say anything to the children that my partner had not OK'ed. She would not let it go, so I then told her that if she wants to tell me how much tv they should watch, when they should be in bed, that they shouldn't have sugar etc, I will be more than happy to oblige. But if she wants me to scare them with ghost stories that I know to be untrue (and that their father doesn't want them hearing), I simply won't do it. Now she is threatening to only allow their father to see them when I am not around, despite the fact that we live together. Can she do that? What can we do about it? Any insights would be helpful. *worth noting that they are not, and have never been a religious family, so it isn't a cultural/god issue in that sense.


Ev - posted on 12/14/2014




I have to agree with the other ladies. You should respect both parents' views on things and not continue to discuss them with the child. As said it is confusing for a child. And you may be over stepping the bounds as well. When subjects like this come up and he wants to talk about them and its something you definitely know the mom does not want discussed, do not discuss it with him and send him to his dad. If you plan to stick this out, you will come into other issues that you might want to have a few words on and its not your place to say on anyhow. You have been with this man a year while he is still legally married to the mother of his children. You should have waited until he was totally done with the divorce, custody, and other issues before even have met the kids and moved in with him.


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Sarah - posted on 12/13/2014




This really must be handled between the parents. If this whole ghost and ghost hunter issue occurred when the boy was just 2, then dad was there when it happened.
If the child asks you about ghosts or the afterlife, my advice is to tell him you cannot discuss it with him and he can take his questions to his father. It does not matter if you don't believe in ghosts or not, she does. If this were a discussion about God, and she believes, you wouldn't tell the boy that God doesn't exist. Faith and matters beyond concrete explanation are touchy subjects even for adults to discuss. To say some people believe but I don't and that's ok to a 6 year old just confuses the issue for him. If, the issue is fear, find a way for him to handle that fear. Something that empowers him rather than confuses him. Create a "ghost free" zone, or anti-ghost spray. Kids are magical thinkers at that age and to constantly tell him the opposite of what his mom tells him isn't fair to him.

Nicole - posted on 12/13/2014




Hi Michelle,
Thanks for responding. I tried going with the 'people think different things' line, but she's not taking anything short of my telling him ghosts are real. I'm gathering from your response that you are a believer, so I mean no disrespect, I just can't see any benefit in confirming irrational fears.

Michelle - posted on 12/13/2014




Personally I would drop the subject of ghosts. You have 1 belief and she has another, this is just confusing the poor children. I think you need to explain to the children that people are allowed to have different beliefs and views and that's what makes us all different.
Just because you don't believe then it doesn't make it true. He has been scared by his experience, he needs to be helped through his fear, not just told he was seeing things or is making things up. Children are more tuned into the paranormal and afterlife than adults and do see things that adults can't.

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