Should i go to my stepson's school functions?

Stefany - posted on 08/21/2012 ( 565 moms have responded )

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My stepson is 5 and he is starting kindergarten this year. I have been around him and taking care of him since he was 2 and my husband has 50/50 custody. We also have another child together. Do you think it is okay for me to go along to his parent teacher conferences if he and his son want me too? I feel i should go since i am going to be helping him with schoolwork etc. the time he is with us.

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NANCY - posted on 08/30/2012

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Yes , if the biological mum is not attending. If she is then it depends on wether you are comfortable around each other.

Emma - posted on 08/30/2012

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You've been taking care of him since he was 2, you are part of his life and you already formed a bond with him. If his daddy approves as well as his biological mother-then there shouldn't be a problem.

Mumbi - posted on 08/30/2012

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You should definitely go! You are now a part of his family, and this will reassure him of your love for you. God gives all of us children in different ways. Some people give birth, others adopt, and others are step-parents. Whichever way the child comes into your life does not change the responsibility you have in their upbringing. Please love your step-son and support him and your husband in all ways.



Mumbi,

Kenya.

Linda - posted on 08/29/2012

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I say go. My husband and I split up when my son was in kinder. He went back to his ex who never wanted to participate in anything. The one time he spent the night with the two of them she was rude to our son and told him that since he was adopted and we were divorcing his father would not be his father anymore. Since then she has not participated in anything involving our son and our son does not stay the night by his own choice. By taking the stance that she didn't want to be involved it made my son and his father resent her.



If you are helping raise him and you care about him and his father then by all means go to the events. Parents emotions aside, children need as many people supporting them as possible. Remember you are choosing to spend your life with his father and that includes spending your life with him. If his mother is threatend by you just explain that no matter what goes on between the adults, when it comes to the kids there is always room for more love and support.

Barb - posted on 08/29/2012

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Having been a step parent and knowing first hand how important you are in that little boy's life, I would say to definitely go to the conference. However, I would suggest that you ask the teacher to perhaps schedule a separate time for your husband and you to meet with her. My husband did not have a good relationship with his ex-wife so it was just easier that way. If you all get along then maybe it would work out all together, after all you are all there for the betterment of the child. Whether you are a step mom or not, if you are like me, you still want only the best for any children you have, whether they are from a second marriage or your own.

DedeQ - posted on 08/29/2012

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My opinion, you should go together with your husband and step son to his school (shows that you care) but you should not go to his parents teachers conference. After you drop them off at the school, either you go to a nearby sandwich shop to surprise your step son with some snacks later or you could wait at the library or speak to another educator that might involve in your step son education in the school. But it's important that on you part you are not making a big scene or need to mention that you are not attend the parents teachers conference. You are in his school but quietly giving private time to you step son and his real mom and real dad. The boy could enjoy and treasure that moment. Bu you could achieve that only if your husband could also relax and enjoy the moments with his son and his ex wife around and you play an important role to make it happen. Many parents think they need to do what is the best for their step children and I think that is beautiful. But it's important to let your step son have a wonderful time only with his own parents and the school's parents teacher conference could be the one. No matter what, the kids could feel the tense between the two mothers.

Leah - posted on 08/29/2012

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I agree with Carolyn Kropp and Cheryl Martin . You know sometimes when I hear people talk about "step children" I feel it necessary to remind them that we are talking about a child; that is, a living, breathing, young human being, and a precious gift of God, not just a keep sake from a prior relationship for someone to be jealous of, or jealous over. I know this is just my opinion, but we, all adults, should be asking ourselves how can i make this child's life better, happier, healthier; not "ooooohhh, what is she doing here!" and you know i really couldn't possibly think of why how the ex feels about her ex or his current, or any other way you could spin the scenario, has anything to do with doing what is best for the child. Unless of course the child is being mistreated in some way and the ex doesn't like you because you mistreat children. So assuming everyone loves and is loving towards the child, then obviously if the child is a person you will be responsible for then you need to know how best to do that. At what point does it say "insert jealously HERE >" ? I currently have 4 children and I home school all of them. It is really important to know if the child needs more help in reading or math and where their strong and weak points are. Now ask this question: how can you help a child that needs more improvement with phonics, for example, if you don't even know that is what they are needing. Furthermore would the ex get jealous of the teacher or teachers aid? those will likely be other women in her sons life, and might i add that good teachers are usually very motherly or fatherly... i mean really, what type of sense does that make?!

