Should I go out of my way to take my son to see his father?

Kat - posted on 03/05/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )




Scenario: My son is 5 years old. Father and I broke up July 2012 and he moved back with his mother 2 hours away. I am stable, good job, good hours, etc. Father has no job, a beater car but has always been there since day 1 until we went our separate ways. We verbally agreed that as long as he helps me with babysitting at times, I am not putting him on child support, nor stop him from seeing his son. (He quit his job when our son was 6 months old because he was making minimum wage and it cost more for babysitting than what he makes and I had a good paying job). So since our son was 6 months, until now, he had always watched our son, took him to games, school, classes, etc. I have exellent hours at work, so I was able to participate at most as well.

So August through October, I would buy him train tickets to come here and see his son and he'd stay at my apartment.
Oct 31 - he promised his son he'd take him trick or treating because I had work but we got in an arguement and he left. my mom took my son.
November - i offered for him to take the train to see our son before his birthday (we were going on a cruise for his birthday), he kept putting it off
After he got a new girlfriend, all of a sudden, he only wants to watch our son at his house (2-3 hours away), knowing our son has school here.

I have no issues with his new girlfriend, but New years week, my son stayed there for 4 days. He came back and said 1) his father's new girlfriend's son was mean to him 2) my son's father sent me a photo of my son playing with the girl's son, and i noticed those were not my sons pajamas he had on. my son said his father made him wear the other kid's pj's. his father claims he bought him new ones. 3) my son said his father made him sleep in the kids room ( he had bunk beds) and he could hear his father having sex.

My son says he misses him. I let him call his dad as much as possible and skype and constantly send his dad photos.

I told his father I am not stopping him from seeing his son but only if he comes here to see him. After that New year visit, i am hesitant on letting my son sleep over there anymore. I also refuse to drive 2-3 hours to take him there only for me to drive back another 2-3 hours but at times I feel bad for my son. I want my son to learn what kind of father he has for himself, but I dont want to downgrade his father to him and make him think I am putting those in my son's head.

Please help! Should I still let my son sleep over there? Should I drive out there to take my son for my son's sake? Or would I be blurring his vision on seeing what his dad really is if I do that?


Ev - posted on 03/05/2013




I agree with these ladies but I would like to take this a step further. Why do you not set up custody agreement? This would do a few things for you.

1) Sets up a visitation roster and it makes the non-custodial parent responsible for getting to and from visits with the kid: meaning if you had primary custody he would have to come get your son and return your son on said visits.

2) Address the problem of the girlfriend staying overnight and having sex while your son is there. Most custody setups make it plain and simple: no one to be in house of opposite sex unless married to the other parent or a relation such as a sister, grandmother, or something akin to that.

3) Sets up father for child support as well no matter how well you are set finacially. He is the father and therefore he is obligated to provide for his child or children no matter his employment problems or not.

4) This protects the child.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/05/2013




I agree with Dove.

With one question, you said your boy is five, so how would he know WHAT he was hearing from another room? Just curious. I don't see a problem with the pajamas, I do see a possible issue with treatment by the gf and her son, but that can be addressed with your ex. I don't see a problem with him sharing a room with the gf's kid, either.

The points that you bring up for not wanting to take him to see his father aren't all that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.

I would, however, as Dove suggested, make him pony up for the expenses.


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Dove - posted on 03/05/2013




I would not be paying the father to spend time with his son... which is essentially what you've been doing, but I don't see any reason from what you've posted to not let the overnights continue.... except maybe what the girlfriend DID that was mean (like if it was physical)....

If your ex wants to see his son, he can find a way to meet you halfway on the cost at least.

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