Recommendations for co-parenting.

Jacklyn - posted on 02/16/2016 ( 3 moms have responded )




Hi All,

My son's father and I have never been married or lived together. We are not together, and tried to make things work after our son was born, but because he did not provide me with the support, partnership, fidelity or even respect I needed, I decided to end things. It was my choice, and I am content with that choice as I am no longer stressed out about him saying he cares but not being here for our son or I. The thing is, he asked me to figure things out ourselves in terms of money and visitation, and he is paying me every month what I asked which is about what I would get through court anyway, but beyond that he really isnt doing much more. My main concern is my son's upbringing. I dont feel comfortable with my son's father seeing him when its convenient or when he feels like it. Case in point, he hasnt seen him in two months (but has paid child support) and despite my effort to get him to spend time with him, he finds excuses. He says he is either too tired, or I just want to control him and tell him how to live his life. At one point, he told me to stop chasing because I dont get it. It actually hurt me a lot when he said I was chasing him romantically or trying to control him because I asked him to watch my son since I had class after work... I am a part time grad student and full time worker. Anyways, my main question is, at what point do I stop trying to get him to be in his life... I dont think i need to file for child support as he pays me. Do I just let him see him when he does make the effort? I want my son to have a relationship with his dad, but it seems like my son's father doesnt want a relationship with him.


Ev - posted on 02/17/2016




I am going to add to what Sarah E. has posted. Child support and visitation are separate issues really. Even though he is paying you support that you two agreed on already, that does not mean that one day he will stop all of a sudden because he feels it is a burden or such. You need that court order so that day won't happen. Also you need to quit going after him to visit with his son. He has rejected your advances in this because you are nagging him to death with it. As she said offer once a week to have him come visit his son as you work it out. Keep a record of the times, days, and so on offered. But you need to get a court order for visitation and custody set up too. It binds the parents to their obligations to the child, it makes certain the child has relationships with both parents, and protects all concerned that way if one parent does not meet their obligations they can be held accountable. Even with visitation set up, you still can not force a person to do anything and that would be on dad's shoulders if he does not comply or visit.


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Michelle - posted on 02/17/2016




The other ladies have pretty much covered it.
Just because he is paying now doesn't mean he won't just stop when he wants. What if he gets a new girlfriend and she sticks her nose in and complains about what he is paying you? It has happened, I've seen it on here so many times.
There is also nothing stopping him from having your son and then not giving him back. I've seen that happen as well.
It's always best to get court orders for custody, visitation and child support. That way everyone knows where they stand. If he chooses not to have you son on his days then that's up to him.
Like Evelyn said, child support and visitation are separate issues.

Sarah - posted on 02/16/2016




You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Sadly the same applies to parenting. IMO you'd be wise to get a child support order from the courts as he is obligated to support the child. Trusting him is not enough. As far as parenting, keep offering, but if he refuses; try to add other positive male role models into your son's life.

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