Manulani - posted on 08/29/2012

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Yes you should be there, You are one of his parents.I am a stepchild and I appreciate that my stepmother treats me as though I was her own. She and my mother sat down and came to an understanding that my step mom was going to be an important person in my life and not her replacement, that it was in my best interest for the three of them to work as a team. The teacher can also help with that when it comes to holiday art especially mothers day make sure his mother is the recipiatent of the art project or their are two one for each of you. Step families are complicated but it can be pleasant. I am happy I had both moms and my adopted siblings mom in my life as well as both my dad and step dad as well as my half sisters dad as my father figures each offered advice and tried to work together on discipline at times it was complicated. Now I am glad I have so many adults that cared for me and about me, that they tried hard to make it work. Wishing you all the best in your future indever to raise a happy healthy well adjusted family. Show my post to his mother if you like. I hope you all have happy times together.

Cheryl - posted on 08/29/2012

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there can never be too many caring adults in a child's life -- If there is tension between your husband and his ex or you and his ex -- learn to get over this and join together to show your step son that you all care about him. I have seen the parents who fight and don't get along and those that have moved past their differences to be there for their children-- you can guess which one produces a better adjusted child.

Hopefully you are already at a stage where everyone can get along and join together to support this child as he starts his school years.

Jillian - posted on 08/29/2012

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And yes! Go to his school functions. There is no reason not to be supportive in all the events in his life.

Doreen - posted on 08/29/2012

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do you and your husband have a good relationship with the childs mom,if yes talk to her about your worries,you do need to be aware haw you can help him with school work etc.so to support him in his education you need to show him you support him.

Carolyn - posted on 08/29/2012

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I think a lot of parents need to GROW up, if moms don't want another woman to be a part of their kids lives they should stick it out in the relationship.....You are his step-mom and a big part of his life. His mother needs to deal with it and accept that there are other people in her son's life that love him and care about him. I would inform her that you are going beforehand. If she doesn't feel "comfortable" then she could request a different conference time and have her's separate from yours. If you don't actively participate in his activities, including school, he will feel like you don't care about him as much as you do your own son. People who think that you can't care about someone else's child as much as you do your own are weird....I have a step-son (that I have recently adopted) and a bio-son and I feel the same way about them both, I don't love or care about either of them more than the other, they are both my boys. You are in a relationship with this boy and his dad, and your stepson has a right to feel like he is just as much a part of your family as your bio son. Think about how the kid will feel ALWAYS before you think about how the other parent will feel. (and my parents were divorced and my mom was in a long term relationship with my little brothers dad, and i hated being left out of stuff)

Michelle - posted on 08/29/2012

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It's pretty hard to disagree with any of that Leah ;) I absolutely respect that view and share it, in most regards. Just personally, as a Mom I feel my relationship with my children is unique and don't feel they need another "Mom". Thankfully my husband and I are still together so I don't need to worry about that. :) It is just possible that I am allowing personal experience to influence my position, though I consider myself pretty open and objective. That being said I feel it only fair to admit that my experience as a Step-Child was hardly positive ;) But quite honestly I am looking at this from the perspective as a Mom rather than my experience as a Step-Child. But of course if I had a wonderful Step-Parent it's highly probable I'd be a bigger advocate of their role. In the end every situation is unique and asking for and giving advice among complete strangers sometimes doesn't bring the best advice.

Jillian - posted on 08/29/2012

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Yes! Go! Support! Be a mom! If you are helping to parent him, and you'd like to be there, then do it!

