Please help me save my marriage.

Lisamarie - posted on 06/14/2011 ( 5 moms have responded )




My husband and I have been together for 8 years now, maried for 5 in August, We had our first child 6 months after marrying and our 2nd child came along 2 and a half years later. Both our children and our marriage were planned. I was 15 when we met and he was 17, we fell in love pretty quickly. Back then he would go out most nights drinking and when we moved in together a year later he still went out I went too, when I was old enough but got pregnant pretty soon after my 18th bithday so no more for me! My husband went out occasionally but after having our first child he stopped. He'd go out maybe 3/4 times a year. Alcohol started making me sick after just one drink, regardless of what drink that was, so I stopped drinking, I was never a party girl anyway; he still went out, no problems with that.
The problem I have now is that I feel he is neglecting his family. He starts work at 8am and gets home around 4:30pm, we play with our children and have dinner, that's fine. Our son goes to bed at 6 and our daughter at 7. Our daughter NEVER sleeps, like I said she goes at 7pm and doesn't actually go to sleep until 9:30-10pm! But as soon as the childen are in bed he goes straight on his xbox (online multi-player=no pause button) and if the children are playing up I have to sort them even if I was sorting out the washing or doing the ironing.
I'm a housewife and he moans at me about cleaning the house, fine, but he comes home from work, strips down and leaves his work clothes over the floor or on the kitchen sides, kicks his shoes to the side of the room leaves his bags and boxes all over the kitchen!
He keeps telling me he needs time out away from me and the kids because it gets too much for him, I have a lot more patience than him and find it easier to cope with the children. We spoke extensively about having children and getting amrried and he led me to believe he was ready. I would never bring children into the world without a secure, stable environment. Some people may say we were young but I truly believed (and still do) that I was totally and completely ready to start a family. I love my husband and it breaks my heart to know that he dosen't enjoy his time with me and our children.
I would just like to add that a went through depression after having our first child (not PND) and we went through a rough patch, I was a nightmare to live with and we had terrible arguements. I got help and we got through it together, since then I've kinda let arguements go over my head, I tend to keep quiet now to avoid confrontation. I really want this to work out, not for our children, but for me. I want him to be here because he wants to be not because he has to be.
So, what do you think? Am I expecting too much of him? Should I let him go out for a drink (he says one then doesn't come home until the early hours of the morning.) when he feels he needs it? Or should I start putting my foot down more? He told me, when going through the depression, that if I didn't sort myself out he would leave, should I give him the same ultimatum? (Although, I think he knows I'll never go)
Please help me, I don't want my marriage to be over.


Louise - posted on 06/14/2011




I think you need to organize time together and time alone to socialize. He obviously has some growing up to do. He needs to realise that not only does he need to play with his kids that his wife needs some adult time as well without a game station. I know how you feel my husband spends many hours on the internet in the evenings and it leaves me feeling very alone and depressed. You need to schedule date nights where the two of you can be you again and not mum and dad. If he wants to go out once a week then fine but he has to come home at a reasonable hour and not drunk. He has to realise that you can do the same whether it is a night out with the girls or a night school class. you are entitled to some you time away from the kids. You can work through this but he needs to realise he is neglecting you and that you need more from him then just his pay check. Sit down and discuss this together or seek couples councilling.

Katherine - posted on 06/14/2011




You should read "The love Dare." ;)

Edit to add: It is religious but it's a GREAT book and resource.

Danielle - posted on 06/14/2011




You should look into some marriage counseling. My DH & I started this spring, not the same situation. It's been a life saver. I think that b/c Men "work" away from home they don't have any clue what a stay at home goes thru, but staying quiet he thinks you accept his actions, but making demands you will probably lose him. good luck to you. One of the biggest lessons that I've learned from my counselor is that Love is not an emotion but a decision.


View replies by

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms