Raising my 19 year old sister.

Ebrianneparker - posted on 04/18/2016 ( 1 mom has responded )




I am the oldest of 4 girls. I basically grew up watching out for my mother. My step dad is an alcoholic and was abusive and very controlling of my mother. When I was 15, my step dad started forcing me to work for them at McDonalds and I never got a paycheck over 3 years. They would give me a sob story that they weren’t able to feed the family without my paycheck. They forced my next two sisters to work for free as well. When I was 18, I realized there was no way they couldn’t afford to make it without my paychecks. I put my foot down and refused to work unless they gave me my paychecks. I was pretty irresponsible with my money. They had always lived paycheck to paycheck and were deep in debt. I started figuring out that they were not only pot heads, but pill addicts as well. My step dad always hid his addiction quite well, whereas my mother it was obvious. He was good at manipulating my sisters to believe everything he said. Our mother was always the only one with a problem in their eyes. In 2009, a year after graduating high school and still working at McDonalds, I met my now husband. He started figuring out how controlling my parents were. They wouldn’t ever allow me to get a license, or a way to drive to college an hour way. A few months later, my grandfather passed away, and my mother went crazy. She was not only over prescribed antidepressants, but she was getting a lot of other pills from coworkers and the druggies in town. She was not our mother. She continuously cut us down, made us steal money for her and help her get drugs, and turned coworkers and everyone against us. I moved out with my now husband not long after.
For years, I would buy my sisters clothes. I was going to college and working myself. So it wasn’t easy to buy them the few things I could. The two middle sisters eventually got pregnant and are still struggling on their own. I had been helping take care of my baby sister for years. Financially & emotionally. Her parents didn’t give a crap. They lived in a super nasty roach infested and cat infested house. She pretty lived in her bedroom. She’s always been smart, and she didn’t want to be like the rest of our family. I was paying for her school stuff, clothes, and food. One day I picked her up at 5 o clock at night and the only thing she had to eat that day was a fruit roll up. I was even buying her toiletries, because they rather buy alcohol and who knows what else. It was a little hard on my marriage, because it’s not like we had a lot of extra money. In august of 2014, our parents up and moved away. They never even asked her to go with them. She didn’t want to move in with my husband and I until her Christmas break, but it was a pain for me going over to her house daily to get her, feed her, and bring her back. In early December, she was sick at my house, so my husband and I decided to get her stuff to move her in while she was sleeping. We had no idea how bad the house was, because I stopped going in the house years ago because I hated our parents. It smelled so bad of cat feces that it made me sick to my stomach. It was completely infested with german roaches. It killed me seeing my aby sister living like that. I found out that the water wasn’t on. No idea how long it had been since they had paid the water bill. My sister woke up and found out while we were gone. She had a break down. I’m sure it was hard on her for us to see how she was living, and we really didn’t want her furniture in our house because the roaches were that bad.
It took a few months but she came around. She fought me on a curfew at first, but she came around. She hated our dinners that were real food instead of fast food and junk. That was always a struggle and still is. She graduated high school with good grades. I went through three months of getting her claimed independent through the college she wanted to attend. Because of her parents and them refusing to even talk to us or help at all, she wouldn’t have been able to go to college if she hadn’t of been independent. Over the years she has saved every dollar she ever got from birthdays and Christmas from our grandmother. She would do small jobs for us here and there. She currently has $2,000 saved up that she is living off of. She doesn’t have any bills. I am still paying her cell phone bill. The problem is that she refuses to get a job. I know its hard to go to school and work at the same time, but she needs to get a job over the summer. She has never had a job. She turns into a huge brat if things don’t go her way. She doesn’t buy her own clothes, so she wears mine a lot. I am finally graduating this next month. I have always paid for my clothes and extras myself with my money that I worked for while going to college over the last 6 years. My husband and I just decided to combine our finances completely. He has been tired of my baby sister for awhile. She doesn’t help at the house at all. We get home from work and she has her dirty dishes in the sink for us to wash. Every once in awhile she will do dishes, but not often. We come up with things for her to do to make money, but rarely does she do them.
We decided this year that she needs to get a job this summer, or she has to move out. I’m terrified that she is going to turn out like the rest of our family, and I know she doesn’t want to. She never listens to any other approach I’ve tried, so this time we figured we’d give her an ultimatum. She will most likely try being sweet and hope we forget about it. We found out that we’re pregnant. We live in a small old house right now, so I will have to move my office into the side of her bedroom. Her bedroom is giant and very long, and she is only home during the summer and breaks. She got mad saying I don’t need an office and that I may as well kick her out. Today I changed my Spotify password and she flipped. I told her she can pay the $5 a month for her own Spotify, that she needs to start paying for her own things. She told me “I’m sorry I don’t have parents to pay for anything for me and I’m broke”. I told her that I never had parents to pay for anything for me either, that it has been her choice not to work at all to have extra money. She really stresses us out, and now that we have to save money to have our baby (our insurance has NO one in our side of the state to deliver) and we also need to buy at least a little better car since mine is going to die any day. We have decided not to buy her any food at all over the summer. If she wants to eat anything besides what we cook, she can pay for it herself.
She tried making me feel bad, but I feel like she’s taking advantage of me. I ended up spending over $700 on her this last Christmas because she kept begging for things and made me feel bad. Last week, I had to yell at her to give me my dresses back that she took to college. She doesn’t want to buy her own, so she expects me to let her have mine because she needs them for school. She only needs maybe 3 for the rest of this semester and could’ve easily bought some dresses for less than $100. Instead, she gets a $60 tattoo. She expected me to do her taxes. She doesn’t even try to do them or anything. She says she doesn’t know how so she thinks that’s a legitimate excuse. She didn’t even thank me for doing her taxes.
I just some guidance. I don’t know where to draw the line. I don’t want to be too mean, but she needs to start being a responsible adult.


Ev - posted on 04/18/2016




Honey, if she is 19 years old she is an adult and it is time you just cut her off totally and let her figure things out. She will sink or swim. You gave in to her whims when you spent 700 on her at Christmas when you should have set aside the money for other things that were necessary. You have come such a long way from what you grew up in and I would hate to see you end up supporting her the rest of her life and your husband deciding to leave because of that. Let her go...pack her bags, change the locks and let her go.

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