Michelle - posted on 08/29/2012

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Loving them unconditionally and letting them into your heart is beautiful and in that regard I can understand the comparison to that of an Adopted Parent, but otherwise I find the comparison disrespectful to the Biological Parent who is still in the picture. Just my opinion. I think your analogy is otherwise beautiful and any child whose Step-Parent felt that way towards them would be a lucky child. And if all adults involved get along and keep the peace that much luckier!

Leah - posted on 08/29/2012

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you know what, i am a person who loves all children unconditionally. I am one of those people who would not only quote "it takes a village to raise a child", I also believe it and apply it. but I guess that is how i was raised. When I was growing up all the parents looked after all the children. I can remember when I did things that were wrong in front of the adults that I lived around. I would get in trouble with them, and then they told my mother and I got in trouble with her, and then she told my father and I got in trouble with him when he got home. So separatist ideals are lost on me.

Leah - posted on 08/29/2012

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why does somebody else have to give up there rights to a child for you let them into your heart completely and love them unconditionally?

Michelle - posted on 08/29/2012

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I don't understand comparing a Step-Parent to an Adopted Parent. When you adopt a child the biological parent gives up their rights and you become the Mother or Father of that child. When parents divorce they aren't giving up the rights to their child.

Donna - posted on 08/29/2012

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discuss the matter with your husband if he is in agreement. then by all means go. Remember to outline your reasons why you think its a good idea

Leah - posted on 08/29/2012

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I feel that there are not step parents, there are only parents. try seeing yourself in regards to this child in the same way a parent of an adopted child sees herself. My husband isn't the biological father of my oldest son but I would die before I ever let anyone reduce his position in our sons life. Families are better off when adults know there place, and that is as the protectors, maintainers, caregivers, nurturers, and loving custodians of children. i.e. PARENTS! They are our prerogative, our responsibility, our honor, joy, and privilege!!!

JOAN - posted on 08/29/2012

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Functions, yes. Conferences, No. Your husband can tell you what goes on and take notes but this is not your place.

When step parents know their place the family is so much better for it. Trust me. Learn your place now for a happily ever after.

Valerie - posted on 08/29/2012

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Yes you should go. If you have been taking care of him since he was 2, I'm sure you feel if he was your own son and not just a step son. As a parental figure in his life, you should be an active participant in everything.

Natalee - posted on 08/29/2012

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You should be there. These posts about wel lcheck with baby mama to make sure shes ok with it is (im sorry) but crap. Her feelings dont matter here. If you are the kids step parent you should be involved with everything. Baby mama needs to put big girl panties on & deal with it. Its not about how she feels but whats right forthe kid(s). You ha

Sara - posted on 08/29/2012

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I just read the part where your relationship with mom is not so hot. I think in that case that a heart-to-heart with all parents involved is in order. There is so much research on positive co-parenting and blending families. It can be difficult, but if, as I mentioned in my last post, everyone is looking out for the best interests of the child this should be a no brainer for mom.

Rachele - posted on 08/29/2012

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You are married to his father and helping in raise him, he is your stepson, so you should be involved in his life in every way you would if he were your biological child. It is not only okay to go to parent-teacher conferences, you should be expected to be there as a parent. Just treat this little boy as if he were your own and don't let anyone let you think it is "not your job." Good luck!

Sara - posted on 08/29/2012

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I think that it is not only ok, but a great idea. You have been parenting him since he was quite small. You are his bonus mom! I think that NOT going would be inappropriate. Showing this interest in his life and education is key in showing him that you care. I attend all of my bonus daughter's conferences and other activities. Children need all the love and positive attention that they can get. My only concern may be the discomfort his mother may (or may not) feel with you there. If she, for any reason, feels threatened by this I would talk to your husband and his ex and explain that everyone is on the same team and that said child can only benefit from more people who love being involved with his education. I hope, as we do, you have at the least a functional co-parenting relationship with the ex which focuses on the needs of your bonus son and not adult rivalries. Good Luck with the new school year!

