Should I feel guilty for throwing out my 21 years old son?

Jasmine A - posted on 11/06/2015 ( 1 mom has responded )




I came across this site today and have read lots of posts by other moms. I feel that I am not alone.

This is my story, I recently allowed my 21 years old son to move back into my house. Prior to moving, we discussed house rules and boundaries; my son has been away at university and living with other students for 2 years. He told me that he could no longer afford the rent as a student and moving back at home was the only option.

I had problems with his behaviour in the past and was very wary of him moving back with me again; I am a single mother. He had been verbally abusive as well as borderline physical. He reassured me that living away from home had changed him, he was now a responsible young man. Furthermore, he said, he would contribute financially to the household as well as help me with chores around the house and the small business that I was running.

Everyone deserves a second chance, I guess. I allowed him to move back to the house on 31st August 2015, the next day was Bank Holiday (I am in the UK). I had prior plans to stay with friends for a days from Bank Holiday till Wednesday. I have another house guest; so, when I left my son on the Bank Holiday, gave him the keys and say he could help himself to any food in the fridge.

The following day, I got a phone call from my house-guest that my son had thrown a big party for all his friends. they were smoking, drinking, using drugs, swearing and using racist and sexist words. The party lasted till 10am, I had to come back at home and the house was a total mess. My son promised not to do it again; he did it again 3 weeks later.

I reminded him of our previous discussions about house rules and the fact that he should not invite his friends to the house without my prior consent.

Since moving back, he has done nothing, completely dropped out of University, he sleeps all day and party with his friends all night, stays away from the home for days and then appear and disappeared again. He is rude, manipulative, aggressive, feels entitled, verbally abusive, disrespectful calling me all names under the sun; told me that I was a bad mother, accused me of cheating on his dad (never happened, his father and I divorced when he was 3 years old!) and uses the F and B words all the time.

Since moving back, had not even contributed a penny, instead, he begs me for money for public transport to go to his part-time job, he has done no chores around the house, my new carpet have burnt holes from cigarettes. The only time when he is nice, it's when he wants money or begging for money with the false pretence of paying it back, which never materialises

Anyway, I had enough, I asked him to leave, he refused, saying that he will not leave, he will stay in the house as he is my "son" and I have the obligation to look after him. I contacted the police, through non emergency number and arranged for them to attend today; however, when I asked my son to give me the keys back, he refused. I had to pay to have the keys changed.

On Wednesday night, he became very aggressive to me, shouting and swearing and calling me all kinds of names and saying that he was going to burn the house down. My house guest heard everything, but did not intervened, he later told me that "I heard everything, I would never talk to my mother like that..." That evening the police attended and removed my son.

This morning at 2.30am, he turned up and the door, knocking and screaming all kind of words and that I should let him in. I calmly told him that I could not let him in, he should go to his father's house, which is just 20 minutes away, he refused. He started using threatening words and things like; "What would your father think of you throwing me out?" What would your grandfather thinks, you are bringing shame to the family's name..." This was purely to embarrassed me to my neighbours, I am beyond feeling embarrassed or need the approval of my neighbours. My son have to face up to reality that in order for people to live together peacefully, we all need to abide by certain rules and boundaries

I had no choice but to call the police; my son is 6'0, big and stronger than me. When the police arrived, in his typical manipulative way, told them that he had come to pick up his belongings. I told the police that I was happy for him to pick his stuff up during the day, not at 2.30am in the morning.

Should any parent have to put up with his anti-social behaviour from their adult children?


Jodi - posted on 11/06/2015




You've done the right thing. And if he continues to turn up and abuse you, you need to file for a restraining order. I would not let him in the house to collect his belongings without the presence of the police if I were you.

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