Please don't judge me for these questions. (abuse, relationship related)

Kim - posted on 07/16/2012 ( 9 moms have responded )




I have been with my 9 month olds father for almost 2 years now and I'm currently pregnant with another child from him. We've had a very toxic relationship and there has been a lot of abuse, cops have been called, he's been arrested on many occasions. However... he has always come back. always. I know everybody will wonder why I am even asking this stuff... but in a way, I have no closure.

Roughly a month ago or so he was arrested again for 2d degree assault, given a no contact order, I called on him after getting mad 1 night and he was arrested again, and let out on bail with another no contact order, last thursday i called on him AGAIN due to being upset and worked up and he was arrested again and released once more on bail.

so he is currently out as we speak... and I have no heard a word from him since. The longest we've gone without speaking/seeing each other is around 3 or 4 days and it's now about to go past that. His mother and I DO NOT get along nor have we ever and she is the one who keeps bailing him out.... I know he is probably VERY angry and VERY nervous with the law.... but heres what I don't understand.

He's logged onto his email & his IM & such still has a picture of us, his photobucket still remains with all the pictures of us & our son, and he really hasn't seemed to change anything online but we've shared accounts for things and I'm pretty sure he's logged into them since the last incident.

Like I said I just feel as if I have no closure and if this is the end... I guess it's the end and is probably what is for the best but I just feel so sad & alone & depressed. Please do not judge me, but does anybody have any opinions on this?

His mom is our leasing agent to the apartment that we share so he is currently staying with her.


Krista - posted on 07/16/2012




The closure you're looking for is for him to have an epiphany, realize what he's done, and come crawling back with sincere apologies. That's why you feel sad and alone...because things weren't "supposed" to go this way.

But, this is real life, and things rarely end the way we want them to.

Most of us who have dated have relationships that ended ambiguously, and would have loved to have had an "exit interview", so to speak, so that we can dissect the relationship and tie off all the loose ends. But that RARELY ever happens. So you can let it bother you, but that accomplishes nothing.

You have a 9 month old baby who NEEDS a healthy home life. You now have a chance to provide that. Stop looking back. This chapter in your life may not have been tied up in a neat little bow, but it's over nonetheless. It's time for you to move on, and for your baby's sake, cut the cord with your ex.

Time to stop looking back and start looking forward.

Michelle - posted on 07/16/2012




I would just leave it alone for awhile, he is an abusive man and you deserve better than that. You need to decide for yourself if you are done with this man or not, not if he is done with you. He will always be the father to your children but that does not mean you have to stay in a volatile relationship. Dig deep and see what it is you really want.

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Dove - posted on 07/16/2012




So he has a no contact order with you and he kept coming back anyway? Is that what you are saying? PLEASE stay away from him. Go to court to get full custody and request that he only get supervised visitations. With his arrest record this 'shouldn't' be too hard.

Stay safe!! I would also recommend setting up all of your own online accounts and transferring anything in your joint accounts into your private ones.

I would also recommend you get into some counseling as recovering from an abusive relationship can be very difficult. It can help get you the closure you need as well.

User - posted on 07/16/2012




I imagine it would be difficult but you've got to get out of this relationship. He will always be dad, but you and your kids deserve better. Good,luckk

Kim - posted on 07/16/2012




I am about to turn 22 and he's going to be 29 in October. He's got a very bad drinking problem and that has caused soo many problems. He refuses to quit and I know I need to move on from this I just feel as if I have no closure and I do have lots of love for him still, but I feel like I'm left hanging and I have NO idea what he is even thinking.

Cherish - posted on 07/16/2012




That is a hard situation.
People that have been in abusive relationships often have self esteem issues...I am sure being pregnant is not helpful as far emotions go either.
You said that it was a toxic relationship,and I am sure you both do things you are not proud of(EVERYONE does)
You said the mother keeps bailing him out,but you can not blame her for that,if he has a no contact order and he is with you,you both know that he will get in trouble if he is caught.

I am assuming that you both are either 1-young and/OR 2-one of you has a history of drinking/drug abuse.
If he has come back 3 times with a no contact order and if you are looking at his whatever online I honestly think that you both still love each other,you just both do not know how to communicate or resolve conflicts with each other....
Is there anyway you could go to individual or couples therapy?
Even if you are not going to be with him,you have 2 children with him and learning conflict resolution would probably he helpful as you have MANY MANY years of having to solve problems together,as parents,if not as a couple
I know it is stressful to not talk,but maybe it will be helpful for both of you to have time to think.
Have you made a list of things you do/don't like about him?If the bad outweighs the good,then it is probably time to think about moving on.
When you are sad,remember that nothing is permanent and things always change.So even if you do "break up",it does not mean that it will be forever.

Stifler's - posted on 07/16/2012




My opinion is that you should end things. Delete any join accounts and get your own, move out and take him to court to work out the custody arrangement. It is NOT fair to you or your child to have to put up with this bullshit of being angry and violent and going to jail and then getting out.

Kim - posted on 07/16/2012




Thank you, Michelle. I know I need to decide, I just have a million things running through my head right now, but thank you. :)

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