Joanna - posted on 08/29/2012

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yes definatly if everybody is ok with this. I am stepmum and I love my stepson like my own and I always treat him exactly the same as my own son with one condition that I never did or wanted to take over as his Mum. I did not go to school events because his Mum and Dad

went and we were not 50/50 custody but it was never a problem for any of us although I would have been there if they wanted me to. My stepson is now 16 and we dont see him so much (age thing) but I know I have been a great stepmum and love him dearly. I think its lovely that you want to go and help and be involved.

Tarisai - posted on 08/29/2012

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I also feel that you should go since you have been taking care of him. Yes you have to be there for him when he is with you.

Shanda - posted on 08/29/2012

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I would suggest that you make sure it is ok with his mother. There is a fine line that a lot of people over step and creates hurt feelings when someone else tries to get overly involved in someones childs life. I understand you are helping him with homework and are there, but he still has a mom and its hard enough to watch someone else step in and try to mother your child so just be very respectful of her feelings. I really think only his mom and dad should be going to the conferences unless she gives the ok for you to go with his dad.

Just my opinion.

Amina - posted on 08/29/2012

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Post a reply!...sure !..i ll go without even batting an eyelid!.....I took care of five of my step children,..i attended all their school activities, and i enjoyed it!...I always look at the BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD FIRST!...any other thing is secondary!....The child will be so happy if you did!....besides the child you have with his father is his brother/sister...so i ll go if i were you!...I wish you all the best in the decision you take!...but,...i ll GO!....Take care of you!...

Heather - posted on 08/29/2012

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I would say bring the child anyway. She can't tell you not to bring your other children who are also this childs brothers. If the tables were reversed, would she not want to bring them to the meeting? We are talking about family right? Those other two children are part of your family. Don't let her start dictating who is and who isn't part of your family. Your family consists of your husband, all three children and if she wants to be, your step-sons mother to an extent. Go and take your kids. I did.

Onyeche Elisabeth - posted on 08/29/2012

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Why not? If he and his dad want you there, why not? You are a positive part of his life, another person who loves him...

Tracey - posted on 08/29/2012

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You are a part of your stepson's upbringing, so that should involve anything linked to school activities/functions. As a parent, you need to know what levels of learning they are at & where they will need extra help. I think it's wonderful that they both want you & have invited you. Makes you feel like you are part of their family. That you are wanted & needed. Keep up the great work. Superb Mum. If you like, keep me informed on how your conference goes & any other events.

Best of luck, Tracey

Anoymous - posted on 08/29/2012

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You shoud if they both want you to. But if they find that it is something that is too private for you, then you need to accept that and understand, because it might just be that he wants to spend time with his dad. Just don't take anything too personal. After all he is only five.

I think that it might be appropriate for you to attend the parent teacher interviews, just so that you can get an idea of how he is going.

I hope this helps :)

Patricia - posted on 08/28/2012

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I would say no i would not be comfortable with it if it were my child i have done everything for my kids not my hubby and if he left me and got with somone else i would feel really as i said uncomfortable i am the mum and that is as far as i am concerned the only mum they will ever have or need and i have 10 great kids

Kirsty - posted on 08/28/2012

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no she is not his mum a child only has one mum unless of extreme circumstances. dont get me wrong she can be a very important person in his life love and support him but when it comes to being his parents he has one mum and one dad. i am in this situation i encourage my son to have a great relationship with my ex partners wife but when it comes to school things that is mine and my ex partners place only.

KSue - posted on 08/28/2012

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I believe you should go if you are going to be helping him with his work & taking him to school, etc. I also had the same questions 12 years ago & now my stepdaughter is a Sr. in high school this year. There were some things I did not attend, but for the most part I was there for all of her things to support her and to let her know I am her friend and to let her know she could count on me & her dad to be there for her. To this day I still sit across the table at most every holiday from her mom as we have to do dinners together at my in-laws. I have somewhat of a relationship with my husband's ex, not best friends or anything, but enough to keep peace and to try and work together for their daughter's well being.

Good Luck!

Cathy - posted on 08/28/2012

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You should absolutely go. Not going would make the child feel like you don't care. If you have an unpleasant relationship with your husband's ex you should try to just sit down and have a normal and calm conversation with her (it would be best to have your husband present). Meeting in a public place like a McDonald's playland or just meet at a diner or coffee shop. People are less likely to fly off the handle in a public place. You are a large part of that child's life and any truly caring biological parent would want to have as many people as possible to love and encourage the child. If the ex is causing a scene at teacher conferences or school activities you can contact the school and they will warn them to stop or they will not be allowed at future functions.

You had said "if he and his son want me too?" and that is the only thing you should be considerate of. You are a family and treating that child different from the others can do nothing but cause harm. Worst case, if his ex is refusing to let you come in peace so everyone can get along, your husband can go back to family court and he can get an order to force her to stop or be found in Contempt of Court and could possibly be jailed. But if you all actually DO have a civil relationship it will be smooth sailing for you, your husband and his ex if you lay all of your cards on the table and openly agree to go to these events together for the sake of the boy. I had the exact situation and know that it is much better to discuss it beforehand as a courtesy than to blindside her with your presence which can cause bad blood that is hard to get past once it has happened. Good luck!

Jeanne - posted on 08/28/2012

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I really believe you should go to all school functions. I also think there should be one parent teacher conference for all of you together. It is in the best interest of the child for you all to provide a united front and show the child that you can get along and act like adults. I also believe that by meeting all together it keeps the he said she said games out of it.



Best of luck to all of you. I truly believe that a child should be loved by as many people as possible.

Connie - posted on 08/28/2012

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At Heather and Lauren, Thats ur opnion, and I have mine. AGAIN, nothing against step parents, because I've been married to one for 12 yrs and my husband is my sons Father, we don't say step, cause in reality he's his father. Because his Bio Dad is a child support daddy, so my husband stepped in and assumed the role as Father..and since he's been raising him since he was 2. Every situation is different and we don't know the whole truth, so we all are just speculating. I believe it's more to the situation that just her showing up at the conference. I don't believe that step parents should have a role as the Bio parents, who are you to make decisions for my child, when I'm alive, willing and able. Ppl need to know their roles and stay in there lane. that's y its so much tension between blended families cause everyone wants to have an opinion. I'm my son's custodial parent and I make all and final decisions. if my sons bio father wife tried to step and include her 2cents, I would politely tell her when I need her advice I'll ask her, until then, play your role as his wife, not my child's Mother...What's next, the Lil boy gonna call her Mom cause she's acting in that role. Agian, each situation is different, if it keeps the peace, just don't go..

Dana - posted on 08/28/2012

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As a teacher I think you should go, if you are one of his primary care givers you have every right. If you are expected to pick him up and help with homework you have a right to be apart of the meetings about him.

Heather - posted on 08/28/2012

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To Connie, first of all, we as step-parents have every right to attend functions where are step-children are concerned. If you think differently, why don't you go to the courts in the state that you reside in and ask them. In New Jersey, the bio mother of my step-daughter wouldn't even regonize that my husband and I had a child together which in turn would be is daughters brother. She didn't want me at school functions either but the courts said that since his daughter would be spending overnights in our home and attending family functions and other things, that I do have the right AS A STEP-PARENT to attend anything that has to deal with my step-daughter and that includes doctors appt, ANYTHING. But, if i were to cause a scene, I would be asked to leave and vice-versa. Just because shes her biological mother doesn't mean that she has the right to start anything while we are attending a school function. We as step-parents help to raise our step-children and in turn, we do have the right to attend functions.

Heather - posted on 08/28/2012

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Yes, you should. Listen, your husband can and should ask the school to schedule two different meetings. My husband did that for us with his daughter because he didn't even want to be in the same room with his daughter's mother. They were never married and she made his life a living hell. This way, she gets her time with the teacher and to ask questions and the two of you get that same option. By all rights, some childrens parents are seperated or divorced and can't be in the room at the same time but that doesn't mean that they don't want to be there for functions when it comes to schooling and the schools do realize this. Go for it.

Jillian - posted on 08/28/2012

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Of course you should go you are a major part of his life and he will appreciate you more for being there for him.

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