SD getting spanked for calling me mommy

[deleted account] ( 5 moms have responded )

I have been in my step daughters life since the day she was born. husband and i got married a few months before she was born, but i was in his life a year prior except a couple months when we had a break and his daughter was concieved. So I didn't really talk to BM in the beginning a whole lot. We did become friendly and on talking terms and when SD started talking she starting calling me mommy, my husband had no problem with it seeing as how we both have step parents and call our step parents mom and dad. and we also knew who our Birth Parents were. Step mom eventually allowed it as well, and would tell her that She is mommy at her house and I am mommy at daddys house. But when she and my husband got into an arguement and she was also mad at my for bringing the problem to my husbands attention, she decided that she didn't want my step daughter calling me mom anymore, so she learned my name. Ive asked step daughter now why she stopped calling me mom, and she said because her mommy said no and she will get in trouble. that She will get spanked and that I'm not her mommy. My husband tells her that I am also her mom, that she just wasnt in my belly.

do you think it was wrong for bio mom to agree to her calling me mom and then taking it back because she got mad? and now spanking her if she does call me mom?

I understand now that her calling me mom is going to get her in trouble so I don't really mind that she calls me my name, and I can't really control what mom does or says.


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[deleted account]

I really don't feel it would do any good for husband or all three of us to talk, Bio mom is the reason we do not talk, because she doesn't want to, or anytime she doesn't like what she hears she hangs up or ignores us, or just leaves. So what else can we do? not much i suppose.

Ariana - posted on 09/24/2013




I think it is wrong that the biomom did that especially without talking to you. It's one thing for her to not want her daughter to call you mom but she could have said to you that this is something that bothered her, and her daughter shouldn't be spanked over it.

I personally believe that the bioparent and step-parent should work together as much as possible to accommodate each other in these situations. I think as a step-parent unfortunately that may mean not having the child call you mom if the biomom is really offended by it. My personal opinion is that children should call the stepparent what they want (be it mom or by their name, whatever they decide).

Unfortunately this is a power struggle, the mom is upset, she doesn't want her title being given away to someone other than herself, she is trying to regain control of the situation through this. Is it right? No. But will fighting it help? No. That will just make the situation worse.

If I were you I would be straight-forward with the mother (you or your husband depending on who you both feel should talk in these situations). Tell her what your step-daughter said, that she was spanked because of calling you Mom. I would then tell her that you wished she had come and talked to you about this so you two could have worked together to have her daughter transition into calling you by your first name rather than it become so negative that she got spanked over it.

Like you said, you don't even mind that she doesn't call you Mom, but you do mind how she neglected to speak with you about it.

Ultimately though you are correct, you cannot do anything about this. Try to stay out of any power struggles. Sometimes you just have to be the better person, your step-daughter I'm sure will see this. Of course always remember to never say anything negative about your step-childs bioparent but like I said, she will eventually look back on how everyone acted and your actions will speak louder than any words. Plus it isn't a competition (as her mom obviously is taking it). You are there to be a cooperative adult in the childrens lives, not to play 'who's really mommy'.

So good for you for staying so calm.

Cecilia - posted on 09/23/2013




I think this is simply the mother trying to get a rise out of you and your husband. I think him bringing it up to her will only cause a fight.

It is wrong for her to put her child in the middle of a fight and no other adult should continue to have this child in the middle.

If you're comfortable with her calling by your first name then just let it go. I know many step parents who go by their first names (my husband included). You can see someone as a mom and never use that title. My foster mom was called her first name by me. She is in most ways my mom. She knows it and I know it. That's all there needs to be.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/23/2013




This should have been discussed and agreed upon from the get go. If it was, as you say, and she originally didn't have a problem, then your husband needs to man up and tell her that she needs to stick with her original word.

It all goes back to your husband needs to stand his ground, and quit avoiding conflicts with her.

Ev - posted on 09/23/2013




I do not agree that she should get into trouble with calling you mom and so on especially being spanked for it. WHat you three should have done at the beginning was to sit down and discuss what kinds of things the child would call you when the time came and started to refer to you as that name. THat would have solved all the troubles.

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