Should bio father be able to come and go after years of no contact?

Adam - posted on 09/06/2015 ( 3 moms have responded )




Hello, I'm new and a father at that. Not sure if that's against the rules but I just wanted to get some advice and perhaps vent a little. Here it goes, I met this girl (21 and I was 25) in 2013. She already had a 1 and half yr old girl. Her and the father had issues and he was a drug addict and thief and never really supported or watched his daughter from what I'm told. So when I came into the picture he was already out of it (she already had a different bf than the father, i kind of stole her from this other bf) but bio dad wasn't making any attempt to see his daughter except to use her to get to the mother. He even showed up at her apartment one night when I happened to be there and it was 1am, and he asked to see his daughter. She told him no its way too late and he asked if he could come in and he didn't know I was there. She said no and closed the door. The one and only time I've ever seen or heard this man. Since, he has made no contact with his daughter, I have supported her, poddy trained, fed, taught, loved, the whole nine yards with her. Now, 2 years later, the mother and I have our own 8 month old and the 4 yr old just started preschool. She calls me daddy hugs me, tells me she loves me and I treat her no different than my 8 MO. Recently the dad of the 4 yr old has been saying to their mutual friends he wants to see his daughter and have a relationship. She blocked him on FB and didn't give him her number and said he would have to go to court to see her, but now she is talking about possibly allowing her to see her bio father soon. I am not sure if that will be beneficial or detrimental? I know that now that we have our own daughter and the 4 of us are happy together, I'm skeptical and somewhat threatened by the idea of bio dad coming back into the 4yr Olds life when I've been the one here supporting all of them and playing his role. I feel it will only mess her up more. ( she has had some jealousy issues with the new baby) But I can't rightfully tell the mother no the daughter cant see her biodad. I grew up not knowing my real father and it always left me asking questions. But I don't also want my actual daughter to have any repercussions from this, as I know things will change and I'm sure the 4yr old will soon enough connect that they are step sisters and who knows how that could affect their relationship. Essentially I don't want to deal with this other man, and think he should just go away forever. I've expressed my concern to the mother, but she tends to get mad and walk away. Which I find troubling considering she has a huge trust issue, meaning she accuses me of cheating and goes through my phone whenever I am asleep, even though I am nothing but faithful. In fact, the other night she was going through my phone while I slept and ended up waking me up saying we were done and to get out(even though it's my house and I pay each and every bill). She had seen something on one of my ex gf Facebook from years ago and didn't look at the date, thinking it was from recent when in fact it was over 5 yrs ago. Then she appologized. But I'm tired of being questioned 24/7 and have NO privacy and get in huge fights if I ever want to have guy time away from her. I dont know what to do here. Do I stay and let whatever happens with the step daughter and bio dad, or do I fight it. Or do I leave and try and get custody of my child to keep her away from that? I don't know, and I know I should have thought before we got to this point and had a child, but it's too late and now I have to deal with the situation at hand. Any advice is appreciated.


MaryAnn - posted on 09/06/2015




Biodad is of no threat to you. DO NOT even worry about it. Seriously. He will do what he will do, and really, only the courts can stop it, they probably wont, but they will at least set up some basic rules and boundaries. But whatever he does, it in no way lessens or depreciates your comtributions in your little girl.
As for the privacy and trust issues... Best to get a handle on that. Its hard, but its well worth just calling a truce and trusting one another. Counselling may help you find the direction, but you both really have to put in the work for that.

Michelle - posted on 09/06/2015




I agree with Jodi, the child has a right to know who her Father is. Your daughter and step daughter are actually half sisters, not step sisters as well.
You said yourself that you didn't know your Father and it left you with a lot of questions. why do you want that for her?

In regards to your relationship, are you 100% confident that she isn't cheating? I only say that because my ex always accused me of cheating when he was the one cheating. If you want the relationship to work then I also suggest couples counselling as it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at the moment.

Jodi - posted on 09/06/2015




OK, there appear to be two issues here, and they don't go hand-in-hand. so I will address them one at a time.

1. The child has a right to a relationship with her father. I understand he hasn't been around much, but people change, and as long as he isn't a danger to the child, he has every right to a relationship with her, just as the child has a right to a relationship with her father. If he decided to take it to court, and it turns out mum has tried to keep him away, she could be in all sorts of trouble. It's great that you have stepped up and been a father to this child, but she also has a biological father who has rights.

2. Clearly there are issues in your relationship. You should seek couples counselling to sort it out. If there are trust issues, things will not end well, so these need to be addressed. You now have a child together, so you should consider counselling to see if you can save the relationship before you just give up on it.


View replies by

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms